Wikipedia:Peer review/David Fisher (Six Feet Under)/archive1

David Fisher (Six Feet Under)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I've done a lot of work on it in the last couple of days but I need a fresh set of eyes, for grammar, fludity, and comprehensiveness. I've added a lot of references also. I would love for this to reach GA status.

Thanks, Esprit15d • talk • contribs 15:57, 23 June 2010 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: I don't know this series, looks like I could have missed something. I enjoyed reading this, and made a few copyedits along the way. Here are my detailed comments.

• A few dablinks need fixing. They can be identifying via the toolbox to the upper right of this page.
• Lead
  • "What is meant by rectifies"? How, for example, did he "rectify" (i.e. put right) his homosexuality?
  • "The series finale and official HBO website indicate that Keith is murdered in a robbery in 2029 and David eventually finds companionship with a Raoul Martinez, whom he is with at the time of his death at 75 years old." Rather clumsy wording. Suggest: "The series finale and official HBO website indicate that Keith is murdered in a robbery in 2029, and that David eventually finds companionship with one Raoul Martinez with whom he remains until his death at the age of 75."
• Character conception":
  • Quotes within quotes should be indicated by single quote marks.
  • In this first mention after the lead, Michael C. Hall should be properly introduced, not just as "Hall".
• Show's outset:
  • First paragraph has tense inconsistency: "They are owner and operators...", "David abandoned...", "This causes him..." For consistency the "David abandoned" sentence could be reworded "David has abandoned his desire to become a lawyer, instead going to mortuary school and subsequently assisting his father with the business."
  • "...he spent "ten years" dating woman" - I imagine this should be "women"
• Seasons
  • Avoid contractions such as "doesn't", can't, etc (not encyclopedic)
  • The citation after "risky sex" is almost unreadable - can it be clarified?
  • You should not rely on a link to explain what EMT means. Why should readers have to jump to another article? Keep the link by all means, but spell the term out.
  • "Keith kills someone on the job" could be better phrased, especially as "on the job" is a British euphemism for having sex. Perhaps "Keith kills someone in the course of duty"?
  • "Gradually, David moves into Keith's apartment." I know what you mean but it reads oddly. Perhaps "Over a period of time..."
  • "who Keith gets custody of" → "of whom Keith gets custody"
  • "When the couple travels..." The idiom would be "travel". Also the couple needs to be identified; the last "couple" mentioned is David and Jennifer.
  • "...David stays with his brother while avoiding Keith. After a fight about a telemarketer escalates into another battle..." So, not avoiding? There needs to be a link between these two sentences.
  • "the pop star Celeste." Assuming this is a character, would read better as "a pop star called Celeste".
  • Keith is "on tour"? How come?
  • PTSD needs an explanation, not just a link
  • "blowjob" should be linked. (There are innocents out there...)
  • "...his panic attacks return, along with visions of his assailant." Clarify if this refers to the carjacker from the previous series.
  • Caption: we need reinding that "Ruth" is David's mother
• David's future
  • "David's obituary states that he has three grandchildren, one of whom is named Keith." This sentences is misplaced, since the next begins: "David later retires..." Also, you shouldn't have "later" and "in 2034" in the same sentence.
• Legacy
  • "David Fisher is often referred to as the first realistic gay portrayed on television, and is often praised for the writing as well as his portrayal by Michael C. Hall." Doesn't make sense as stated. The character "David Fisher" is not "often praised" for the writing". Needs significant rephrasing.
  • Book titles: use the standard convention for capitalisation in book titles; I've fixed the first.

I hope these comments are helpful. Since we are very short of peer reviewers at the moment, it would help us if you would select an article from the backlog listing on the WP:PR page, and review it. Brianboulton (talk) 18:18, 7 July 2010 (UTC)