Wikipedia:Peer review/Neil Armstrong/archive1

Neil Armstrong edit

I have just completely rewritten and expanded the article based on the newly published biography by James Hansen. Looking for some more outside input as to where the article goes into too much depth or covers details that are obscure and unneeded in a Wikipedia biography. I haven't quite finished the footnoting and still want to cover the world tour he went on just after Apollo 11. Evil Monkey - Hello 02:55, 30 January 2006 (UTC)[reply]

It's great; don't trim anything. I think you picked some great topics, including the human aspects. Wikipedia isn't paper. --James S. 04:31, 31 January 2006 (UTC)[reply]

The Armstrong on film section seems a bit thin. Mabye this and the urban myths sections could be merged together into a Armstrong in popular culture section - which could also mention biographies, other notable appearances in the media (imbd) and his role in advertising (I know I'm thinking of Buzz, but has Armstrong also done infomercials or other endorsements?). The section on Apollo 11 could probably be written in more of a summary style and a {{main}} link included to the Apollo 11 article. Otherwise the article is looking pretty good.--nixie 04:37, 31 January 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Wikipedia isn't paper, but the Apollo 11 article should have most of the details mentioned in the corresponding section of this article. I think it might be possible to reduce the section by a couple paragraphs—the paragraph beginning "The objective of Apollo 11" and the following two paragraphs could be summarized to focus more on Armstrong himself and less on the mission. And if more can be written in the television/film section, that'd be helpful. The text could use some general tightening of the language—phrases like "The reason why Neil Armstrong would go down in history as the first person on the Moon probably came from a meeting in March 1969 between Deke Slayton, Bob Gilruth, George Low, and Chris Kraft" can be whacked down to "In a March 1969 meeting, Deke Slayton, Bob Gilruth, George Low, and Chris Kraft probably determined that Neil Armstrong would be the first person on the moon." (reduction of 8 words or ~20%, and more could be removed by combining sentences, etc.). Other than that though, very nice work. We need more good biography articles. --Spangineer (háblame) 03:26, 1 February 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the comments. I've merged the urban myths and TV sections to create a "popular culture" section as suggested. Also I've added a paragraph about his biography by Hansen. As for the prose, I am the first to admit that it sucks at times. Although I agree that Wikipedia is not paper, I understand that no one wants a 20,000 word biography article :-) Evil Monkey - Hello 21:58, 3 February 2006 (UTC)[reply]