Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates/Eraserhead/archive1

Prose comments from Crisco 1492

• "because of the difficulty of obtaining funds to complete the film" - Any way to cut back on the wording here? perhaps "funding issues" or "funding problems"?

  "because of the difficulty of funding the film"? GRAPPLE X 23:34, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

  Sure.23:59, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

• "Its surrealist imagery and sexual undercurrents have been seen as its key thematic elements, and its sound design as its technical highlight" - Some rewording to avoid four "its" in the same sentence, perhaps?

  Reworded a bit. GRAPPLE X 23:34, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

• "the creature seen earlier." - The spermatozoon one?

  Yep. Added. GRAPPLE X 23:34, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

• "in a billowing cloud of eraser shavings." - In or as?

  In, as in surrounded by (this is actually what the poster depicts, by the way, the hazy white bits around Nance's head in the poster is this eraser-shaving cloud). GRAPPLE X 23:34, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

• Oxford gives green-lit and not greenlit.

  Hyphenated. GRAPPLE X 23:34, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

• his wife Sissy Spacek - Whose wife?

  Jack Fisk's. Clarified it in the article. GRAPPLE X 23:42, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

• "Jennifer Lynch has recalled growing up around the sets used for the film, stating that "Eraserhead was my childhood"." - what's the value to this? If it's to be kept it should be expanded on with critical commentary.

  That's all she says on it in the source; I've stripped it out. GRAPPLE X 23:42, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

• "a sound track (two words)" is the parenthetical in the original? If not, use {{sic}}

  It's written this way in the original link. GRAPPLE X 00:12, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

• "providing low-level background noise in every scene. This provides" - Perhaps avoid the repetition of "providing - provides"

  Changed. GRAPPLE X

• "has been perceived" - looks weasely. Perhaps clarify who's opining this.

  Attributed. GRAPPLE X 00:12, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

• "has also been seen as a precursor" - By?

  Added. GRAPPLE X 00:12, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

• European home cinema releases?

  None that I could see; the DVD releases seem to be the only ones. I removed "in North America" from that, though, as it was added subsequently; it's not explicitly in the source and the Universal disc mentioned clearly works in my region 2 player. GRAPPLE X 00:12, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

• Modern critical reception... perhaps a better word to clarify what period. If you ask our article, "modern" is fairly inexact.

  Changed to "Twenty-first century critical reception"; it's an accurate description of the period but there's probably a better way of doing it that I can't think of at the minute. GRAPPLE X 00:12, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

• "these themes ... represented a fear of personal commitment and featured "a strong sexual undercurrent"." - The themes or film?

  The themes; how would this be best clarified? GRAPPLE X 00:12, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

• Reception section looks heavy on the quotes.

  I'll started paraphrasing some of these now; before I start, would you consider any of them to be particularly disposable? GRAPPLE X 00:12, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

  That would depend heavily on the writing style. Personally, I'd keep (or trim, but not remove) the really juicy quotes but rephrase the mundane ones. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:18, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

  Have cut down on them; paraphrasing some and trimming others. Let me know if more is required or how the changes stack up. GRAPPLE X 01:08, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

  Looks fair enough. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:15, 15 September 2012 (UTC)

That's it from me. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:58, 14 September 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for taking a look at this one for me. GRAPPLE X 00:12, 15 September 2012 (UTC)