Frederick Hinde Zimmerman edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it has been copyedited and I would like to begin preparing for GA review. I previously listed this article on October 15, 2012, but it was not reviewed and a bot closed the review. I would greatly appreciate a solid peer review. Thank you in advance for your time and any helpful comments.
Thanks, Lawman4312 (talk) 03:32, 31 October 2012 (UTC)
I read the article and enjoyed it, which is a good sign, but it still needs some work. The lead stuck me immediately. First, I always feel the opening sentence of the article should mention the nationality or country and “American” should be in the first sentence.
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Also, the article is about this individual and what made him significant. Even if his father and grandfather were prominent, I wouldn’t mention them as early as the second sentence and maybe not in the lead at all.
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The third paragraph uses the work “greatest” twice in two sentences too close together. And the word “greatest” itself is one of those words that should be avoided. It doesn’t really convey content. See: Wikipedia:Manual of Style/Words to watch.
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Also, from reading the article it seems like the hotel was one of his major achievements, but he died just shortly after it’s completion. Perhaps mention that fact. You do say he died near the hotel, but I think the fact that it was an achievement very late in his life would be an interesting fact for the lead.
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The structure of the article seems good. There are a few things...
It seems very unusual that his uncle and his mother both died of morphine overdose! I think any reader is going to wonder why they were taking morphine. If you mentioned that, I missed it. It does make you wonder if it was health or addiction? If you have that information you should add it, because readers will be annoyed by not knowing.
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I also like in an article to have a good sense of time. You detail the course of his life in Family and Faming and then Later business ventures, but you don’t mention the years and especially his age when the events were occurring. I don’t get a sense from reading whether he was young, middle-aged, or old as I was reading them. Somewhere you have “Made large amounts of money” which doesn’t sound correct. Doesn’t sound encyclopedic, but maybe that’s just me.
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Finally, the hotel picture is a really great photo. It think it would enhance the article to make it larger. Use you own judgement, but I’d be inclined to make it 300px.
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Hope this helps. BashBrannigan (talk) 02:30, 12 November 2012 (UTC)