Wikipedia:Peer review/Halo: Uprising/archive1

Halo: Uprising

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for January 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'm interested in gathering feedback prior to a featured topic nomination; the next issue will theoretically be coming out in March, but as it's been delayed more than a year so far I'd rather just improve it now. --Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ^(talk) 22:14, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ^(talk) 22:14, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is straightforward and generally clear. I have some mostly minor concerns about the prose. Here are my suggestions for improvement.

Lead

• "and publisher by" - "published"
• "but due to numerous delays the final issues have not yet been released" - Redundant. Delete "due to numerous delays".
• "including the one-shot Halo Graphic Novel" - I'm not sure what "one-shot" means. Maybe it means that the book was not part of a series. If so, you could just say "including the Halo Graphic Novel".

"*Brian Michael Bendis said he was 'honored' to add to the Halo lore" - Just "Bendis" on second and subsequent references.

Bendis caption

• "Brian Michael Bendis struggled to write a proper tone" - Suggestion: "create" rather than "write"

Background

• "responsible for contacting Bungie" - Who or what is Bungie? It should be spelled out, linked, or explained on first use. I see "Bungie Studios" lower in the section.
• "well as discuss the possibility" - Suggestion: "as well as to discuss the possibility"
• "the possibility of tie-in comic book series" - Should this be "a" tie-in comic book series?
• "something not easily found imparted in the games" - Suggestion: "something not easily imparted through the games"
• "Bendis was not able to do anything he wanted" - Do you mean "everything he wanted"?
• "While using established characters meant Bendis was not able to do anything he wanted in Uprising, he said that the change was a challenge he enjoyed; "you can get pretty bloated and sloppy with total autonomy all the time," he said." - Too complex. Suggestion: "While using established characters meant that Bendis was not able to do everything he wanted in Uprising, he said he enjoyed the challenge. "You can get pretty bloated and sloppy with total autonomy all the time," he said.
• "Bendis suggested that the series might be delayed unexpectedly due to the cooperation between Marvel and Bungie." - Cooperation caused delay? Maybe something like "delayed unexpectedly by discussions between Marvel and Bungie" would be better.
• "Due to a last minute change in a major plot point of Halo 3 by Bungie it was decided that the plot for Halo: Uprising needed reworking." - Awkward. Suggestion: "A last-minute change by Bungie to the plot of Halo 3 led to a reworking of Halo: Uprising."

Plot

• Myras remains calm" - Last name on second use and subsequent uses: "Tyla remains calm"?
• "but Ruwan states he knows exactly what it is" - Maybe "where" it is would be better.
• "On Earth, Ruwan and Myra" - Here she turns into "Myra", but it's either Myras or Tyla. It should be Tyla unless that is not her last name.

Reception

• "On the other hand, IGN stated" - Suggestion: "On the other hand, Imagine Games Network (IGN) stated"
• "On the other hand, IGN stated the series' appeal was mostly superficial, as 'try as they might to replicate [Halo's] visceral moments, Bendis and Maleev just can't replicate the same feeling on the printed page'." - For smoothness, I'd stick a "that" right after "stated", and I'd put a terminal period after "superficial". The next sentence would read, " 'Try as they might to replicate [Halo's] visceral moments, Bendis and Maleev just can't replicate the same feeling on the printed page', the company said."
• "was also seen as a major fault. Reviewers also did not understand" - Remove the two unneeded instances of "also".

References

• Citation 14 needs fixing. It consists of only an url.

Other thoughts

• I just want to be sure that Ruwan Jayatilleke and the character Ruwan are both correct. If so, using the name in the story must have been deliberate, a kind of in-joke, perhaps.

If you find these comments helpful, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 20:03, 3 February 2009 (UTC)