Wikipedia:Peer review/Joel Selwood/archive3
Joel Selwood edit
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2009.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I intend to help take this article to FAC.
Thanks, Aaroncrick(Tassie Boy talk) 23:34, 26 June 2009 (UTC)
Brianboulton comments
An interesting article. I have been through the lead and Early life sections, and have identified numerous mainly minor points that need attention. I think it would save time if the rest of the article was copyedited before being reviewed. I am happy to do this copyedit over the next day or two, if you are agreeable (if you'd rather someone with more knowledge of Rules football did it, I won't be offended!) Anyway, here are my comments thus far:-
- Lead
"A midfielder at 1.82 metres (6 ft 0 in) and 86 kilograms (190 lb)..." His height and weight are independent from his being a midfielder, so I would rephrase: "A midfielder, 1.82 metres (6 ft 0 in) tall and weighing 86 kilograms (190 lb),...""As" not required at start of second paragraph. I would also delete "from Bendigo", as this has no bearing on his athletic or footballing abilities. Suggested rephrase: "A standout junior track and field athlete and footballer, Selwood entered..."- Awkward phrasing: "Selwood was selected with Geelong's first selection," - I don't know enough about the sport to suggest a rewording, but the repetition jars.
"...awarded the Michael Tuck Medal during Geelong's 2009 NAB Cup victory" - he was awarded a medal during the match? Or am I misunderstanding?"Selwood currently holds the highest winning percentage record of any player in VFL/AFL history, a period during which he has helped the club reach successive AFL Grand Finals." What does "a period during which" refer to in this sentence?
- Early life
Third sentence: "while" should be "and"
Does it matter there's already "and" earlier in the sentence? Aaroncrick(Tassie Boy talk) 06:59, 9 July 2009 (UTC)
The next sentence doesn't need to begin with "However". Also, 2-year-old" should be "two-year-old". (MOS)- "
...in one year" - why not give the year? (MOS) "record at" rather "record of"?"eight years old" not "8-years old"""...he had played his first competitive game of football, against children four years his senior, and proceeded to kick three goals as a half forward." There is a disjunction of tenses with "he had played" and "proceeded to kick". Suggest rephrase: "he had played his first competitive game of football, against children four years his senior, and had kicked three goals as a half forward""until he was chosen to play for the Bendigo Pioneers in the TAC Cup competition at age 17." It would help if you gave the year or season in which this happened, particulaly as you say later "during the year".""under-18s", not "under 18s""recognised by the AFL Player's Association early," better as "recognised early by the AFL Player's Association,""However, a knee injury caused only six rounds into the competition..." - "caused" is the wrong word here. Suggest "However, a knee injury, incurred only six rounds into the competition..."
Let me know what you decide. As I can't watch all my peer reviews, a note on my talkpage is the quickest way of getting my intention. Brianboulton (talk) 22:54, 8 July 2009 (UTC)
Later: can you look at the following points, arising from my copyediting:-
It would help non-Rules people, e.g. me, if you could explain the significance of some of the trophies you mention. Examples: the Brownlow Medal, the Norm Smith Medal, the Carji Greeves Medal."- In the 2009 section you refer to the "player adjudged best afield". Is there a way in which this can be made more generally comprehensible?
In the 2009 section you say: "During the season, Selwood made his 50th senior appearance and set a new VFL/AFL record in the process." Can you clarify what was the record he set?"- I notice some inconsistency in using no-break spaces. I suggest that when the copyedit is over you go through and pick up the missing ones.
I should finish the remaining sections tonight or tomorrow. Brianboulton (talk) 17:25, 10 July 2009 (UTC)
'Later still: I have finished my copyediting, although I have not touched the final two short paragraphs in the "Personal" section. Most of this information seems to border on trivia and I wonder how much is necessary. Anyway, I think the prose is a bit tidier now. When you have finished responding to the points I've raised, give my talkpage a buzz and I'll do a final redathrough. Brianboulton (talk) 21:51, 11 July 2009 (UTC)