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Wikipedia:Peer review/Maraba Coffee/archive1

< Wikipedia:Peer review‎ | Maraba Coffee

Maraba Coffee edit

I am the author of this article, and am interested in eventually getting it to Featured status. Any pointers on things to be improved gratefully received! This is my first time at Peer Review. Cheers, — SteveRwanda 12:32, 27 June 2006 (UTC)[reply]

  • It can be improved by reducing links to solitary years. A monobook tool allows this to be done with one click on a 'dates' tab in edit mode. You can then accept or reject the changes offered and/or do more editing before pressing 'Save'. Simply copy the entire contents of User:Bobblewik/monobook.js to your own monobook. Then follow the instructions in your monobook to clear the cache (i.e. press Ctrl-Shift-R in Firefox, or Ctrl-F5 in IE) before it will work. Hope that helps. bobblewik 19:30, 28 June 2006 (UTC)[reply]
  • I'll try to give it a more thorough looking over later, but shouldn't the "Coffee Beer" section be under "History", rather than tacked onto the end? - BT 20:33, 28 June 2006 (UTC)[reply]
    • Maybe you're right. I wasn't too sure about that when I wrote it. I put it into a separate section since it seemed like a notable feature of the product in its own right, plus the article was threatening to be all history and nothing else. I'll put it into history if you think that's better though. — SteveRwanda 09:12, 29 June 2006 (UTC)[reply]
OK, here's the promised review in terse form. The summary is "quantify, define and tighten". You may adopt the points below as you see fit:
  1. In the lead, is "ethical company" a defined term or is this your opinion of them? If the latter, please reword.
    • The term came from one of the sources I used as references, but I don't think it's a defined term so I've removed it. SteveRwanda 13:16, 2 July 2006 (UTC)[reply]
  2. Also, there should not be any redlinks in the main body of the text, and especially not the lead.
  3. "vastly improved the lives of growers" is fuzzy. All the effects you describe seem to be economic, as opposed to emotional or spiritual, so numbers on increase in, preferably, per capita income would be useful.
  4. In the History section, please spell out acronyms on first use, e.g. UNR and link as appropriate
  5. Some continuity issues within History in the way that the discrete events are not presented in context of each other - did Community only make one purchase? If so, why did they not create a relationship?
  6. On a similar vein, I would think that two subsections under history "International Acceptance" and "Independence", with Coffee Beer being folded into Independence, would be a logical way to present the development of the cooperative, as well as getting rid of two entries in the TOC.
  7. What does calcium carbonate do for coffee? Calcium carbonate doesn't seem to say.
  8. You have an orphaned ref at the end of the International Acceptance section.
  9. I find sentences like "Maraba coffee continues to thrive, with more interest being generated" almost meaningless and verging on a peacock sentence. Quantification of increased production and market penetration, or projections thereof, would be much preferable.
  10. Is it a popular brand in Rwanda? How much of the market does it take up? Is it exported regionally or only to the UK?
  11. How much of Production cycle is general and how much is specific to Maraba? Detailed processes that are general should be in the general coffee processing article, while those that are unusual in the context of cooperatives or Rwandan coffee growers should be highlighted.
  12. The wording is loose in places, in particular in the use of passive voice. For example, "The cherries are picked by hand by the farmers on a daily basis, and carried in traditional baskets made from banana leaves to the washing station." vs "Every day farmers pick the cherries by hand and carry them to the washing station in traditional baskets woven from banana leaves." Please do a scan to seek and destroy passive voice, as well as the use of unnecessary adjectives or subjective language, e.g. "...after working hard tending the bushes all day" vs "...after tending the bushes all day". - BT 14:51, 29 June 2006 (UTC)[reply]
  • The lead section has been expanded to three paragraphs as per the automated advice and WP:LEAD. It may need some more tinkering but is intended as a 3 paragraph summary of everything in the article. — SteveRwanda 14:35, 2 July 2006 (UTC)[reply]
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