Kenneth Dewar edit
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to see it up to FA standard, however I just cannot make it any simpler, therefore a good copyedit is perhaps in order. I've been waiting for months for a copyedit and have yet to find a willing volunteer.
Thanks, Harlsbottom (talk) 08:24, 2 July 2008 (UTC)
Ruhrfisch comments: Very briefly, here are some suggestions for improvement. If you want more comments, please ask here.
- I think it looks very good overall, although a few things struck me as I read it. The lead should be at least three paragraphs per WP:LEAD.
- If his birth date is not known, these might be hard to find too, but I think the place of his birth should be mentioned, his mother's name would help, and some idea of his place in his family too (was he older than his brothers or younger, how many siblings did he have).
- Sentence fragment From July 21, 1903, Lieutenant and Commander of the Chatham-based destroyer Mermaid.
- Awkward sentence and I think there should be explicit mention previously in the article of his contacts with the Japanese navy: In the same year, he was asked to lecture on the Imperial Japanese Navy, which he had previously had experience of, at the Royal Naval War College at Portsmouth.
- Per WP:QUOTE, this should not be a pull quote and is probably too short to be a block quote (four lines minimum): In light of later events, the opposition aroused by my proposals may seem extraordinary, but they marked [in his opinion] a complete break with tradition and were far from obvious at the time.[21]
- Provide context for the reader - not everyone will know in the First World War section that war broke out in August 1914 and I do not know when the Dardanelles Campaign was exactly - see WP:PCR
- Ditto with the end of the war and whatever it was he did at the Peace Conference, refered to only obliquely here On October 17, 1919 he was appointed Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE) "for valuable services at the Peace Conference, Paris."[30] I'll stop here for now.
- You might want to ask at WP:PRV for a copy edit. User:Jackyd101 has written a number of FAs on naval history (although of an earlier time) and would probably be better suited to evaluate the naval aspects of this article.
Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 03:19, 9 July 2008 (UTC)
- Thanks for the comments. Unfortunately with Dewar there is so little information actually available without delving into what would be called original research. I've checked all my local libraries and the internet and can't find a copy of his memoirs. For example that was the result of oblique references in a couple of texts, which didn't actually refer to when he was there. Nothing mentions his mother at all. His family is a mystery as Dewar himself was the only one of his naval brothers to get a proper obituary.
- Re:Context, I will deal with that straight away. I'll deal with the other points you've raised and then reach out to Jackyd101. Will see if I can help with the backlog any. Cheers! --Harlsbottom (talk | library) 07:46, 9 July 2008 (UTC)
- In the US we have Interlibrary loan (ILL) - would it be possible to borrow his memoirs through your local library via ILL? Ruhrfisch ><>°° 16:08, 13 July 2008 (UTC)
Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)
- You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC. The sourcing looks good.
- Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 13:32, 20 July 2008 (UTC)
As always, thanks for the comments! Ruhrfisch, I take your point about ILL, however I'm quite simply too busy to borrow books, and I'm in enough do-do with the British Library lending service as it is. At the moment I'm in the States for six weeks so borrowing is somewhat impractical. At any rate, it just so happens I've found a raft of articles and correspondence written by the subject which I was perusing just as I saw this pop up on my watchlist. More work to be done! Regards, --Harlsbottom (talk | library) 14:16, 20 July 2008 (UTC)