Wikipedia:Peer review/Nicol David/archive2

Nicol David edit

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for May 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am interested in listing it as an Featured Article, but was advised to get some more feedback as it does not meet the criteria for FA inclusion.

Thanks, Arteyu ? _{Blame it on me !} 22:45, 16 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Done Ricardiana (talk) 16:16, 20 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Ricardiana

Sources

Footnote 2 is to Facebook and cites info already cited to footnote 1. Should be removed.
I see most of your citations are to web sources, mainly Squashtalk, etc. I don't know how FAC will feel about that. I don't think there are other sources, however. If you would like to take this to FAC, I suggest you a) get the opinion of someone who knows more about sources & FAC than me, and b) be prepared to justify why these are good sites.
The footnote to David's alternate name should explain it as well as giving the source.

Tables

These are very helpful and nice. However, the section on "Other titles" goes in reverse chronological order, while other tables and lists go in chronological order. This confused me for a minute, and I think they should be consistent. I also think it would be worth considering whether the "Other titles" info could also be put into a table, since many of the titles she's won multiple times. (If you put the info into a table, you could then use a single footnote at the head of a column, rather than repeating the footnote over and over.)

Recurring prose issues

There are a number of grammatical issues. I've listed them, with an example after each. I suggest printing the article out and copyediting for one problem at a time - go through once and just look for switches in tense, for example. Sometimes it helps to read backwards, paragraph by paragraph.

Verb tense. There a number of switches in tense; here's an example: "before eventually going down to a rare defeat in the final of the British Open to Australian Rachael Grinham in a gruelling five sets final that ends in 87 minutes." There are also a number of incorrect verbs: "Nicol then start to progress at the very last month of the year"; "Nicol were the losing finalist"; "She end up losing to Cassie Jackman".
Has been - "has done", etc. I know this is a verb issue, too, but it comes up so often I thought I'd mention it separately. Generally, you use "has" when you should use "was." Here's an example: "On June 7, 2008, Nicol David has been honoured with the Order of Merit". This should be "was honored." The reason is this. "Has been" is for when you are comparing different times. So you could say, "She has been honored with this and now with that." But since you are only talking about one time in the past, you only need regular past tense.
Comma splices. Here's an example: "Nicol starts the year on a low, she lost twice to Vanessa Atkinson in February".
Sentence fragments. Example: "But then bounced back to win a whopping six titles that includes the tour Platinum series tournament – the Hong Kong Open."
"Peacock" phrasing. I don't think that FAC will like this. Example: "Malaysian squash star Nicol David is proving that everything she touches in 2005 turns to gold." Another example: "In today's standard of professional squash, which is regarded by many as being much more competitive than what it was decades ago, having a winning streak comparable to this is an achievement not easily obtainable." Yet another: "Considering her young age, she is expected to remain the top female player in the game for a while to come." Expected by whom? You can only make glowing statements like these if you are quoting a source.

Other prose issues

"Nicol David is the first squash player to have won the World Junior title twice (1999 and 2000)[3] under the tutelage of Richard Glanfield." Grammatically, this means that she is the first to do so under Glanfield's tutelage, but others might also have won the tournament twice. Is that what you meant to say?
"Nicol has risen in name after her near total dominance of the game" - risen in fame, perhaps?
"Nicol David first encounter with squash began at a tender age of 5, at that time she was very small that even her racquets were bigger than her" - needs possessive (David's); comma splice; end of sentence should read "so small that...", rather than "very small that...".
"Perfect WISPA Year: Ten Tour Titles – And Unbeaten!" This reads like a newspaper headline. Are you quoting something? If not, I suggest removing the capitalization and writing it as more of a sentence, e.g., "David won ten tour titles and was unbeaten".

Lead

The lead should only contain info that is given in the body of the article, and should summarize each section of the article. Right now it doesn't summarize the entire article and it contains statements, such as the quotation from the prime minister, that don't appear anywhere else in the article.

I hope these comments are helpful. Nicol David sounds like a very interesting player who deserves a good article. Best, Ricardiana (talk) 00:35, 21 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the review. I will try to correct any possible mistake that I've done. Can I also get review on the referencing style that I've used? I just want to know whether it is correct or not. Thanks Arteyu ? _{Blame it on me !} 04:57, 21 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

You're welcome. I think the reference style you used is fine. Ricardiana (talk) 05:02, 21 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Hmm, Ricardiana, would you help me to correct some 'Verb Tense' error for me. I do not know how to correct it. Maybe then only I will get some idea of the mistakes that I've made. Arteyu ? _{Blame it on me !} 05:38, 21 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Sure. I'll try to help out starting tomorrow. Best, Ricardiana (talk) 07:15, 21 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Gee, thanks Arteyu ? _{Blame it on me !} 07:25, 21 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I edited the "Family and early life" section for verb tenses and also some other things, like getting rid of peacock wording and referring to David consistently by her last name. I hope the edits make sense and help clarify my remarks above. Let me know if you have other questions, and I'll try to work on the article a bit more later. Best, Ricardiana (talk) 03:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Also made a few edits to "1999" and "2000". Ricardiana (talk) 03:55, 22 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

A big thank you to you for your willingness to improve the article quality (: Arteyu ? _{Blame it on me !} 08:31, 22 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

You're welcome. Ricardiana (talk) 16:20, 22 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Which section should I place this sentence "Nicol has risen in name after her near total ....female player in the game for a while to come." ? Do I need to create a new section ? Arteyu ? _{Blame it on me !} 06:45, 28 May 2009 (UTC)[reply]