Lost Luggage (video game) edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I intend to nominate this article for FAC after my current one is promoted (hopefully). So I'd like people to pick at it before I do so.
Thanks, Taylor Trescott - my talk + my edits 22:00, 30 June 2014 (UTC)
Alright, a solid little article about a silly little game. Some random comments as they come to me.
- "enabling this mode will cause black suitcases to appear.[3][2]" - change it to [2][3]
- Done
- Luggage carousel and Dallas, Texas are redirecting
- Done
- The Games by Apollo article says that they were based in Richardson, a Dallas suburb town, not Dallas.
- You're right. Handled
- "After, Salvo presented artist Ernie Runyon" - "later" or "afterwards"
- Done, used "afterwards"
- "Runyon was a new hire at Apollo, having joined the company in March 1982" - you haven't said outside the lead that these development things took place in September 1982 (and was it? You said it took a month to make and came out in September 1982, but was there a gap between finishing the game and when it was on shelves? I know a lot of Atari games had a large gap for production.)
- There were no sources indicating when the development period, so I just deleted this sentence. I also re-arranged the lead; didn't mean for that sentence to indicate development was also in September.
- "The crew of Apollo brainstormed titles[...] with Runyon remembering one of the proposed titles was "Airport Mayhem"" - tense problem, he wasn't remembering it at the time, he remembered it later.
- Yep. Got it.
- "He stated he would have liked to have included a luggage train" - either "He has stated" or say when or where he stated it
- Got it.
- "in the 4K cartridge" -link or define what 4K is in this context
- Kilobyte. Done.
- "Salvo programmed the game" - you said Runyon programmed the game not two sentences ago
- Salvo helped him program it. Changed.
- "joystick movements which took one week to fix" - comma before which
- Done
- " were done by Larry Minor" - done is an odd, casual word to use there- try "created"
- Switched.
- "Upon release, there were negative reviews" - oddly passive, try "The game received negative reviews upon release" or something like it
- Done.
- Link Kaboom! (video game) the first time it's used in reception, not the second
- Done. This was a leftover from when I switched the reviews to have contemporary ones first.
- Link Eggomania
- Linked.
- Why do you redlink TV Gamer in the references but not Electronic Gaming or Digital Press or Atari HQ?
- Unlinked TV Gamer.
- Capitalize Allgame in the references
- Done.
- Consider archiving your online references with a site like archive.org or webcitation.org so that changes/removals of content don't wreck your citations.
- I'll see about this. I checked and Archive.org has copies of all the references, so I think I'll be fine, but I might make webcitation copies just in case
- --PresN 19:27, 1 July 2014 (UTC)
- Thanks PresN. I got these. Taylor Trescott - my talk + my edits 20:06, 1 July 2014 (UTC)
- Cool. Just saw that you nominated two more Games by Apollo games for GAN- are you planning on building out a Good Topic on their whole catalog? --PresN 22:35, 2 July 2014 (UTC)
- I'm gonna try. I don't know if there'll be enough material for some of them, though. Taylor Trescott - my talk + my edits 22:38, 2 July 2014 (UTC)