Winter Olympic Games edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am in the end stages of FAC prep and I need another set of eyes to make sure I'm not missing something nit picky. It's failed at FAC twice and I'd really love for it to pass this time. Thanks, H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 21:35, 26 July 2011 (UTC)
My apologies: This somehow fell off my worklist. I will get to it tomorrow. Brianboulton (talk) 23:37, 10 August 2011 (UTC)
- No worries, that's the beauty of this thing, there are no deadlines. Take your time. H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 23:41, 10 August 2011 (UTC)
Brianboulton comments: I've done the history; the rest will have to wait until tomorrow. It's an impressively thorough article, which I am enjoying reading. Mostly my comments relate to minor prose issues, but there are a few general points as well.
- General points
- The lead is perhaps two overdetailed. The article's first paagraph is not really the place for listing details of changes in events over the years
- I don't think the sentence about Pyeongchang warrants mention in the lead.
- Early years: Every fourth year after 1905 takes us to 1925 not 1926
- "The Olympic Flame was lit in the fireplace..." What is meant by "the fireplace"?
- Sondre Nordheim died in 1897, so I doubt he actually lit the 1952 flame!
- "Miracle on the Ice" should be explained, rather than requiring use of a link. Likewise "Baltic States"
- What is the "super-g"?
- As a matter of interest, was there any action taken against the judges after the 2002 pairs figure skating competition?
- Prose issues
- First line: "ocurring" → "which occurs"
- Try to avoid close repetition of "every four years" in second lead paragraph (e.g. "at four-yearly intervals")
- Avoid verbosity, such as in "It created an income stream, via the sale of broadcast rights and advertising, which has become lucrative for the IOC." which could become "It created for the IOC a lucrative income stream, via the sale of broadcast rights and advertising". Check for similar instances where simplification is possible.
- The nest sentence ("This allowed...") looks to me as though it needs a "however".
- "In 2014 Sochi will be the first Russian city to host the Winter Olympics" could be simplified to "In 2014 Sochi will be the first Russian host city".
- Early years section: "abandoned and officially cancelled" seems overdoing it. Why not just "abandoned" or "cancelled"?
- "noteworthy" isn't hyphenated.
- 1948 to 1960: "After not being able to host the Games in 1944, Cortina d'Ampezzo was selected to organise the 1956 Winter Olympics". Not sure that "after" works here. The sense is: "Because it had been unable to host the Games in 1944..." etc
- 1964 to 1980: lapse into sports report jargon - "sweeping all four..."
- Be consistent with "Winter Olympics was" and "Winter Olympics were" (both occur)
- You can't hold things "on" a date range (February 6–16).
- 1984 to 1998: "At 16 years old..." → "At 16 years of age..." ?
- "Johann Olav Koss of Norway won three gold medals coming first in all of the distance speed skating events". Surely "coming first" is not necessary? "...won gold medals in each of the three..."
- 2002 to present: "to ever host" → "ever to host"
- Give year of Salt Lake City games
- Perfect, this is exactly what I needed, thank you also for making edits as you move through the article. I'll wait to work on it until your review is finished. H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 23:38, 11 August 2011 (UTC)
Continuing:-
- Controversy
- I've copyedited the end of the first paragraph. Can you check that I haven't changed your intended meaning, in particular: "... with ceilings imposed on the value of gifts IOC members could accept from bid cities".
- Host city legacy
- "Turino". Don't you mean "Torino" (the Italian form), or "Turin", the anglicised equivalent? (I note you use "Turin" later)
- The information about the "Turino" costs should perhaps be a parenthetical note, since the focus is not so much on this particular comparison but on the massive Nagano spend.
- Commercialisation
- "By the Grenoble Games" → "By the time of the Grenoble Games" ?
- "Brundage's concerns proved prophetic." You should not make judgmental statements, unless they can be cited to a source.
- "This has been done to boost ratings, which were slowly declining until the 2010 Games" Clumsily expressed, and I'd recommend a rephrasing along the lines: "Their concern has been to boost ratings, which were in slow decline before the increase registered at the 2010 Games".
- The information in the last paragraph of this section largely repeats details given earlier, and could be edited down.
- Cold war
- "The successful Soviet athlete was feted and honoured..." Sounds like there was only one. Suggest: "Successful Soviet athletes..." etc
- "In 1978 the United States Congress responded to these measures by passing legislation that reorganised the United States Olympic Committee". Doesn't tell us much; how was this a respose to the Soviet practice of rewarding successful athletes?
- Boycott
- Again, some of the information has already been given - see the "1964 to 1980" section
- Demonstration events
- Petty, I know, but the first two sentences each begin "Demonstration sports..."
- "Bandy; described as ice hockey with a ball, is a sport popular in the Nordic countries and Russia, which was demonstrated at the Oslo Games". Needs some atttention - grammar dubious at present.
That's me done. You will see that I have made a few edits as well, so you had better check these. As I said before, a most impressive article; please let me know if/when you propose to take it to FAC. Brianboulton (talk) 21:22, 13 August 2011 (UTC)
- Thank you so much, I have a lot to work on and you've given me confidence that perhaps these runs at FAC are not a total waste of time. I'll poke you on your talk page when/if I am back at FAC. H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 15:56, 14 August 2011 (UTC)