Wikipedia:Peer review/Robert Benchley/archive1

Robert Benchley

Things I do know: I'm working on a public domain image for the infobox with his grandson (really!), so that's forthcoming. The subpage with his works is incomplete, but is being compiled as I write this and may, in fact, be done by the time anyone sees this. I also need help on the lead. Outside of that, pointers would be appreciated. --badlydrawnjeff talk 03:53, 21 May 2007 (UTC)

• Well written, but it's clear you are suffering from an overdose of reading too much writing from the primary source. :-) In other words, you're writing humorously, and animatedly, which is fun, but, well... we're an encyclopedia. If Benchley had to choose between being light-hearted and amusing but confusing, and plain but dull, he'd choose the former. Out of the same choices, we have to choose the latter. If you can manage to be fun to read but scrupulously understandable and correct, OK, but if there is any doubt, go to the shorter, plainer sentences, please. If in doubt, feel free to replace almost any given "and" with a period. :-) I also see you have made good friends with the semicolon. :-)
  • • I've learned semicolons a bit. i'm getting there, haha. As for the tone, I didn't realize it was that noticeable, and I actually had some struggle with getting it done. Go fig. Anyway...
  • Westminster Abbey)[1]), parens
    • Fixed.
  • Actually, rewrite that whole first sentence of Biography - it's very amusing, but hard to understand, implying that RB was jailed for Underground Railroad work
    • Suggestions? Is what's there now better?
  • September 15 1889 - WP:DATE
    • True story - I only realized today that the software actually recognized the year in formatting. Fixed
  • Edmund Benchley, who after his death in the Spanish-American War in 1898 impacted Robert's life considerably - err... again, please rewrite. He did something after his death?
    • Got it.
  • year of high school[4] - add period
    • Fixed.
  • humor and style began to reveal itself during this time as well; - dump "as well" (or rewrite so to get rid of "began")
    • Fixed
  • most entertainment programs on campus would request his services - "most"? Really? More than half of all entertainment for the entire college focused on one freshman?
    • From the text: "[Benchley's] 'talks' grew so popular that, in time, most student organizations viewed it as something of a necessity to include a Benchley appearance in their entertainment programs." Surprising to me, too.
  • Papyrus Club - red link should be stubbed out at least, otherwise the sentence doesn't really explain what it was
    • Done
  • Another English professor recommended Benchley speak with the Curtis Publishing Company, and, following some explorations elsewhere, took a position at a civil service office - So the English professor took a position at a civil service office? Probably want to rephrase, breaking into two sentences would be simpler.
    • Adjusted this better, I think
  • French - disambiguate (probably French language)
    • Good catch
  • The first issue was soundly criticized by management - why? Badly written, not funny, too funny...?
    • Went with the exact criticism.
  • Again, it would be good to rewrite that sentence into two.
    • Done
  • He reentered the public speaking circuit - when was he in the public speaking circuit before? I guess he told jokes at Harvard, but that's hardly "the circuit"
    • Better now?
  • The Chinese professor caper sentence - again, very long. I recommend moving the whole bit between the dashes into a following sentence.
    • I may have fixed this, but I'm not sure. It's hard for me to remove that section, as I think it loses what the joke was about.
  • with the New York Tribune[20] - needs a period
    • Got it.
  • Sunday magazine sentence has two clauses led by ", and" which, to me, is a clue that it needs to be broken up
    • Better?
  • The experience inspired Benchley's fellow staff at the Tribune magazine on further topics for articles, such as Benchley playing a corpse - this was due to inspiration to the staff? In other words this was the staff's idea?
    • I think this is fixed
  • The freelancing attempt did not start out well, having sold one piece - the attempt sold one piece?
    • Fixed?
  • pictoral - pictorial?
    • It says "pictorial" now, which I believe is my intent.
  • Benchley tendered his resignation in a terse letter ... and their attempts to - who are the "they" of "their" in this sentence? I mean, I can guess you mean the people who want Benchley and Greuning to resign, but don't make me guess, write it.
    • Entirely logical. Fixed.
  • Collier's - wikilink, first mention in article, if we don't have an article on it we darn well should
    • AWB error, fixed.
  • Benchley's Fair pseudonym - come on, write out Vanity Fair, otherwise I'm wondering exactly what an unfair pseudonym would be :-)
    • Ba-dum-ching.
  • most of Benchley's work, which was typically published twice a month, were attributed - pick either was or were
    • Better?
  • Others, featuring a character Benchley created, were attributed to Benchley's Fair pseudonym Brighton Perry, but most of Benchley's work, which was typically published twice a month, were attributed to Benchley. - You mention "Benchley" four times in this sentence. I know normally I'm all for specificity, but just this once I'll let you use a pronoun. :-) Honest. Go ahead, I won't make it a habit. :-)
    • Aw, okay. better?
  • The three writers became close - scanning back a bit, I imagine you mean Benchley, Parker, and Sherwood, but the fact that you spent several sentences on other issues made me first think you were counting his pseudonym Perry!
    • Gotcha.
  • often having long lunches at the Algonquin Hotel, and, when the editorial managers went on a European trip, the three took advantage - another long sentence to break up. "often" is the indefinite - many occurences - , while "when" refers to a specific instance, putting them in a single sentence is confusing. Date the specific instance.
    • Dating the specificity is hard given the source. Does this work better?
  • The latter in particular worried Sherwood, as he felt it may jeopardize - tense issues. could have jeopardized, perhaps?
    • Fixed.
  • The situation at Vanity Fair would deteriorate upon the managerial team's return - how about just "deteriorated"?
    • Fixed
  • the management sent out a memo forbidding the discussion of salaries in an attempt to begin to reign in his staff. -- Aaagh... First, "the management" and "his staff"? The mgt is one male person? Second, he forbade trying to reign in staff through discussing salaries?
    • Fixed?
  • which Benchley filled out, in very small handwriting, an elaborate story - with an elaborate story?
    • Fixed
  • her theatrical reviews by the producers of the plays - the producers wrote her reviews? For that I'd have fired her too... :-)
    • Fixed
  • word of it was published in Time by Alexander Woollcott, who was at a lunch - please, break up, I can't even make fun of this one. :-)
    • Yikes, you're right. Better?
  • Given that Benchley had two children at the time of the resignation - whoah! (Dead? I didn't even know he was sick!) Last we heard of his personal life, he was a libertine at Harvard. Now he suddenly has two children? I would humbly submit the article might be missing a somewhat important incident or two.
    • I need your help on this, probably hands-on. There's a section about his personal life on the bottom (something that's a good deal of an afterthought in most bios about him, for the exception of the one by his son, but Gertrude and family don't really factor into the big picture - they didn't influence his work, they didn't affect him at all from the looks of thigns. I need help.
      • You did OK, moving his family bit to the top is a fine way of handling it.
  • Its title, "Books and Other Things," ran for one year - the title ran for one year? Surely you mean the column.
    • Fixed
  • covered both literary subjects as well as the more mundane - so there are only two literary subjects? What's the other one? :-) (Either drop "both", or replace "as well as" with "and")
    • Fixed
  • In fact, make it "books on literary subjects as well as..." otherwise it seems the column was about bricklaying, not about a book on bricklaying
    • Fixed
  • the magazine.[35]),[36] - can you figure out a way to put both ref marks together? I guess technically it might be correct, but period-ref-paren-comma-ref just looks gruesome.
    • I'm going to get a second opinion on this one.
  • Algonquin Round Table - wikilink here, you last mentioned this in the lead, which was a long time ago, and this is possibly the most important thing in the whole article
    • Done. I need some help in incorporating more information on this, too, possibly. Or is the Wikilink enough
      • The link is enough. Our article on that isn't an FA candidate like this one is, but it's not a stub.
  • It was a number of years into the arrangement, however, that changed things - the number of years changed things? Suggestion: "In 192X, the arrangement changed." Short and specific.
    • Better? I don't have exact dates.
  • a challenge, and Benchley's contribution to the program, called "The Treasurer's Report," - put a period after challenge, start next sentence with "Benchley's contribution was called" "Benchley played..." could well be yet a third sentence.
    • Fixed

That's roughly the first half, don't worry, I'll be back. -- AnonEMouse ^(squeak) 15:00, 21 May 2007 (UTC)

• As usual, you're indispensible. --badlydrawnjeff talk 02:08, 22 May 2007 (UTC)

Return of AnonEMouse

Better late than never, I guess. :-)

• • influenced many modern humorists. - modern meaning what? early 20th C - "contemporary", later 20th C - i'd suggest "later" - or just be more specific: "influenced later humorists such as Sinbad, Stephen Wright, and Weird Al Yankovic ..." (though I kind of hope not those...)
    • Fixed.
  • His legacy is his - a bit strong. How about "His legacy includes a "?
    • Fixed.
  • a distinct pacifist leanings - singular or plural, choose one
    • Fixed.
  • financial aid from his late brother's fiancee, Lillian Duryea - 1) Why was Duryea rich, and 2) why was Benchley's family poor enough to need the help? Or, rather, what did Charles and Maria Benchley do for a living? This isn't strictly required but could be worth a few words.
    • Well, Duryea seemed to have inherentence money, and Benchley's family wasn't poor, but simply not rich enough for this type of schooling. Regardless, the story behind it isn't terribly interesting or necessary, so I'm going to leave it alone for now unless I can mke it work otherwise.
  • thereby damaging his academic credentials.[12] Benchley enrolled at Harvard University - How is that? Now a days, kids with damaged academic credentials don't usually get into Harvard. Was Harvard less selective then? Or were Benchley's credentials so stellar they still qualified for Harvard even after a bit of damaging? Or did Dureya build them a new wing or something?
    • I've qualified this better.
  • I'd wikilink Harvard Lampoon again here. MOS seems to say something like link once per section, or once per screenful, both of which are different from the link in the header.
    • Good catch.
  • Owing to an academic failure in his senior year, - he caroused again, and all his grades dropped?
    • Got it.
  • the better magazine; and Vanity Fair - recommend a comma here, rather than semicolon
    • Fixed.
  • the annual Harvard–Yale football game - if you like, you can make a more specific link: Harvard-Yale football games (The Game)
    • Oh, sweet!
  • When an job as a press agent - a job
    • Confused on this, I'll leave it be for now.
  • Brady was extremely difficult to work for, and he resigned - presumably Benchley resigned, not Brady :-)
    • Yeah, yeah.
  • Some of Benchley's columns, ... were attributed ..., but most was attributed - either "were" or "most of his work was" or something
    • Yup, you caught that.
  • mocking the local theatre establishment and offering parodic articles - insert or move "articles" or "columns" to the front of this phrase, otherwise it's not clear they mocked in print
    • Fixed
  • $500 a week - WP:$
    • Fixed
  • the lure of filmmaking would not keep Benchley away - actually it seems filmmaking did lure Benchley away. Rephrase.
    • Got it
  • Benchley, who had also been offered a syndicated column by Hearst, was able to film the shorts in New York, but not before taking a role in the Clark Gable film Dancing Lady.[53] - confusing, what does the column have to do with the shorts, and what do the shorts have to do with the Gable film? Split by subject, please. :-)
    • I think I've fixed this
  • The only group not initially pleased - so they were pleased later? Worth specifying, or dropping "initially"
    • Not sure how I slipped that in there
  • at the 1935 Academy Awards - I'd wikilink 1935 Academy Awards, header link is far away
    • Done
  • A Night at the Movies - that wikilink doesn't go where you think it goes! :-)
    • Fixed, page to come.
  • Nearing the end - not a great section heading, not clear if you mean his life, in which case it seems rather dramatic, or his career. I recommend retitling to "Downturn in career" or "Later life" or "end of life" something.
    • I never felt comfortable with it. LAter life works
  • His experience with Weekend at the Waldorf was especially upsetting, as the writing was subpar. - who says it was subpar? A criticism like that needs a reference, even if it was his own judgment.
    • Yeah, umb move on my part
  • caused by a drinking problem which had developed later in his life. - can you be more specific than "later"?
    • I've tied and failed. There's no real time period where it clearly started
  • Oliver Wendell Holmes - disambiguate link
    • Thanks
  • The Algonquin Round Table - Ah, I see your point now. Yes, that is a short section, but I can't immediately suggest improvement. As is, it may even be worth removing the short section and relying on the earlier Wikilink... Is there something specific about Benchley's influence on the Table? Was he among the most acerbic, the kindest, did he welcome new members, recruit new members, drive away members, did he actively gather the publicity that the group is famed by, did he avoid publicity for the group?
    • I've decided that the actual Round Table article will be one of my next projects, so I hink I'm going to leave this be - he was a "founding" member, per se, so it's important enough to note somehow on the side. So I'll clarify the short part a bit more and get to work on the round table article soon.
  • Works cited - give ISBNs where you can. Amazon books almost all have ISBNs listed. Also WP:DATE link the years with days and months too. :-)
    • Believe it or not, the two books lacking ISBNs, my versions don't have them. Go figure.
  • External links - mixes major archives with individual articles. If you can move the individual articles up to works cited, that would be better. Surely they have some interesting bits to cite. Specify that Texaco Star Theatre is a recording, not just a page

--AnonEMouse ^(squeak) 15:41, 5 June 2007 (UTC) PS - With most of the above fixed, I'd support this for FA. Well done. --AnonEMouse ^(squeak) 15:43, 5 June 2007 (UTC)

• • • I think it's only one actual article, and I'll see what I can do with it. Thanks! Off to FA we go... --badlydrawnjeff talk 02:22, 6 June 2007 (UTC)