Wikipedia:WikiProject Video games/Peer review/Eddy Gordo

Eddy Gordo edit

I've been sitting on this article for a while now and now i've finally transferred over the info. i've collected to mainspace. I feel it is close to GA but my writing can be sometimes off and confusing as well as my misformatting and following the MOS. Any and all criticism is appreciated as long as it can improve the article. Subzerosmokerain (talk) 01:38, 6 June 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I'm really busy at the moment and only had time to look at the lead (as well as being a brand new Wikipedia user), but here's what I noticed in the lead:

1. The second sentence doesn't seem to flow very well to me. I'd change it from "made his first console debut...title" to "and his first console appearance was in the 1998 Playstation port of the title."

Made the change.

2. The second half of the second sentence should be combined with the final sentence of the first paragraph. I'd end the sentence after "title", and then make the final sentence in the paragraph something along the lines of "He has appeared in every Tekken title since then, although he shares a character slot with Christie Monteiro in Tekken 4 and Tekken 5." As far as I can tell (I'm not terribly familiar with the Tekken mythos), saying that he shared a character slot with Christine Monteiro in Tekken 4 is just another way of saying that he didn't appear in the King of Iron Fist Tournament 4 storyline, and it seems like unnecessary detail for his lead to mention that his moveset was similar to Christine's in Dark Resurrection. Details like that should be put into another section.

As far as I know, Eddy only served as a plot device for Christie in Tekken 4 and even though he was playable (sharing a character slot with Christie) he wasn't in the tournament; however, he also shared a character slot in Tekken 5 but had his own prologue in Tekken 5 and thus played a part in the tournament. So sharing a character slot doesn't equal not being in the story, convoluted, I know. As for the sharing a moveset, I make a mention of it in the body of the article, another editor added that in the lead, and I never removed it.

3. I'd change Tekken 3 to "his debut" in the first sentence in paragraph 2. Also, I'd change "involved" to "revolved around," assuming that his quest for revenge was the focal point of his storyline, and not just one aspect of it. Also, I'd remove the "and" and change "culminated" to culminating.

Done.

4. Second sentence in paragraph 2, I'd change "In Tekken 5 and onward" to "From Tekken 5 onward". Also, saying that his Capoeira master fell to an illness makes it seem like he's already dead, which is contradicted by the fact that Eddy is searching for a cure. "Was stricken by" seems like an overly dramatic way of putting it, and I'm having trouble thinking of a good way to phrase it, but you might want to try to find another way of saying that his master is sick. Lastly, "in which" is the wrong phrase for the context, (assuming) they aren't searching within the illness for a cure. I'm having trouble thinking of a good way to phrase this as well. Come to think of it, it might actually be easier to restructure the entire sentence. Something along the lines of "From Tekken 5 onward, Eddy's plot focused on his and Christie Monteiro's search for a cure to an unknown illness that Christie's grandfather, Eddy's Capoeira master, was suffering from."

I changed it as your sentence sounds more coherent than the one I wrote, but I don't think a sentence should end with "from" but I'll leave it since it sounds correct.

5. The first sentence in the final paragraph has two problems. I think "Eddy is" should be "Eddy was", and I'd change it from "the others being" to "followed by Tiger..."

Done, I was really wary on putting a colon for the sentence and this really helps.

6. You need to cite your claim that Gamespy and Now Gamer criticize him, and maybe change it from "by sites such as" to just "by some gaming sites." (do these count as weasel words? I don't really know, does it still count if it's backed up by sources?). I think it should also be "criticism from" rather than "criticism in", and it might improve the flow if you change it from "which has led to criticism" to "character, leading to...". The last thing I thought of is, if possible, you might want to change it from "easy playability" to something more clear, maybe something like "low level of difficulty" (but that doesn't sound very good to me either). I can't really think of what I'd say to change it to, it just sounds a little off to me.

I changed it to say simplistic but I really don't know how to word it either, it's a head scratcher, as for "some" that is a weasel word, and i'd rather leave it like it is since it clarifies who criticizes him as editors have gotten onto me for using the word "some".

Like I said, I'm a new user (not even autoconfirmed yet) and this is my first peer review, so take everything I say with a grain of salt, but this is what I noticed. Sorry I didn't review the rest of the article, I'll try to do it later this week (finals suck). Bstbll (talk) 05:57, 6 June 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I agree finals do suck. And I appreciated the separate pair of eyes to look at the article. From what you were able to find, it looks like I would've failed GA review if I went to there. I'll be waiting on the rest of your comments. Sincerely Subzerosmokerain (talk) 20:08, 6 June 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Alright, I'm back to finish my peer review. I'm also going to structure it differently this time, more in the vein of the other peer review that's currently posted, since that seems like it is much more readable.

Lead

I know I already did the lead, but just a couple other minor things.

" Although he has appeared in every game thereafter (although he is not a participant in the King of Iron Fist Tournament 4 story-wise), Eddy shares the same character slot as Christie Monteiro in Tekken 4 and Tekken 5, but has his own slot in Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection."
- First, I'd recommend changing one of the "although"s to something else. Perhaps you could change the section within the parentheses to "albeit not as a participant in the King of Iron Fist Tournament 4, story-wise". You might want to change it to say "a participant in the storyline of KOIFT 4" rather than "story-wise" as well. EDIT: Looking back, I'm really hesitant about that last part. I don't want to take it out, since I'd like to see other (your) opinion on it, but I now realize that my suggestion has different implications for the meaning of the phrase than the original. Also, I think it might improve the structure of the sentence to change the final clause of the sentence ("but has…"). Maybe something like ", but regained his own slot in subsequent games." (changing it to subsequent games clarifies that he has his own slot from that game onward, rather than just in that game, which I believe is true, correct me if I'm wrong)
"Eddy has received heavy criticism in the fighting video game community for the simplicity associated with Eddy's playability and has been attributed as a button masher character, leading to criticism of Eddy by sites such as GameSpy and Now Gamer."
- Two comments here. First, I'm torn between using "criticism in" and "criticism from", they seem to me to have slightly different meanings and both could be equally applicable in this situation, so I guess it might as well stay the same. Second, do "playability" and "buttonmasher" count as WP:JARGON? They both seem to be specialized terms that only apply to video games, maybe change "playability" to "play style" and "button masher" to something less gaming specific. Lastly, I still think that you need a citation for the claim that he has been criticized by GameSpy and Now Gamer, the ones you cite later (numbers 45 and 46) should work, I'd add the reference up to the lead but I don't really know how to add references yet.

Character Development

"The Tekken 3 development team desired a Capoeira practitioner for Tekken 3 and turned to the development artists to create the character."
- Maybe "came up with the idea for" or "wanted to include… in Tekken 3" rather than just "desired". This might just be personal preference though, I'm not really sure.
"It was desired by one of the developers that the Capoeira character be female but the artist that was tasked with the design deemed the female character too difficult to create and instead created a male character who resulted in Eddy Gordo. Masahiro Kimoto, one of the game designers of Tekken 3, stated that their favorite character was Eddy because of the difficulty involved in Eddy's creation."
- I looked at the source you're citing, and from what I understood, it looks like Kimoto is also the designer who wanted him to be female. You might want to adjust both of these sentences. "Masahiro Kimoto, one of the developers of Tekken 3, initially planned on the Capoeira character being female, however, the artist in charge of the character's creation deemed the female model too difficult to create and instead created Eddy. Kimoto later stated that his favorite character is Eddy, because of the challenges in his development" is something like what I was thinking. If nothing else, it should be Kimoto… stated that his favorite character was Eddy.
"Pereira stated that Namco had heard of him from his 1995 International Capoeira Seminar held in San Francisco. Pereira felt honored in being chosen by Namco to represent Capoeira in Tekken 3."
- This whole paragraph seems a bit choppy to me, you might want to merge these two sentences. "held in San Francisco, and that he felt honored that he was chosen by Namco to represent Capoeira." Also, I don't know if they heard of him "through" or "as a result of" his 1995 seminar, but I think it might sound better if you switched it to one of them.
"Marcelo Pereira stated that during the development of Tekken 3 he had been injured, as a result the acrobatic movements he performed were restricted. He also stated that he performed "about 20%" of what he was capable of performing because it was necessary to have "another skillful capoeirista" to do some movements in Capoeira."
- Try to change up your word choice, stated is the second word in 1/2 of the sentences in this paragraph. Maybe he "reported" that during the development he had been injured, and/or he "claimed" that he performed about 20%? Also, "perform some movements in Capoeira" might be better than "do some movements in Capoeira". There's probably a better word for it than "movements", but I'm hesitant to change it to "routines" (a la dance) or "forms" (a la some other martial arts) because I don't know what the proper term is, I don't know much about Capoeira.
"Additionally, Pereira criticized the name of Eddy Gordo noting that Eddy is not a Brazilian name and that "Gordo" in Portuguese meant "fat" as well as the names of the movements performed by Eddy Gordo as they were not "traditional" like the names he had called the movements during development"
- Since this sentence also addresses the names of Eddy's moves, you might want to change the first part. Maybe "Pereira criticized Namco's naming choices, noting that…". The whole sentence seems a bit unwieldy, it might be good to cut off this first sentence after "fat" and then "He also pointed out that the names of the moves performed by Eddy Gordo were not the traditional names he had used during development." Then again, earlier I said that the paragraph seemed choppy, so maybe breaking it into two sentences is a bad idea. Your call.

Appearances

"Eddy Gordo first appeared in Tekken 3 and reappeared in his second title, Tekken Tag Tournament."
- I'd change it from "his second title" to "the following title". That makes it more obvious that the games were consecutive, since someone who doesn't know much about the series might not realize it.
"In Tekken 4, Eddy Gordo was omitted from the roster and was replaced with Christie Monteiro, another Capoeira practitioner, but appeared as an alternate costume for Christie and serving no purpose in the storyline"
- I'd change it from "and serving no purpose" to "without serving any".
"Masahiro Kimoto stated in a GameNow interview over Tekken 4 that Eddy was replaced because they had intended to create a female Capoeira character in Tekken 3 but instead chose Eddy from the designs they had during the development of Tekken 3 but for Tekken 4 were able to successfully create "an attractive female character" who practiced Capoeira"
- This sentence is really unclear. I had to read it a few times, and even then I just got the gist of what you were saying, not the exact meaning. First, I'd change the beginning of the sentence to "In a GameNow interview discussing Tekken 4, Masahiro Kimoto stated". To make the rest of the sentence more clear, I'd change it to "because, initially, Eddy was intended to be a female character and was changed to male as a result of artistic limitations. In Tekken 4, the team was able to successfully create"…"practiced Capoeira, so they chose to replace Eddy with her."
"Eddy Gordo later served as a character costume swap for Christie in Tekken 5, but became a separate character once again in the Tekken 5 update,Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection with his own character customizations but did not have a separate moveset"
- I'd change it from "but became" to "and became". I'd also probably end the sentence after "Dark Resurrection" and make the next sentence say "However, while he did have his own character customizations, his moveset remained identical to Christie's."
Eddy Gordo appeared again in Tekken 6, and its update, Tekken 6: Bloodline Rebellion, but had a relatively similar moveset to Christie with the only differences being in move properties."
- I'd change it to "Eddy has since appeared in both games since Tekken 5, Tekken 6 and its update," so that it implies that they're the most recent ones. Also, rather than "but had…" you could change it to "but his moveset has remained similar to Christie's, only differing in…" I don't really know what "move properties" means either, so if there's a way you could make that more clear, it'd be a good idea as well.
"Additionally, in Tekken 6: Bloodline Rebellion,"
- I'd get rid of the Tekken 6, and just call it Bloodline Rebellion. There's no real need to keep using the whole name when you just referred to it, and it sounds better (to me) if you shorten it.

Fictional History

"When Eddy was 19 years old, his father was killed by a drug cartel known as the "Organization". Eddy's father was working to destroy the drug cartel in Brazil."
- I'd probably combine these two sentences, into something like "his father was killed while working to destroy a Brazilian drug cartel known as the "Organization."" To me, it still implies that the cartel killed him, but the sentences aren't as choppy.
"In his last breaths, Eddy's father told him as he died to admit to his murder."
- You used "he" and various forms of it here too often, it makes it a little unclear. Maybe change it to "Eddy's father asked Eddy to take responsibility for his death."
"Eddy went along with his father's last wish and served eight years in prison. During his life in prison, Eddy met an old man who taught him Capoeira."
- I'd combine these two as well. "and served eight years in prison, during which he met an old man who taught him Capoeira."
"Upon his release from prison, Eddy heard about the King of Iron Fist Tournament 3 and the Mishima Financial Empire (MFE)."
- I'd drop "from prison," we know where he's being released from. Also, clarify how the MFE is related to the tournament, the article just doesn't make it clear.
"He decided to enter the tournament, believing he could persuade the MFE or take the company over so that he could seek his revenge."
- Here, you don't really explain how the MFE relates to his revenge story. Unfortunately, neither does the source you cite. It might be a little more clear if you changed the middle a little bit, so it says "believing he could either convince the MFE or take control of it and force it to help him get revenge on his father's killers."
"In Tekken 4, it is learned that while Eddy was in prison he learned of his master's grandaughter, Christie Monteiro, and made a promise to his master to teach her Capoeira when Eddy got out of prison."
- I'd change it from "when Eddy got out of prison" to just "when he was released." Also, maybe it could be "revealed", rather than "learned" that while Eddy was in prison he learned of his master's granddaughter.
"Eddy found and taught Christie Capoeira who became impressive at the martial art after two years of training"
- First, I think it would flow better if it said "sought out and began teaching Capoeira to Christie", although I'm on the fence about this one. Also, "became impressive" sounds a little strange to me. Maybe you could change that to something like "quickly became an expert after just two years of training."
"Christie Monteiro entered The King of Iron Fist"
- I'd drop the last name. Seems unnecessary to me, since we only know of one Christie so far. Might sound better if you added a "then" as well, so it said "Christie then entered the…".
Entire next paragraph
- Since you're referring to it as "Prior to the events of Tekken 5", I'm pretty sure it needs to be mostly in the past tense. I'll break it down sentence by sentence as I see it, but I just wanted to put it up here.
  - Eddy learned that the master
  - Eddy went to his release
  - After taking his master to a hospital, Eddy learned that his master (change from "he", since he appears to refer to Eddy)…
  - Eddy and Christie entered
  - Encountered Kazuya Mishima and defeated him in battle
"There is hope, however, if the Mishima Zaibatsu's technology and resources could be put to use."
- This seems more prose-y than encyclopedic to me. First, tell us what the Mishima Zaibatsu is. From what just I read on other sites, it's a group of companies (or people?) that owns the MFE? I'm not entirely sure, but you need to explain. Second, rather than saying "There is hope, however…" I'd change it to something more like "The only chance for a cure was if…". I don't know how well that flows, but "There is hope" sounds more like a novel than an encyclopedia to me.
"saving Christie's grandfather."
- I'd change it to "her". There's no reason to mention her name twice in the same sentence, since she's the only female mentioned in the article thus far.
"encounters Kazuya Mishima and defeats him in battle, avenging Eddy's father's death"
- I can't decide if it would improve it if you changed it to "encountered and defeated Kazuya Mishima in battle" (getting rid of the first "his") so you could then refer to it as "his father" rather than "Eddy's father." That might come across as being vague in that it might refer to Mishima (is there some grammatical term for this kind of error? I could swear there is, but for the life of me, I can't think of it), but it still sounds better to me, so I'd just go with whatever sounds best to you.
"Eddy spoke alone with Jin Kazama"
- Tell us who this is, you've never mentioned him before.
"Jin offered to lend him his money and resources"
- Drop the "his". It's unnecessary, "Jin offered to lend him money and resources" works fine, and it's also the only time you're using a pronoun that isn't referring to Eddy, which throws the others into question.
"Knowing that this could be the opportunity he had been looking for to save his master's life, Eddy complies."
- I'd change it to just "that this could be his only opportunity to save his master's life". Your way seems a little wordy to me. Also, you were using the past tense (offered) in the previous sentence, but now you aren't (complies). I think past is correct here.
"As the King of Iron Fist Tournament 6 approaches, Eddy himself has become involved in a number of criminal activities in the name of the Mishima Zaibatsu."
- Only thing here is the tense question, as above. It might be better to say "At the onset of the King of Iron Fist Tournament 6, Eddy was involved in a number of criminal actives…"

Endings Tekken 3

"Outside Eddy's mansion, a shady looking character arrives. Eddy is seen in his room, who shortly leaves. Eddy goes into the headquarters of the Organization at midnight."
- This whole section is really choppy. Maybe you could combine the second two sentences, something like "Shortly after, Eddy is seen leaving his room and approaching the headquarters of the Organization at midnight."
" A few men try to kill Eddy, but he evades all attacks and defeats them."
- Probably don't need the "evades all attacks" part. Just say he defeats them.
"Though he can't be heard, Eddy demands that a man, who was seen outside of Eddy's mansion, reveal the identity of the person who killed his father. The man points to a table."
- This part is really choppy as well. First, I'd add a sentence to say where he sees the man. Maybe something like "Upon entering the headquarters, Eddy encounters the man from outside Eddy's mansion." in between the two sentences. Then the next sentence could be something like "Eddy demands that the man reveal the identity of the person who killed his father; in response, the man points to a table.

Tekken Tag Tournament

"Eddy and Tiger are seen performing capoeira moves"
- I think capoeira should be capitalized.

Tekken 4

"Immediately, she is swarmed by excited journalists, but her attitude is very melancholy"
- "Her attitude is very melancholy" doesn't seem like the best way to phrase this. Maybe something simple, like "she still seems unhappy". I don't think melancholy fits here.
"Then, in the audience, she sees Eddy Gordo, who has a sling on his arm."
- This might just be my personal preference, but I don't like having all those commas in such a small place. First, I think it's more acceptable to say that "his arm is in a sling", rather than "has a sling on his arm". I'd also maybe change it to "She then sees Eddy Gordo in the audience, with his arm in a sling" so you don't have quite so many commas in there.

Tekken 5

"The scene changes, and Eddy and Christie are outside in the sunlight practicing their Capoeira moves against each other. Suddenly, Christie's grandfather steps in, stopping one of Christie's kicks. It is clear that his operation has gone well, and Eddy steps aside as Christie and her grandfather begin to practice their Capoeira moves against each other."
- Both times, you refer to "their Capoeira moves", I'd just change them to practicing Capoeira against each other. The way I see it, you don't really need to clarify that they're practicing "their moves", since that's implied from the fact that they're practicing Capoeira.

Tekken 6

"Christie is seen praying at her grandfather's grave. Eddy then appears."
- I'd combine these two sentences, it seems a little choppy right now. Maybe "Christie is seen praying at her grandfather's grave, and Eddy appears at her side." Also, in all of the other ending sections, you write like it's actually happening, and then in this sentence, you start writing like it's a movie. I like it better the first way, so maybe you could change it from "Christie is seen praying" to just "Christie is praying".
When Christie sees Eddy, she slaps him and says, "Where have you been? You're too late." Eddy remains silent as Christie hugs him. Eddy is seen squeezing his hand, then throwing the Mishima Zaibatsu insignia pin on the floor, furious for Jin Kazama for not being able to treat his master."
- I'd change it to "squeezes his hand, and then throws the Mishima Zaibatsu insignia pin on the ground, furious…". It's the same thing as above, where it sounds more like you're talking about a movie, not an event. It might be better to say he "clenches his fist", not "squeezes his hand". It's more descriptive that way. Finally, I'm pretty sure he should be "furious with Jin Kazama", not "furious for Jin Kazama."

Tiger Jackson

"(Tekken 3 requires the player to complete the game with 17 unique characters first)."
- I don't think it's grammatically correct to have a sentence that's completely within parentheses. Just get rid of the period after Tekken Tag Tournament and stick the parentheses on the end of that sentence and it should work.
"Tiger Jackson was one of the unused names and concepts of Eddy Gordo from during the development of Tekken 3."
- I think it should be either "from the development of Tekken 3" or "created during the development of Tekken 3". "From during" doesn't sound right to me.
"Tiger Jackson appears in the background of the Pool Party stage of Tekken 5: Dark Resurrection"
- I'd add an "also" between Jackson and appears. Sounds better to me.
"Like his ending on Tekken 3; the only difference is that he is dancing at a carnival, not at a disco"
- Rather than putting it like this, I'd say "Similar to his ending in Tekken 3, except he is dancing at a carnival, not a disco". It sounds better to me that way than with two separate clauses and using "like".

Other appearances

He participates in the Iron Fist tournament and is pitted against Raven and is defeated by Raven
- I'd just change it to "is pitted against and defeated by Raven". "Is pitted against Raven and is defeated by Raven" is a little clunky.

Promotion and Legacy

"Professional wrestler, MVP, attributed one of his moves called "Malicious Intent" to Eddy Gordo, calling it "a variation of one of [Eddy's] spinning kicks.""
- First, I'd drop the commas around MVP. Also, I'd maybe rephrase the middle section, to "attributed one of his signature moves, "Malicious Intent," to Eddy Gordo"
""...guys like Eddy Gordo are very unique characters." "...constantly shifting stances and unpredictable nature…" ..."lead to heavy punishment more often than not." "...cheating scumbag."
- I'm not 100% sure on this one, but do you really need the ellipses? I don't think I've seen them in a WP article before, and since the quotes flow into your sentences, they might be unnecessary. I'm not sure about this though. However, if nothing else, your ellipsis in the second quote is actually outside the quotation marks.
"as, "...cheating scumbag." and stating that, "Eddy Gordo is the worst thing to happen to fighting gamers since"
- I don't think you need either of these commas, since the quotes flow straight into your sentences.
"citing that for Eddy's command list it should only contain "pictures of both kick buttons" because mashing the kick buttons could give automatic wins to the player and ended by calling Eddy, "a skilless-husk of a character."
- I'd just say that "Eddy's command list should only contain," drop the "for, and change the "citing that" to something like "stated that" or even "joked that". Seems to flow better. Also, I'm not sure that the section where you clarify what they're implying ("because mashing…to the player"), it seems a little self explanatory to me, but I could also see how people could be unclear about what they mean, so I'm on the fence about this one.
"one of his best aspects, saying that, "his moves are more alluring to watch than anyone in Tekken"
- Same as my comment two bullets above, I'd drop the comma after "that" (I put in the one before "saying"), since it is integrated completely with your sentence.

PHEW. I think that's everything. Sorry that took so long, apparently going through an article line by line is pretty time consuming haha. Let me know what your thoughts are.Bstbll (talk) 00:03, 11 June 2011 (UTC)[reply]