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Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Assessment/Bruce Kingsbury

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

Bruce Kingsbury

edit
Passed --Eurocopter (talk) 15:57, 19 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

The article is in solid shape, and I'd like to get this article to A-class so I can return my already overdue library books! \ / (⁂) 07:01, 7 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Support with Comments

  • 'The Japanese had begun to gather momentum in their attack, were threatening to cut off the entire battalion' - 'and' needs to be inserted there.
  • 'It is often speculated by authors and military analysts that had Kingsbury not attacked, the Japanese would have isolated the Battalion Headquarters, eventually destroying the battalion' - Can this be expanded on a little? What would those analysts and historians believe the consequences to be if the battalion had been destroyed? And is destroyed quite the right name for a formation being wiped out?
  • Comment Support
    • "have been identified as what undoubtedly saved the Battalion Headquarters, and was awarded the Victoria Cross as a result." You're missing a pronoun, I believe.
    • Watch linking things over and over. Kokoda Track campaign#Battle of Isurava is linked twice just in the lead.
    • Make sure all refs are combined. I noticed a couple of Brune ones at least, check in case there are more.

Please fix these and also the comments above, and tell me and I will come back and support it. Especially the statement about the speculation needs to be explained and expanded more.– Joe Nutter 22:25, 13 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

 Done I did the best I could with the second point, and I can't find the missing pronoun in the first comment. \ / (⁂ | ※) 00:40, 14 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]
The refs are good, I went ahead and fixed the lead myself. It looks good now. – Joe Nutter 03:08, 14 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Another minor comment - although this isn't required for ACR, if you plan on taking it to FAC (and recommended in general) use The dab finder tool to specify links to disambiguation pages. – Joe Nutter 03:13, 14 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments Support A very nice article, but I have some comments related to the article's prose before I can support.--Jackyd101 (talk) 23:04, 18 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]

  • "shot by a Japanese sniper and dying instantly." feels a little awkward, I suggest "shot by a Japanese sniper and instantly killed." instead
  • "Kingsbury became close friends with Allen Avery when they were five years old" - who? Avery needs a better introduction, such as "Kingsbury formed a lifelong friendship with neighbour [?] Allen Avery when they were five years old"
OK, the problem here is that Avery is not introduced in the context of the article: unless he is already famous (and thus linked to his own article), we have no idea who he is. You need to clarify at first meeting who he was to Kingsbury, i.e. a lifelong friend. If you don't know exactly how they met, then don't worry about that.
I like the change, nice work.
  • Insert links to Syria-Lebanon Campaign and Battle of Jezzine.
  • "which had forced metal splinters into his spine" - is awkward, try "which drove metal splinters into his spine"
  • "His attack inflicted numerous injuries to the Japanese" - awkward, try "His attack inflicted severe damage to the Japanese force"
  • "It is often speculated by authors and military analysts" - This paragraph is a touch incoherent and I've had a go at making it make more sense. However, I'm not sure what "had resorted to climbing a steep hill straight towards battalion headquarters" means - I think you might be misusing the word resorted.
  • I recommend that you seperate the citation from the rest of the text with some form of box, as in Thomas Crisp, although this is not essential.
 Done In regards to the second comment, I can't find any information about how they met, they could have been neighbours, school friends or whatever. I was tempted to use neighbour as they both lived in Prahan, but neighbour in Australian English typically means just the guy living next to you, not the community. I've reworded the speculation paragraph as best I can, and I will look at separating the citation. \ / (⁂ | ※) 00:01, 19 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Good work, moving closer to support, I have replied on point two above.--Jackyd101 (talk) 09:09, 19 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Very nice work, congratulations.--Jackyd101 (talk) 10:42, 19 December 2008 (UTC)[reply]
The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page, such as the current discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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