Wikipedia:Peer review/Volcano (South Park)/archive1

Volcano (South Park) edit

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm wondering what its chances at FAC are. Hunter Kahn and I have recently expanded this article to GA status, and I think this might have potential.

Thanks, --Music26/11 13:29, 14 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comment - Links to IMDb and TV.com in the external links section would be nice. :) TheLeft orium 22:32, 14 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
- Done. — Hunter Kahn _(c) 05:13, 15 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: I find I don't have a lot to say here, partly because I've never seen an episode of South Park. I've made a few specific suggestions about the prose through the middle of the "Plot" section to give you some examples of the kinds of prose problems that need attention. The writing seems generally more carefully done in the lower sections, although I see things like the "Untied" States in the second sentence of "Production". I also find the lower sections more interesting. Sorry I can't of much more to say. You might ask someone at WP:TV to take a look.

Lead

"In the episode, the boys go on a hunting trip with Stan's uncle Jimbo and his war buddy Ned, where Stan is frustrated by his inability to shoot a living creature and Cartman tries scare the hunting party with tales of a creature named Scuzzlebutt." - It might be good here to include a clause elaborating on "the boys". A reader who has never seen an episode won't know who they are or how many or how important they are to the series. Also, "during which" rather than "where"? Also, a word seems to be missing between "tries" and "scare".
"they were particularly pleased with the lava" - Wikilink lava?
"which was made on a computer to resemble orange construction paper" - Wikilink construction paper?
"The episode marked the first appearances of recurring characters Ned Gerblansky and Randy Marsh, who is identified as the town geologist, and is established as Stan's father in later episodes." - Suggestion: "The episode marked the first appearances of recurring characters Ned Gerblansky and Randy Marsh. The latter, the town geologist, is established as Stan's father in later episodes.

Plot

"As they arrive, Jimbo explains the boys how they should hunt." - "explains to" rather than "explains"?
"Stan proves to not have the proper temperament to enjoy hunting" - "does not have" rather than "proves to not have"?
"and finds himself unable to shoot a living target when provided the opportunity" - Delete "when provided the opportunity"?
"Jimbo is impressed with Kenny, who, opposite to Stan, is able to shoot animals." - "unlike Stan" rather than "opposite to Stan"?
"who directs one of her aides to make appropriate calls about the crisis" - "Calls" might be misunderstood to mean telephone calls. "Decisions"?
"The boys then see Cartman in disguised as Scuzzlebutt" - "in disguise"?

Images

The licensing for Image:Bert2.png is incomplete and doubtful. The dot.com site that says the image is in the public domain is not a reliable source for this information. Furthermore, the source link provided on the license description page is dead. Thus the public domain claim is not verifiable from the information provided.

I hope these few suggestions prove helpful. Finetooth (talk) 21:25, 24 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your comments, I believe I have taken care of them all. There is an external link at the bottom of the page that links to the official website where you can watch the episode online if you want to. That's all.--Music26/11 15:07, 26 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]