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Wikipedia:Peer review/Karmichael Hunt/archive3

< Wikipedia:Peer review‎ | Karmichael Hunt

Karmichael Hunt edit

Previous Peer Review: Archive 1
Previous Peer Review: Archive 2

I have done alot to this article, and although the second peer review was only day's ago, the article has had alot added to it to improve the "comprehensive" of it. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Featured Article Criteria edit

Karmichael Hunt Compared To Featured Article Criteria

Here's my rundown to compare the article against the criteria

  • 1 (a)  N
    • Prose, definetaly definitely a problem, but with some good copyedits, should hopefully be fixed. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Aggressive spelling fix by — BQZip01 — talk 22:44, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 1 (b)  Y
    • Comprehensive, not an issue, the article has important information, where it counts. It is (currently) 38KB so, considering the article in question still isn't half way through his career, there needs to be more information still. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 1 (c)  Y
    • Factually acuurate, shouldn't be an issue, most sentences/statements are propely sourced and cited. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 1 (d)  Y
    • Stable, it is stable, it hasn't been changed very recently, there are no edit wars or constant changing to the article. The article was changed dramataccaly on 3 May, 2007 but this was asked by a reviewer in peer review one. It may be considered that a player who is still in his career to be unstable, but there are other FA's that are current players (eg Adam Gilchrist, Paul Collingwood (they are cricketers)). SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 1 (e)  Y
    • Neutral, should be, in all the peer reviews perviously, it hasn't been raised at all. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 2 (a)  Y N
    • Lead, is the correct length for the article that size, may need another sentence to each paragraph or a new paragraph but, if thats needed, please say so. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 2 (b)  Y N
    • Headings, should be all correct, emphasising major parts of his career. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 2 (c)  Y N
    • Table of Contents, bit unsure on this, but it is substantial, but not overwhelming especially for article this size. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 3  Y
    • A big problem, the current image isn't really covered by fair use, and this article needs an image so... SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • 4  Y
    • Length, it is a good size for a player. You have to consider Karmichael Hunt is only 20 years old, so more information is going to be added, over the years. SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks (in advance) for reviewing, I'm hoping to nominate Karmichael Hunt for FAC after this review, and when i get a free image, so please be critical, thanks SpecialWindler 09:44, 7 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

I'm hoping for 5 or so reviews, so I can get rid of any bugs. SpecialWindler 01:41, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Can it become a FA, currently? SpecialWindler 01:41, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Merzbow edit

Don't really have time for a full review, but if the rest of the article is as well-written as the lead, you have no prose issues to worry about. I would suggest finding a sports-oriented Wikiproject and asking sports people for a peer review, I know nothing about the subject and can't comment on comprehensiveness. My gut feeling is that you're close to FA status. - Merzbow 03:28, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Reply, OK, thanks for the comments SpecialWindler 03:43, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Comment by Jayron32 edit

Please don't remove others comments from pages, it is rude. I had merely asked why the prior Peer Review was archived so quickly. I received no reply to this, and instead my question was removed from this page. This dif: [1] shows that my comments were removed. I still want an answer to my question, right here. Why was the prior peer review, which was active and still being commented on, removed from this page? Go ahead and reply right here under me. --Jayron32|talk|contribs 04:32, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

That is a good question... Special, it's not good to archive an ongoing peer review and immediately relist. By doing so it gives the impression that the article has not been looked at recently when it fact it has. This is not fair to other articles on Peer Review that have been languishing for weeks without a comment. - Merzbow 04:44, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
I felt, that the peer review was finished. I then over a few days tried to change the article to somewhate resemble a more "comprehensive article" (Article on 4 June 07 compared to now), and I only re-opened a new one was because the article was significantly different. (PS. I'd never remove content of Wikipedia, as my edit summary says - moved info to Archive 2).SpecialWindler 06:10, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Sorry if my decisions, don't resemble the overall thoughts of Wikipedians, I am learning. Sorry if anything I have done has upset anybody.SpecialWindler 06:10, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
In response to the unfair claim, I quick peer reviewed three article on the peer review to help the backlog. SpecialWindler 11:09, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
No harm, no foul It appears you meant nothing wrong by it. In the future, only archive discussions that are stale (>1 month for peer review is about industry standard). But anyways, here is my review of the article in its latest state:
  • The article's depth and bredth of coverage is MUCH better. It looks far more comprehensive now.
Thanks SpecialWindler talk 04:57, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • The lead uses some unencyclopedic language "Blazing start" "poor showing" "Super star". Try to use a more neutral tone here. Though short, I can't really find anything needed to expand the lead, so I would say it is adequate otherwise.
  Done reworded it a bit
  • The picture "Image:Karmichael Hunt training.jpg" is still a problem. With no source and no other information, the image's fair use status is inadequate. In addition, the copyright tag already notes "where the image is unrepeatable, i.e. a free image could not be created to replace it". I hate to say it, and I mentioned it in the last review, the image is easily repeatable. Anyone with a camera who attended one of his games could take a picture of him running with a rugby ball. Thus, it doesn't appear that fair use even qualifies. On a better note, the infobox picture is great; looks like it's only been in the article a few hours, but it is nice to see a free image of him. Not sure the article needs more than the one.
  Done The picture was always going to be removed, but I kept it there until a free one got there, I only notice just know the new picture, so..., I would like more pictures of him in a broncos/queensland/australia jersey, but thats for the future.
  • Consider reading WP:MOSNUM, especially the section on currency. $ is an ambiguous symbol, since several currencies use it (some not even called "dollars") and being an international endeavour, the guideline notes "In country-specific articles such as Economy of Australia use only the symbol specific to the country, in this case $, with an italicized note placed at the top of the article to make this clear."
  Done and   Not done, Per WP:MoS, it should be based on the country it is in. Therefore Australia. This applies for measurements (see template), but for money, because it could be unclear between New Zealand and Australia, thanks for the advice. SpecialWindler talk 04:57, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • Consider nominating the article for copyedit help at The League of Copyeditors, or go through the leagues membership list and ask someone specific for help. The article could probably use some work in that regard.
  Done (not copyediting, but LOCE, It has a copyedit sign, but I may do what you ask.
Hope these comments are of some help.--Jayron32|talk|contribs 03:56, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
I read BQZ's review below, and I concur with him on the career statistics tables. The career statistics section can be condensed into a single table. You can use the "colspan" function to extend a header across several columns (or indeed, all of them) and create sub-headings within a table. Thus each separate table, which is now separated by a section heading, could be condensed to part of a single table. It would create much less white space within the article, and would improve this section some. See New England Patriots seasons for an article with a table that uses colspan or see Help:Tables for a complete help guide to working with tables.--Jayron32|talk|contribs 05:57, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Tables look much better. Still need some tweaking. I don't have much time now (just answering a few messages in a free 5 minutes), but I might take a swipe at a few minor fixes. It does look much better, but I might play around with it. Specifically, there may be a better way to combine the two sets of Broncos data. Overall though, the stats tables are much better in this form, IMHO. --Jayron32|talk|contribs 22:56, 12 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
On second thought, strike that. The tables look just fine the way that they are. The copyrighted pic has to go still, though.--Jayron32|talk|contribs 22:58, 12 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

BQZip01 edit

I'm going to tackle this article section by section, saving as I complete each review. I recommend a thorough review of WP:MoS, in addition to the FA criteria, to make sure it complies. This will be a thorough review, but may not be considered ready for FA status, as the FA review can, and should, be much more comprehensive. Let the merciless hatchet-job begin...

At a glance

  • The article appears choppy with lots of short sentences. Try to merge these short sentences with the previous or following sentences.
  Doing...
  • Not enough pictures. Try to get a few from free sites that prominently list copyrights or get your own. Suggestions for pictures: the stadium in which he plays, cities in which he plays, logos of events (i.e. international competition logos...but make sure to state why they should be considered fair use), team logo, etc. In addition, under fair use, you may use copyrighted images as long as there is no suitable alternative, but fair use must be justified. Note this does not apply to living persons.
  Done
  • References don't need to be in that scrolling box. Quite frankly, they are hard to access. Just put them at the bottom like every other article. References should also be italicized if a publication, i.e. The New York Times. Please review and correct accordingly.
  Done
  • Considerable problems with "Broncos" and "Broncos'". Make sure usage is appropriate. Other similar problems with possessive forms and plural forms of words. Too numerous to check. A good rule of thumb is that if a noun follows another noun, it is possessive. If it is not followed by a noun, then it is plural.
  Doing...

Intro

As stated in WP:MoS, the subject should be bolded in the first sentence
  Done
Wikify his date of birth in the intro. Repeat the information with his parents and where he was born since the intro should contain items that are discussed in-depth later in the article. As such, they should not require references except in wierd circumstances. In addition, the born date should have the location too, just the date IAW WP:MOSBIO.
  Done
Shouldn't need references in the intro: see above.
  Done
The first two sentences are choppy; combine them: "Karmichael Hunt is a professional rugby league footballer who plays for the Brisbane Broncos in the National Rugby League (NRL)."
  Done
Improper referencing throughout the article. You do not need the same reference over and over for sequential sentences, only at the end of paragraphs:
Example: Instead of Blah blah blah.[2] Blah blah blah.[2] Blah blah blah.[2] put Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah.[2]
  Doing...
Check this throughout the article. — BQZip01 — talk 02:31, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Be wary of using passive voice throughout the article (common problem). Try to use active voice: Instead of "His preferred position in the team is at fullback but he has also played at wing and at halfback." try " He prefers to play fullback, but also occasionally plays wing and halfback."
  Done
Watch the wordiness (see previous example). Don't use 50 words when 5 will do.
not done I don't really get what you mean SpecialWindler 23:48, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Example: "Hunt played rugby union at ACGS and he was a dominant figure in the school's rugby union team
  DoneHopefully QUEENSLANDER SpecialWindler 11:53, 12 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Again passive voice: "He has represented Queensland in the interstate State of Origin competition on two occasions and as an Australian test international on seven occasions."
Consider reducing this sentence down a bit: "He twice represented Queensland in the State of Origin and seven times as an Australian test international."
  Done
Remove "was born in New Zealand" as redundant information, if you opt to keep the original intro. If not, remove the passive voice in the segment.
  Done
Rephrase second paragraph to read: "Hunt moved to Australia from New Zealand when he was eleven years old and played his junior rugby league years in the Queensland Rugby League. In 2004, he made his NRL debut and became the 2004 the Dally M rookie of the year. After his blazing start in 2004, but a poor showing in 2005, the super-star became a was selected for the representative teams for Queensland and Australia in 2006 and performed amazingly in the Broncos' premiership winning team."
  Done reworded a little SpecialWindler 23:48, 9 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Check apostrophe usage throughout the article: "The Broncos' star player..." is correct. "The star player for the Broncos'..." isn't (the former is possessive and the latter is not).
  Doing...
The first two paragraphs aren't very long. Consider merging.
not done I might not do this, but rather expand.
Expansion would be fine — BQZip01 — talk 02:11, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  Done

Biography: Early life

I would mention his parents in the first sentence (more of a chronological flow)
  Done
Put all references at the end of the sentence, not in the middle. This will make the sentences flow a little better.
  Done
  Doing... for rest of article SpecialWindler talk 03:07, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"Hunt grew up with the fantasy to play basketball in the USA, with his hero being Michael Jordan." should be better phrased; it's awkward as it is.
  Done I think so
You may want to wikilink "junior football" to "rugby," "soccer," or "American football."
not done I don't think it needs to be done SpecialWindler talk 03:07, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
The whole first paragraph seems to be a list of facts in short, choppy sentences. Please rephrase.
  Doing...
"In 2000, at the age of thirteen..." Remove "at the age of thirteen." It is redundant.
  Done
"...made his representative debut for with the Under 14's..."
  Done
"where he played fullback." rephrase to "as fullback" and include earlier in the sentence.
  Done didn't think it needed to br put earlier in the sentence though. SpecialWindler talk 03:07, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"In 2001, Hunt was a part of the Under 15's Australian merit side." too short, not descrtiptive enough. Rephrase & expand.
Not done there not really much info around this, but I'll try.
  Done added a little more though.
"Hunt's manager David Riolo asked the 15 year old, what he wanted to do in his future, Hunt wrote that he wanted to play first grade in his rookie season."
  1. he asked...and Hunt wrote? I assume there is a letter involved here? It is awkward phrasing. Try using "inquired" and "responded." It adds some ambiguity, but makes the sentences flow better.
  Done
  1. "first grade" is awkward. In the United States, that is a grade school class year. Maybe link to what this means.
Not done theres no link I can find but it means the top lever of league, the top grade or more commonly known "first grade"
  Done, added a quick statement of what it was SpecialWindler talk 03:12, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
No reference and needs one: "It is unknown if Hunt took the Broncos' scholarship. Hunt attended ACGS in East Brisbane from 2002-2003."
Not done I know he was offered a scholorship by the Broncos, but I can'r find whether he took or not. The second sentence has been removed, (its in the next para) anyway
  Done I found a source SpecialWindler talk 03:42, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"...Hunt won received a scholarship to go to the Anglican Church Grammar School (ACGS)."
  Done
"whilst playing at fullback for ACGS, being arguably the premier player ..." P.S. good use of the word whilst...not sure I've seen it used in wikipedia...
  Done
"Hunt played for Queensland schoolboys against Queensland and won 39-33" Kind of lost me there. He played for Queensland against Queensland? This may be a bit of a cultural issue here and I guess you have to consider your audience. As an American, we would say, "John Kimbrough played for the Texas A&M Aggies against Texas where they won 56-13." I guess I don't understand the difference in the teams. In addition, there is a bit of a subtle difference in my version: "where they won" not just "and won." By not specifying it was the team, the verb is attached to Hunt, and not the team or school. If he personally won (like a race or through some point system of which I am unaware), please make that more clear. If not clarify the school situation and add "they."
  DoneI don't know how that happened but it was supposed to be New South Wales.SpecialWindler talk 07:36, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"He, along with and Anton LaVin, won the Bob Templeton Trophy for being as Queensland's leading schoolboy players."
  Done
Kind of a pet peeve of mine (not official, but it really looks nice, IMHO), but references should be in numerical order. Blah[12][8] should be Blah[8][12]
not done I may do that but a few more important issues to get done first SpecialWindler talk 07:36, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"Young is said to have offered Hunt about AU$80,000 to lure him to the Wollongong-based Dragons." note the added dash as well.
not done this statement is speculation based on a reliable source, though ...
Repsectfully, then it doesn't belong on Wikipedia. As it says right below this text box, "Encyclopedic content must be verifiable" — BQZip01 — talk 20:22, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  Done, rereading the source, it can be worded as you said. SpecialWindler talk 21:27, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Biography: 2004 Try not to use numbers to start titles of sections. There are a few programs out there that help editors view FA candidates, but they do not work with numbers as headings. Maybe use "Beginning of professional life" or something like that. I also don't like the title "Biography." IMHO, it's like naming a section "Encyclopedia entry." Sure, it is, but is it necessary?

not done Does this really, need to be done? SpecialWindler talk 07:36, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
What is IMHO SpecialWindler talk 07:36, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
IMHO: In my humble opinion (sorry, couldn't resist the links. Thought you might get a kick out of them.)
"Hunt was taken by joined the Broncos at the end of 2003, and was part of the participated in the team's off-season training in 2004." I assume he wasn't stolen or dragged out of his house kicking and screaming? If he was drafted or selected, fine, but it is irrelevant. Use an affirmative verb and don't be passive.
  Done This is where an outsider's opinion comes in because I wouldn't have picked that up, it's not what was meant to be. Thanks SpecialWindler talk 07:36, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Work on sentence variation. The first 7 of 8 sentences start with "He" or "Hunt," as do many others. Variety is the spice of life.
  Doing... Do you have any suggestions? SpecialWindler talk 07:36, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Sure. Re-order the sentences or maybe start it with something that doesn't directly refer to Hunt like, "The footballer" or "The star fullback."
"He described Bennett and Broncos' team mate Darren Lockyer as the biggest influences on his league career." Good info, but needs to be placed elsewhere or rephrased. It is awkward and interrupts the flow of the accomplishments.
  Done moved to next paragraph
"He was originally picked on the replacement bench for this game.[22] Bennett moved him to start at fullback leaving named starter Motu Tony on the bench for his debut." Rephrase to remove ambiguity in the use of pronouns: "Originally picked for the replacement bench for the opener, Coach Bennett debuted him as the starting fullback, leaving the named starter, Motu Tony, on the bench.[20][22]"
  Done
"Hunt's selection was a success and he played every game in 2004 for the Broncos' where he was the Bronco's top try-scorer for 2004." removed the excess "and" & rephrased.
  Done
"He was occasionally criticised for the style in which he returned the football. He often was targeted by opposing players due to this, and resulted in then team captain Gorden Tallis and Bennett asking the NRL to protect Hunt with more penalties." First sentence is too short and not descriptive enough. Why was he criticised? Was he exposed? Did he carry the ball loosely? or what? This description will make the second sentence mean a lot more.
  Done
"...referee board, backed the protection asked by the Broncos', stating that fullbacks, including Hunt, needed to be protected due to greater risk of injury." Don't go comma crazy. :-)
  Done
superstar is one word or hyphenated as super-star...just be consistent.
  Done
"were calling" called
  Done
season long should be hyphenated: season-long
  Done
"...Hunt, to relieve pressure off him of the intense media pressure."
  Done
"Tallis marked Hunt as a superstar of the game and as the Broncos' next star."
  Done
"...series, and he was strongly..."
  Done
"But Hunt was overlooked for the entire series by and Penrith Panthers fullback Rhys Wesser played instead"
  Done
His excellent playing form throughout the year won him the Brisbane Broncos club and Dally M. rookie of the year awards. The Broncos' as a club made it to the finals but were knocked out of the NRL competition in the semi-finals." Uh, if they made it to the finals, how were they knocked out in the semifinals? Doesn't seem to add up. Please make more clear.
  Done made clearer SpecialWindler talk 07:36, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"Hunt was a possibility for the Australian squad for the 2004 Tri-Nations, but Bennett, who was also the coach of Australia, decided not to select him due to him being in his debut season and possibly too inexperienced for international representation."
  Done

Biography: 2005 <--perhaps combine with 2004 under the title "The early years?"

"At the end of 2004, Hunt re-signed with the Broncos' for an additional two years until the end of 2006, and, at the time, intended to stay at the club for the rest of his career."
  Done
"Coach Bennett advised Hunt was given some advice by coach Bennett to be a teenanger in the off season, so that it didn't affect his second year in first grade rugby league."
  Done I think so SpecialWindler talk 07:36, 10 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"Hunt didn't perform as well in his second season than in his first, some labelling it labeled derisively in the media as "Karmichael's second-year syndrome"."
  Done
"Hunt didn't score as near as many tries, or had as many kick returns. H, however, Hunt still played at his favourite position of fullback, his favourite position, for the entire year.
  Done
"...and became good friends with Hunt. [43]" Delete space between period and citation
  Done
"As a result of that tackle, Hunt missed his first NRL game since his debut in 2004, the following week later."
  Done

Biography: 2006

  • "During the off season, prior to the 2006 season..." awkward. rephrase
  Done
  • "...Hunt was groomed to be a key playmaker in the halves to ease the pressure of Lockyer and then halfback Brett Seymour." Again passive voice. Eliminate "was" in some manner.
  Done I think so SpecialWindler talk 01:23, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Nope, but I fixed it myself to show you what I mean. In short, avoid using "was", "were", "are + an -ing word." — BQZip01 — talk 18:12, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
"A move from fullback to halfback, was backed by former club halfback Allan Langer." Shorten and incorporate into previous sentence.
  Done
  • "There was speculation that Hunt wanted to change his mind about his alligence to Australia,[51] but Hunt was always going to stay with Australia." Careful about speculation in the future. I'm not saying he's not loyal, but the sentence is very difinitive on the matter
  Not done and   Done I changed it a bit, but I don't know if it's any better? SpecialWindler talk 01:23, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
fixed passive voice (see note about passive voice above) myself to show you what I mean exactly. — BQZip01 — talk 18:28, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Hunt started the 2006 season well, and his good form paid off,[52] when he was selected to replace the injured Anthony Minichello in the Australian team to play New Zealand at Suncorp Stadium on 5 May,[53] being selected controversially over the in-form Matt Bowen." Horrific run-on sentence. Split into at least 2 sentences. Watch comma usage. You do not need a comma with "and" unless there is a list of things.
  Done Reworded a little. SpecialWindler talk 01:23, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Still needs work. You don't need a comma before "when." The sentence still drags on. Perhaps split it? Again with the passive voice: instead of "he was selected" try "Coach XXX selected him." Do you see the difference? — BQZip01 — talk 18:32, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • "That game was Hunt's representative and international debut, and Hunt didn't perform badly, only making one error and making 83 metres in kick returns. However, but he didn't complete the game due to a concussion sustained by a blow from Frank Pritchard. Unconscious, he was taken from the field and played no further part in the match, which Australia won 50-12."
  Done
  • "In his state of origin debut..." capitalize State of Origin?
  Done
  • "and he was replaced by Canberra Raiders fullback Clinton Schifcofske." passive voice there. rephrase to "and Canberra Raiders fullback...replaced him."
  Done
  • "Hunt sustained an additionalfoot injury ..."
not done no it's the same injury, but I couldn't find a way to say he was ruled out of State of Origin Three SpecialWindler talk 01:23, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
To put into context, You play three state of origin game but between them there are normal club games. He injured himseld between Games II and three and was out of Game 3. SpecialWindler talk 01:23, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Ok, then combine these two sentences into one sentence at the end of the former paragraph. There is no need to rehash it in two sentences. — BQZip01 — talk 18:40, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  Done
  • Wikify date: 30 July, 2006
  Done
  • "The media, notably Channel 7 and Channel 10, claimed Hunt was the instegator instigator of the incident, the other claiming Hunt squirted water on a woman." The media do something as a whole, not one and the other doing different things. Split into two sentences or rephrase to delete "the media."
  Doing... May take suggestion on the talk page by other users. Talk:Karmichael Hunt SpecialWindler talk 01:23, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • "by-stander" is one word, nonhyphenated.
  Done
  • "Hunt came off contract at the end of 2006, and concern mounted as to whether the Broncos would be able to retain him may not have been able to keep Hunt."
  Done
  • "The Broncos could only offer Hunt about AU$200,000 a season, while other clubs could have offered him AU$300,000.[66] The South Sydney Rabbitohs may have even offered Hunt up to AU$500,000 a season,[67] but on 29 June, Hunt re-signed with the Broncos for a further three years until the end of 2009." Long sentence. Consider splitting. need wiki-date on 29 June and add the year to increase clarity.
not done I will do that, but what year do I need to add? SpecialWindler talk 01:23, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
The date needs a year added to it. I realize it has the year in the title, but if the title changes a few months from now, it will be less clear. In addition, this change is IAW WP:DATE.
  Doing...
  • "During Hunt's absence, Bennett moved Hodges' to fullback and Hodges was impressive in the position, when Hunt came back into the team, he played on the wing." Run-on sentence; fix/split. Unless "Hodges'" is his name, it should not be used unless indicating possession.
  Not done Hodges is completely different person, which Hodges shouldn't be used.
Again, this is a major problem with possessive forms of words throughout the article. Unless you are referring to Alan Jones' dog an apostrophe is not needed for Alan Jones. As a side note, you are making all the errors MANY other people make too. I was an executive officer for a group commander and a wing commander at the time my wife was an English literature teacher. I used to BLEED red ink on papers I helped her grade. When she went over comma and apostrophe usage, the errors tripled. These exact same errors cropped up when I reviewed reports for grammar and punctuation for my commanders. Some people never bother to learn. Here is a great way to remember it, even if it is a little bit vulgar:
  • "I can see some young human males chat" is written "I can see the boys cock"
  • "I can see the penis belonging to a boy" is written "I can see the boy's cock"
  • "I can see a rooster belonging to several young men" is written "I can see the boys' cock"
Try to apply this throughout the article. — BQZip01 — talk 18:52, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Hunt and Hodges continued to switch between the fullback positions for the remainder of the season , which and created confusion for opposing teams due to both players being in good form." How does this create confusion. Good performance doesn't make confusion. Tactical prowess or strategy maybe.
  DoneI feel I changed it and changed it wrong. I think I made it clearer but more confusing at the same time. I feel lost???' SpecialWindler talk 01:23, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
Ok...hmmm...yeah that is much worse. How about:
"Hunt and Hodges (no apostrophe here!!!) switched between the fullback position for the remainder of the season. This constant variation created confusion for opposing teams (no apostrophe here!!!) because of their vastly different styles of play in Broncos' (correct apostrophe here!!!) attacks."
  • In the quote, do not add to the person's comments to clarify. Instead, wikilink words to their intended meaning: "...Webbie and Locky..."
  Done QUEENSLANDER SpecialWindler 11:53, 12 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  • "XXX selected Hunt as was one of eight Broncos' selected for the Tri-Nations series.[72] Despite other contenders for the fullback role,[73] Hunt retained his fullback position for the first Tri-Nations test match on 14 October, 2006." Wikify COMPLETE date.
  Done
  • "The Tri-Nations Tri-Nations' win capped off ..."
  Done

Biography: 2007 and beyond Really awkward title for the section

  • "...maintained that this would be a long term switch. However, due to the Broncos' poor form"
  Done
  • "In Round 11, the Broncos had their biggest-ever victory in the club's history winning 71-6 over Newcastle; , in which Hunt set up 3 three tries and scored one himself."
  Done
  • "...running the ball 18 times and scoring one try in a man-of-the-match performance, which Australia won 30-6.
  Done
  • Hunt was expected to, and was named, fullback for the first State of Origin game for Queensland on May 23, despite other contenders for the role including in form the perfomance of fullbacks Billy Slater and Matt Bowen." wikify date. try not to use the phrase "in form" so much.
  Done
  • "Hunt performed well in the first Origin game, which Queensland won."
  Done
  • "Hunt is signed with the Broncos' until the end of 2009 and has emerged as a possibility as the next Brisbane Broncos Captain after Lockyer, if he stays at the club." remove duplicate info already stated above.
  Done
  • "This plan has the support of current captain Lockyer. Hunt still lives with his parents in Algester.[4]" Two choppy sentences that should be rephrased/expanded/deleted.
  Done and not done, joined the first sentence with the the previous statement, though I don't know what to do with the second sentence, I can't really expand it.
Looks like it has already been fixed. — BQZip01 — talk 19:09, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Statistics

  • Combine and put in one chart. Include information in sentences preceding each current chart within each chart.
Not Done What do you men (do you have an example) SpecialWindler talk 01:36, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  Doing... see Talk:Karmichael Hunt
  • Put a total at the bottom and sum up his career.
  Done

Honours

  • Looks good!

Other

Wikify all dates (don't forget the charts and boxes too!).
Doing what you mean by charts and boxes? SpecialWindler talk 01:36, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
All dates should be wikified, even those in the infobox, charts, references, etc, not just the main text of the article. An easy way to check for these is to do a search in the edit tab for " 19" and "00" (note the space with " 19"). This will catch most, but not necessarily all, of the years and allow you to properly wikilink them. — BQZip01 — talk 19:09, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  Done, it should be, I read the article a few times. QUEENSLANDER SpecialWindler 11:53, 12 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

That's all I acan see for now. I'll answer any questions as they come up. This may NOT include everything, but is a good start. — BQZip01 — talk 00:48, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Awadewit edit

The following has been put here by User:SpecialWindler from the User talk:Awadewit page. For easier access to a review of this article. SpecialWindler talk 07:29, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Here are some specific areas to work on:
  • Many of your sentences are too short. Having a long string of short sentences creates a feeling of unsophisticated writing (whatever the information says). That is just the feeling that the reader gets from it.
  • Many of your sentences are structured similarly so that the article seems repetitive when actually it is not. These sentences usually employ "subject-verb" constructions such as "Hunt played" or "Hunt was." Variety in sentence construction is always good.
  • It is not always clear why the article is moving from one topic to another. Paragraphs do not always have one coherent idea that is stated at the outset; sentences do not lead into each other. Sometimes the article reads like a series of facts. You might want to think about the article as a "story" that you are trying to tell - what is its overarching structure? That way you can write towards events in Hunt's life and career. It will give the article direction - the reader will know why s/he is reading about particular events because you will be contextualizing it as you go along. Does that make sense? It is quite abstract, I know.
  • There are also smaller issues such as diction - you often use colloquial language (ex: contractions, slang and informal words such as "biggest" in "biggest influences.") Awadewit | talk 05:09, 11 June 2007 (UTC)[reply]
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