Wikipedia:Peer review/International co-productions of Sesame Street/archive1

International co-productions of Sesame Street edit

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I've listed this article for peer review because I would like additional input before it goes further. I'd like to get it ready for a successful GAC, and eventually, a FAC. I'd appreciate any and all assistance on this interesting and fun article.

Thanks, --Christine (talk) 23:22, 7 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is a good start on an article about a show I really like. To make GA, though, the article will need more specifics, more fun, and more active prose. I'd like to hear more about the individual co-productions, the Muppet variants, the story variants, and the specific cultural problems encountered; I think the last section could be expanded, and perhaps the earlier sections could be shorter or at least more pithy. I'd like more active verbs in places like the third paragraph of the "Production" section, which starts with this string of passives: "puppeteers were cast and trained; puppets were constructed; puppets were made; sets were developed; videos and animations were made; each was developed, produced, and aired; research was conducted". Here are some other suggestions:

Thanks, Finetooth. I haven't been ignoring you or this pr for the past few weeks; I've just been generally burnt out and took a little wiki-break, I suppose. It's hard to believe, I know, but the project went on its merry way without me and my watchlisted articles didn't wilt from the lack of attention. Anyway, just finished fixing the passives as requested. Christine (talk) 12:18, 23 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

"Shortly after the debut of the children's television program... ". - Maybe add the word "educational" here too? Then maybe replace "educators" later in the sentence with "teachers" to avoid repetition?
I'd consider expanding the lead to include more specific examples (like the mention of the HIV muppet). Otherwise the lead is too abstract. Most of the verbs in the lead are passive, and most of the others are weak "there is, there are" variants.

It was several days ago, but I think that I improved the lead as requested above. I paid special attention to the passives, and made it more "specific." Christine (talk) 04:31, 29 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

History

"Shortly after the 1969 debut of Sesame Street in the US, the Children's Television Workshop (CTW) was approached independently by producers from Brazil, Mexico, Canada, and Germany to produce versions of Sesame Street in those countries." - This so closely mirrors the opening sentence of the lead that I'd revise it to make it (or the version in the lead) significantly different.
Dann's appointment resulted in television critic Marvin Kitman, referring to the May 1970 Mississippi state commission decision to ban the show, stating, "After he [Dann] sells [Sesame Street] in Russia and Czechoslovakia, he might try Mississippi, where it is considered too controversial for educational TV". - Slightly too complicated. Suggestion: Dann's appointment led television critic Marvin Kitman to say, "After he [Dann] sells [Sesame Street] in Russia and Czechoslovakia, he might try Mississippi, where it is considered too controversial for educational TV". (In May 1970, the Mississippi state commission had banned the show.)

Addressed first two comments above.Christine (talk) 04:54, 29 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

What was the formal name of the Mississippi state commission?

It was the commission for educational television. Made the change.

The caption, "Set of the South African co-production Takalani Sesame, with its unique set and some of the show's characters" doesn't need a terminal period since it's only a sentence fragment. Also, it repeats "set". Maybe "The South African co-production Takalani Sesame, with its unique set and some of its characters"?

Followed both recommendations. Christine (talk) 05:01, 30 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Production

"consisting of dubbed versions of the show with local language voice-overs and instructional cutaways" - Wikilink cutaways to Cutaway (filmmaking)?
"Eventually a flexible model, which came to be called "the CTW model", was developed for independently produced preschool television shows, based upon Sesame Street, created in other countries." - Maybe "... based on Sesame Street and created in other countries" for slightly better prose flow?

Made above two changed as recommended. Christine (talk) 05:21, 30 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"The Workshop recognized that the production model developed in the US, which reflected its needs and culture at the time, served as a framework for other countries that wanted to repeat it. According to the 2006 documentary, "The World According to Sesame Street", the producers of the co-productions repeated the "experiment" accomplished by the original US show. As Sesame Workshop CEO Gary Knell stated in 2009, the US model of depending upon government and foundation funding would not necessarily be effective in countries with different economic and political structures." - I get lost here. Could this be simplified and made more clear? Maybe something like this: "Workshop executives realized that the model that had worked in the US might not work in every country. As Sesame Workshop CEO Gary Knell stated in 2009, the US model of depending upon government and foundation funding would not necessarily be effective in countries with different economic and political structures."

I think you got lost because it wasn't clear. What I meant to say was that the co-productions used the experiences of the original American producers as a framework, but changed it as the situation warranted. What worked in the US may not necessarily work in other countries, especially when it came to funding. Depending upon government and corporations worked in 69, but it may not necessarily work in other countries, with their differences in economics and culture. I think that the way these sentences now read make that more clear. Christine (talk) 05:21, 30 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"Like the producers of Sesame Street accomplished in the late 1960s, the need for preschool education in each country was accessed through research and interviews with television producers, researchers, and educational experts." - Maybe "Imitating what Sesame Street's producers did in the late 1960s, CTW sought to determine preschool educational needs through interviews with television producers, researchers, and education experts."
"The puppeteers were cast and trained by Kevin Clash... " - Also, wikilink puppeteer?
"The co-productions consisted of unique characters, sets, and curriculum designed to meet the needs of their own children." - "curriculums" or "curricula" instead of the singular, curriculum?
"As of 2009, the Workshop opened their entire library of episodes... " - "its entire library" rather than "their entire library"?

Followed the above recommendations, thanks. Christine (talk) 05:30, 30 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Co-productions

The little flags are decorative but don't add information not otherwise available from the text alone. I'm not sure I'd keep them.

They were in the original article, before I got my grubby little hands on it. We'll lose 'em when I follow the recommendation below. Christine (talk) 04:43, 31 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"Starting in 1978, its producers became a 50–50 co-producer... " - Should 50-50 be explained? I'm not sure everyone will know what it means?

That's the wording in the Cole book, which doesn't explain what it means. My solution was to delete the phrase, since I think that what Cole was trying to say was that the German co-production gained more control over their own show. That's what I think; there's no way to know that for certain, thus the cut. I think keeping the part about filming their own puppets in their own studio keeps that implication and stays true to the original source. Christine (talk) 04:43, 31 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"its set is a branded block" - What is a "branded block"?
"There have been three productions in Portgual, including one co-production with their own characters." - What does "their" refer to?

Cut the phrase as per comments above. I've just learned something; when the original source is unclear, it's best to not include the information. Christine (talk) 04:54, 31 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Since the Manual of Style suggests replacing lists with prose where feasible, I'd suggest modifying this list so that it becomes a series of prose paragraphs. Some of the list items like Brazil are already long enough to stand alone. Others might be expanded or combined.

I agree, so I'll go to userspace to create a prose version. As implied above, this article used to basically be a list. I added the sections preceding it, bulked up the items in the list, and made sure they were accurate and had sources. I kept the list format because I wanted to be respectful of the original version, until consensus or a review told me otherwise. In other words, I suspect that I'd have to make the list into prose, so I'm more than happy to oblige. Christine (talk) 04:54, 31 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Other

Captions consisting solely of a sentence fragment don't take a terminal period.
The images need alt text, meant for readers who can't see the images. WP:ALT has details.
The link-checker tool in the toolbox at the top of this review page finds one dead url in the citations.
The dab-finder tool finds two links that go to disambiguation pages instead of their intended targets.
It might be a tough sell to convince reviewers that three fair-use images are needed.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 04:50, 14 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Followed the above suggestions and made corrections where appropriate. Regarding the FU images: I know, I know. Ran into the same issue with the GAR of History of Sesame Street. My justification is that the article, like this one, is about a TV show, so it makes sense (I think) to use screen shots. We'll see how far we get as we get further along in both articles' development. In the coming days, I'll list-to-prose (just made up that phrase!) to last section of this article. Thanks for the feedback, FT, and sorry for our long it took me to address your points. Christine (talk) 05:39, 31 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]