James T. Kirk edit
- A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for January 2009.
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because the article has come a very long way from the in-universe, mustachioed evil-counterpart to that within the Star Trek Wiki universe. I think it's essentially GA now, but I would like to get some input on how to find those weak spots that those of us working the article may not be able to see. Thanks, Arcayne (cast a spell) 23:35, 20 January 2009 (UTC)
- Considering the depth of Star Trek lore, the article seems a little sparse for this primary character from the fictional universe. Have a good number of ST sources been evaluated by further context of this character? Also, the "2009 film" subsection feels pretty short and tacked on to the "Depiction" section, almost as if this film was somehow more relevant for its own subsection than any film or the television series. Maybe revise the subsections to be more level in tone? Like "Rebooting the character" or something? —Erik (talk • contrib) 17:11, 21 January 2009 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This article seems neutral, stable, and appears to be factually accurate. Stronger images would be nice, but I'm sure they must be hard to find. Here are a few suggestions for further improvement.
Lead
- The lead should summarize the main points of the article, and it should not introduce material that's undeveloped in the article. The existing lead mentions comics and games. Comics don't seem to appear at all in the main text, and although games are mentioned, the idea is not developed. What comics? What games?
Development and portrayals
- The Manual of Style deprecates fancy quotes and advises against blockquotes for fewer than four lines of quoted text. It would probably be best to embed the Shatner quote in regular quotation marks in the main text.
- Where does the "Tiberius" part of Kirk's name come from?
- "When Star Trek was canceled in 1969, Shatner assumed it would be the end of his association with the show – however, Shatner went on to portray Kirk in the animated Star Trek, the first seven Star Trek movies, and several games." - Suggestion: semicolon instead of dash.
- "Despite the rewrite, Generations co-writer Ronald D. Moore said Kirk's death, intended to "resonate throughout the Star Trek franchise", was "flawed" and failed to "pay off the themes [of death and mortality] in the way we wanted". - Here and in many other places in the article, several short quotes are patched into a sentence and separately referenced. The reading would go more smoothly if you used a combination of indirect discourse, paraphrasing, and quotations. Suggestion: "Despite the rewrite, Generations co-writer Ronald D. Moore said that Kirk's death, intended to 'resonate throughout the Star Trek franchise', failed to work in the way the writers had wanted." I'd suggest going through the whole article to try to reduce the number of quotation marks, which have an effect similar to underlining, exclamation points, italics, or bolding. The effect is disruptive when overused.
- "A "misunderstanding" arose" - No need for the quotation marks
- ""misinterpreted language about "tr[ying] to get him into the movie" - Suggestion: "misinterpreted language about trying to get "him" into the movie... ".
Depiction
- "where he exists until USS Enterprise-D captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) convinces him" - This has too many modifiers in front of Jean-Luc Picard. Suggestion: "where he exists until Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart), captain of the USS Enterprise-D, convinces him to leave"
- Suggestion: Break the long final paragraph into two paragraphs to give the readers' eyes a rest. The break point is somewhat arbitrary, but maybe the second paragraph could begin with "Although Kirk is demoted to captain in... ".
2009 film
- This section is short and might fit better at the bottom of the "Depiction" section.
- "will reveal the origins of Kirk's and Spock's friendship" - Suggestion: "will reveal the origins of the friendship between Kirk and Spock"
Reception
- "in anticipation of Kirk's birth" - "Birthday" rather than "birth"?
- The last paragraph is a one-sentence orphan, usually frowned upon. Since it might not be expandable, you might consider merging it with the Riverside paragraph.
I hope these brief suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 23:06, 25 January 2009 (UTC)