Wikipedia:Peer review/My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic/archive6

My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic

Previous peer review

I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to get this article to FA-status. Any comments on how I could improve this article to FA-status would be welcome.

Thanks, Pamzeis (talk) 11:41, 24 July 2021 (UTC)

Comments from Wingwatchers

@Pamzeis Article looks good, but tried to reduce more quotes as possible. Wingwatchers (talk) 00:17, 7 August 2021 (UTC)

Thanks, Wingwatchers! I've reduced some of the quotes. If you have any other comments, please share them! I would appreciate as many comments as possible. Thank you. Pamzeis (talk) 07:47, 7 August 2021 (UTC)

Can Critical reception be changed to Critical response? The citation section's unequally organized column error needed to be fixed. Possibly too much links in External links? @Pamzeis Wingwatchers (talk) 03:18, 8 September 2021 (UTC)

Here are my responses to your suggestions:

1.  Not done: per MOS:VAR, there's no obvious/substantial need for this (MOS:TVRECEPTION does not mention the heading). The article has had this subheading since late-July 2011 (over 10 years).
2.  Partly done: it's not an error: the reason it's like this is because of a cite bundle confirming the information (all of them are needed). As far as I know, there is no policy or guideline mandating this; however, I have removed some of the unnecessary sources which are just press releases.
3.  Removed TV.com external link because the site seems to be dead.

Thank you for your comments, Wingwatchers. I have responded to them and adjusted the article accordingly. Please let me know if you have any others. Thanks. Pamzeis (talk) 04:31, 8 September 2021 (UTC)

Comments from SNUGGUMS

• File:My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic logo - 2017.svg has an appropriate FUR
• No concerns with File:Lauren Faust.jpg or File:C2E2 2013 - Twilight Sparkle (8701577779).jpg
• Maybe it's just a loading issue on my end, but I couldn't see the storyboard in any of the source URLs for File:Mlp fim storyboard sample.png, even its archived link
• File:Jayson Thiessen and Sethisto at BroNYCon Sept. 2011 cropped.jpg and File:Daniel ingram.png are claimed to be the own work of their original uploaders. I'll assume good faith with both when there's no convincing evidence to the contrary.

While I currently can't promise any commentary on the prose, I at least hope this image review is helpful. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 01:46, 10 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you for a review on the images, SNUGGUMS! I've uploaded a different image for File:Mlp fim storyboard sample.png, which I think is OK. Pamzeis (talk) 10:09, 10 September 2021 (UTC)

You're quite welcome, and that definitely is a better fit, especially with more details on the animation/storyboard process. SNUGGUMS (talk / edits) 11:55, 10 September 2021 (UTC)

Comments by Z1720

A general thought: I highly encourage you to review FACs if you have not already done so. This will help you understand some of the comments that others will notice in your article, and build goodwill that will encourage others to review your FAC. I also suggest asking the WP:GOCE to review the article, as they are much better than me in spelling and grammar. Thoughts are listed below:

• "Rainbow Dash (Ball), and Pinkie Pie (Libman), and dragon assistant Spike (Cathy Weseluck)," Delete the first and, as I assume Spike is also considered a friend.

•  Done

• " who travel on adventures and help others around Equestria while solving problems that arise in their own friendships." Put this in its own sentence, as this sentence is already quite long and it's a new thought.

•  Done

• "The series is animated in Flash, and aired on The Hub (which was renamed Discovery Family on October 13, 2014) from October 10, 2010, to October 12, 2019." Don't change tense in the middle of a sentence. Instead, put them in separate sentences.

•  Removed "is"

• "Additionally, it led to new merchandising opportunities for Hasbro, including games and comics." -> The series led to new merchandising opportunities for Hasbro" to remove unnecessary words

•  Done

• "and ran alongside the show for several years." Can the article be more specific about how long they ran at the same time?

• I changed it to six (2013–2019)

• "Equestria and her mentor, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, a studious unicorn, travels to the town of Ponyville to learn about friendship." Too many commas. Try to reword to eliminate some of these. (Or spread them out)

• Attempted to reword

• "The ponies find they represent different" -> find that they represent

•  Done

• The Origin section is too long. Either trim or split it off into new subheadings.

• I've done my best to split it into subheadings.

• "Just as Michael Bay's film had helped boost the new Transformers toy line, Hasbro wanted to retool the My Little Pony franchise to better suit the current demographic of young girls." -> Hasbro was inspired by the Transformers film, as it helped increase sales of the Transformers toy line. The company wanted to retool the My Little Pony franchise to appeal to the current demographic of young girls.

•  Done

• "in the past was an important programming decision," What is meant by "important programming decision"?

• I've changed it to important decision in televised media but that doesn't seem right to me either...

• I'll take a look when I do a second readthrough. Z1720 (talk) 02:48, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

• "with the concept of parents "co-viewing" with their children being a central theme of the Hub Network's programming." -> with the network trying to create shows that parents and children would watch together. To remove the quotation marks.

•  Done but omitted "with" as I have seen suggestions at multiple FACs/PRs to avoid the "with" X verb-ing structure.

• "Outside help was sought" What outside help? Be specific

• I've removed this sentence as it is not really relevant to how Faust became involved.

• ""completely on the fly"." I don't think this is needed and can be deleted.

•  Removed

• "she had always found shows based" -> she thought shows based on

•  Done

• "but she was disappointed that her imagination was nothing like the animated shows," I don't know what is meant by "that her imagination" can we just say that she was disappointed in the concept that the company had come up with?

• Attempted to reword

• "With the chance to work on My Little Pony," I think My Little Pony needs to be in italics, because it is talking about the TV show in this sentence.

•  Done

• "To do this, " Delete, the next sentence is obvious that it is talking about how to avoid the girl-tv show stereotypes

•  Removed

• "In addition, Faust envisioned the ponies" -> She envisioned the ponies

•  Done

• "when she recognized the younger target audience and the difficulty of basing complex plots on the adventure elements." I don't know what is meant by this and should probably be reworded.

• Attempted to reword

• "By the time the show was approved," -> What the show was approved

• Assuming you meant when and not what,  Done

• "appeared on her DeviantArt page (fyre-fly)" -> appeared on her DeviantArt page entitles fyre-fly.

•  Done

• "Twilight; Applejack, the cowgirl; Firefly, the "badass";" How was Twilight envisioned?

• To my knowledge, it was not stated.

• You might have to remove Twilight from this list, but then some editors might ask that Twilight's name and inspiration be included. Z1720 (talk) 02:48, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

• I've refrained from doing that for now as this is who she based the main characters, excluding Spike, of. However, if others think it should be removed, I'll gladly do so.

• " provided the core" What is meant by the core?

• Replaced with inspiration

• "She credited Rudish for the inspiration of the pegasus ponies controlling the weather, as well as Nightmare Moon." What is Nightmare Moon?

• Clarified

• "Afterward, many ideas of how the ponies' world was special came to Faust. " I don't think this sentence is needed.

•  Removed

• "Faust also consulted her husband Craig McCracken, who is the creator of " Delete "who is"

•  Removed

• "When designing the settings, she sent photo references to Dave Dunnet:" Who is Dave Dunnet?

•  Added that he is an artist

• "She, Thiessen, and James Wootton presented a two-minute short to pitch to Hasbro, who sanctioned the full production." Who is James Wootton? Is this the same person as James Wootton (animator)?

• Yes to the second question.  Added a wikilink to Wootton's article and clarified his role. Pamzeis (talk) 05:25, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

That brings me to Production, which also looks quite long and should probably be trimmed or split off into further sections. Since these are a lot of comments, I will pause here. Please ping when the above are addressed and I will continue. Also, please respond underneath each bullet point, especially if there is further information, as is done at WP:FAC. This will help me keep track of the conversations. Z1720 (talk) 23:16, 19 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you for your comments, Z1720. I have responded to them and adjusted the article accordingly. If there's anything I missed, please let me know! Pamzeis (talk) 09:33, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Some comments above. Additional comments below.

• The second paragraph of "Crew" uses a lot of quotes. Per MOS:QUOTE, articles should not be overused. In all instances in the article, especially with this paragraph, try to summarise the information instead of using the direct quotes.

• I have tried to reduce the quotes

• The Crew section needs more information about what happened after Faust's departure. Who replaced her? What additional crew have joined the show in later seasons? How was the show developed in later seasons, and how is this different/the same from the initial season?

• I've expanded it with what I could find, though I'm not sure if it's sufficient

• " decided to bring more interesting work" What does interesting work mean? Can this be more specific terms?

• Replaced "interesting" with modern

• "All episodes are 22 minutes in length" Unless all episodes are exactly 22 minutes in length, this should probably be changed to "approximately 22 minutes"

•  Done

• "The Hub aired a 50-hour "mare-athon" that featured" I don't think mare-athon is needed, as that is a branding term that doesn't appear in the rest of the article.

• Replaced with normal spelling

• " A two-episode DVD, "Celebration at Canterlot", was offered to Target stores as an exclusive," Did Target accept the offer? Also, when did this happen?

• Reworded

• The Criticism section falls into an "X said Y" pattern. Consult WP:RECEPTION for tips on how to vary the writing.

• I've done my best with this section and have tried my best to follow the guidance at the essay, though I don't think I could do this at the reception section because none of the critics seemed to criticise the same thing.

• "became the highest-rated telecast for the network for girls aged 2–11.[137][132]" Refs need to be in numerical order.

•  Fixed

• There are too many Main articles at the top of Other Media. These wikilinks should be incorporated into the article, if possible, and if there's a wikilink in the article for something, it should be removed from this list (Teacher for a Day, for example)

•  Removed all "main articles" as I believe all are linked.

• The "Fifth generation" sections feels too much like WP:CHRYSTAL, with definitive statements that the fifth generation media will be released in the future. Since this is planned to be released in a few days, I think this section will go through a massive change that will fix many of the CHRYSTAL issues. Please ping when this is rewritten following A New Generation's release.

• I'm not really sure what you mean by this so I left the section as it is...

• The Notes should all be cited

•  Added sources

• Per MOS:FOOTER, the portal bar should be placed further down the article.

•  Fixed

A quick source check: Version reviewed

• Sources need to be consistent: if a book is listed in Bibliography, then all the books used as sources need to be listed there. Same for journal sources

• Hopefully,  Fixed

• What makes Ref 14 and 16 high-quality sources?

•  Removed them

• What makes ref 129 a high-quality source? It seems to be an ad for a conference.

• Ad Age has been cited by CBS News, Automotive News and Fast Company, which in turn has been cited by CNBC and a PhD. NYTimes has also called Ad Age the "largest [publication] in its field".

• Publishers should only be wikilinked in their first instance to prevent WP:OVERLINK

• I do not understand what you mean by this. Are you suggesting that these publications are so well known that readers will already be familiar with them? If so, I disagree as I myself was unfamiliar with at least half of the publishers listed here. Even if readers are familiar with these well-known publications (e.g. The New York Times), I believe linking would still be beneficial. Per MOS:REFLINK, citations stand alone so there is no problem with repeating them many times.

• Whoops, should have wikilinked to MOS:REPEATLINK, but you found it on your own. I am concerned that the citations will become a wall of blue text, making it difficult for a reader to know what exactly is being linked. I'll leave it to you to decide if you want to keep a wikilink to every publication. Z1720 (talk) 01:45, 25 September 2021 (UTC)

• Dashes in ISBNs need to be consistent: The bibliography sources use more dashes than the ones currently use in References

• I think this has been  Fixed

• Per MOS:BIB, bibliography is discouraged. Maybe change to Works Cited

•  Done

• Suggest adding "Citations" level three heading above the numbered references.

•  Done

Please ping when complete for another look. Z1720 (talk) 02:48, 22 September 2021 (UTC)

Hi, Z1720. I've responded to the above. Thanks. Pamzeis (talk) 08:56, 3 October 2021 (UTC)

More comments:

• "she left the series during season 2." -> she left the series during the second season, to avoid MOS:NUMBER problems.
  •  Done
• " to a larger demographic", the network" -> to a larger demographic, with the network
  • Split the sentence per my above comment
• "as cartoons for girls were considered unsuccessful." Who considered them unsuccessful?
  • Clarified
• "Faust drew concept sketches, several of which appeared on her DeviantArt page, entitled fyre-fly, including ideas from how she envisioned the ponies of the original series..." This sentence is too long. Perhaps: "Faust drew concept sketches, several of which appeared on her DeviantArt page, entitled fyre-fly. These included ideas from how she envisioned the ponies of the original series..."
  •  Done
• "After being asked to submit for Friendship Is Magic, composed William Anderson presented a blind audition to Hasbro." Is composed supposed to be composer?
  • Yeah,  Fixed
• "Later, an eighth season was broadcast from March 24, 2018, to October 6, 2018." Delete later as redundant.
  •  Done
• "Friendship Is Magic was added to Netflix on April 1, 2012." The region that the show was added into should be specified, as Netflix will have the rights to some shows in one region, but not the others.
  •  Added that it was in the US
• The Critical reception section is too large, with too many short paragraphs. Some of these paragraphs should be merged, while other sections might need to be cut. Also, the last paragraph on critiques should be integrated into the rest of the section instead of having lots of paragraphs organised by themes, then one paragraph containing only criticism. In my opinion, this section should be about four paragraphs. WP:CRS might help if you haven't read it already.
  • I've cut and merged it down to four paragraphs. Hopefully, it's sufficient. Pamzeis (talk) 09:35, 6 October 2021 (UTC)
• "on more slice-of-life stories." What is a slice-of-life story? Consider rephrasing.
  • Revised
• "The feature film was released on Netflix and will be followed by a sequel television series, will be released on Netflix." -> a sequel television series, which will be released on Netflix.
  •  Done

Those are my follow-up comments. Z1720 (talk) 18:43, 3 October 2021 (UTC)