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Wikipedia:Peer review/PowerBook 100/archive1

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PowerBook 100

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I have just completely re-written this from scratch. It is now fully referenced. I would like some feedback to make it even better (Aims: GA and then FA status) Thanks — Wackymacs (talk) 11:15, 11 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]


Laser brain's comments
  • "It was one of the first three simultaneously released models of the PowerBook series." Suggest: "... simultaneously-released PowerBook models."?
  • Place non-breaking spaces between numbers and units (ex: $1 million).
  • "Despite this, the new PowerBook line was a success, generating over $1 billion in additional revenue for Apple in its first year." Rather than the ambiguous "this", say "Despite the low budget..." Also, the word "additional" seems unnecessary.
  • "... were a result of this new strategy and quite popular." Grammar.
  • Use of passive voice when discussing the $1 million marketing budget eliminates the subject. Change to active (both in the lead and the text) and tell us who did the allocating. Sculley? A marketing director?
  • "Chiat/Day, the advertising agency Apple had previously used to create the 1984 Macintosh commercial, were hired." Since this is an American subject, don't use the British penchant for treating collective entities as plurals. Use "was hired".
  • Lots more passive voice... was hired.. was filmed.. was unveiled. Affects readability.
  • "... with peak demand within the first three months of release." Grammar.
  • "This was mainly because customers thought it was worth the additional cost..." Avoid beginning sentences with "This" referring to previous ideas. Restate the idea.
  • "By January 1992, Apple had sold more than 100,000 PowerBooks, at which time it was still in short supply." I don't recall your stating previously that it was in short supply.
  • Some of your citations are not formatted correctly.. check the instructions for the Citation template to see how to use the fields properly.

I'm out of time, more later. --Laser brain (talk) 20:54, 12 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

  • Fixed these issues; removed most of the passive voice. — Wackymacs (talk ~ edits) 09:01, 18 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: I think Laser brain has made some very good suggestions for improvement. As requested, here I am with a few more.

  • Avoid needless repetition - for example In 1990, John Sculley, then-CEO of Apple Computer, made the decision to personally oversee product development to ensure Apple released new computers to market more quickly. He adopted a new strategy to increase market share by lowering prices, bringing products to market faster and by planning to release more "hit" products. Do we have to be told twice in two sentences that things will come to market faster?
  • Next sentence seems odd The low-end Macintosh Classic and Macintosh LC, both desktop computers released by Apple in 1990, were popular because of this strategy. Sounds like people bought them because of the strategy, not the product (which resulted from the strategy).
  • Try to combine short choppy sentences for better / smoother flow. So The PowerBook project started in 1990. Sculley wanted the product to be released within a year. The project had three managers: John Medica, Randy Battat, and Neil Selvin. At the time, Battat was the vice president for product marketing. Medica managed engineering for the new laptop. Selvin headed the marketing effort.[5] could be something like Sculley started the project in 1990 and wanted the PowerBook to be released within a year. The project had three managers: John Medica, who managed engineering for the new laptop; Randy Battat, who was the vice president for product marketing; and Neil Selvin, who headed the marketing effort.[5]
  • Missing word? Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, sitting uncomfortably in a small airline coach [seat?], yet comfortably typing
  • Please give both English and metric units - 8.5 in D × 11 in W × 1.8 in H etc.
  • Features says it had 2 MB memory and Reception says The 20 MB hard drive was criticized - these seem to disagree
  • General impression I had is to make sure to have a clear story line - for example in History Sales decreased by December 1991, when both the 140 and 170 models were more popular ... should there be some explanation that these new models were introduced before this?

Hope this helps, if you get a chance there are 10 computer related PRs from one user with little or no repsonses - see Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog Keep up the good work, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 02:23, 16 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

La Pianista's comments

Again, I have heartlessly, inconsiderately taken the liberty to edit the article without your permission. :-} (just kidding, of course)

Here is everything else that needs your consideration:

  • "The PowerBook project started in 1990. Apple allocated $1 million for marketing." See if you can combine these sentences or if you can elaborate one or the other to alleviate choppiness.
  • "The PowerBook project started in 1990." is repeated twice (once in the lead and again under "History.) To further obviate it, they are both introductory sentences to their respective paragraphs. You can rephrase either one.
  • It would sound better to combine "At the time, Battat was the vice president for product marketing. Medica managed engineering for the new laptop. Selvin headed the marketing effort." as "At the time, Battat was the vice president for product marketing, Medica managed engineering for the new laptop, and Selvin headed the marketing effort."
  • You should probably include a metric conversion of all conventional units (e.g. 8 lbs => 8 lbs (3.63 kg)
  • "By January 1992, Apple had sold more than 100,000 PowerBooks, at which time it was in short supply." Here, "at which time" sounds awkward. How about: "By January 1992, Apple had sold more than 100,000 PowerBooks, which led to a mass decrease in availability."
    • Maybe, but this would be incorrect: The high sales did not lead to the supply issue. As explained just before that sentence: "The PowerBook 100's initial popularity did not last. Sales decreased by December 1991, when both the 140 and 170 models were more popular because customers thought it was worth the additional cost for the built-in floppy disk drive, which the PowerBook 100 lacked." — Wackymacs (talk ~ edits) 09:01, 18 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]
      • Then what exactly led to the supply issue? If possible, that should be added, and it would be best to replace "at which time" with something more aesthetically acceptable. --LaPianista! 16:19, 24 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • "An electrical short caused a small hole to melt in the casing, which occurred in three of the 60,000 notebooks. The affected products were manufactured between October and March 1991." could be combined as "An electrical short caused a small hole to melt in the casing, which occurred in three of the 60,000 notebooks manufactured between October and March 1991."
  • "However, Apple released System 6.0.8L which specifically allowed the PowerBook 100 to run System 6." Which requires a comma preceding it, while that does not. Either add a comma preceding "which" or replace "which" with "that."

More soon...

  • "The PowerBook 100 did not include an external modem port, instead it offered an optional built-in 2400 baud modem for communications." This contains a comma splice. You can do three things: replace the comma with a semicolon, start a new sentence with "Instead" (choppy, not recommended), or add a conjunction before "instead."
  • "Las Vegas, Nevada" does in fact need a comma after "Nevada." It has nothing to do with phrasing; it's a special exception regarding city-state locations (I used to get points off my grades for forgetting that). Reciprocate this comma usage with "San Diego, California" and other city-state phrases.
  • The overall impression I have with the prose is its possible overuse of simple sentences. Inserting a few compound sentences, complex sentences, or compound-complex sentences would help encourage reader interest. I also notice that the choppiness is most dense where there are more refs; try reading the sentences aloud, disregarding the other marks, and you'll see my point.
  • "The 100's styling was based on them and represents the first improvements to the PowerBook line as Apple benefited from the lessons learned in developing the more powerful model's enclosure." This is a particularly awkward sentence, especially considering the use of the trite "lessons learned."
  • "The dark granite grey color set it apart from other notebook computers of the time, and also from Apple's other products which traditionally used a beige or platinum grey color."

Thanks for waiting so long for my reply, and my many apologies for being late. :-) --LaPianista! 16:19, 24 May 2008 (UTC)[reply]

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