Wikipedia:Peer review/Brisbane/archive2

Brisbane

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style. If you would find such a review helpful, please click here. Thanks, APR _t 02:23, 9 February 2008 (UTC)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it's one of the most important articles related to Australia and the last peer review a few years ago yielded no fruit. Any suggestions or comments would be great, I would love to see Brisbane featured one day in the very near future, I and many other locals have spent a lot of time on it :)

Thanks, James Pinnell (talk) 13:15, 7 February 2008 (UTC)

Peripitus

Just reviewing the opening sections for redundancy and tone - I haven't looked as coverage and accuracy.

• The colony was moved to what is now the current location of the Brisbane CBD in 1825- moved is already past tense and current expresses "what is now" better...other bits in the lead with writing issues as well.
  •  Done, although another set of eyes would not hurt. Nicholas Perkins (T•C) 04:49, 24 February 2008 (UTC)
• The city developed slowly until after World War II, when it played a central role in the Allied campaign as the South West Pacific headquarters for General Douglas MacArthur - this is very unclear and reads as though the Allied campaign was after the war. Needs thought and rewriting - perhaps as two distinct sentences (1=slow growth, 2=role in WWII)
  •  Done. Removed the slow growth section as I could find no sources for this. Reworded the WWI section. Nicholas Perkins (T•C) 04:49, 24 February 2008 (UTC)
• The lead is too short and does not summarise some important parts of the article. There is information in geography, governance, economy etc... that would do well to be mentioned here
• They knew the areaTo these people the area that would become Brisbane was known as Mian-jin, meaningwhich means 'place shaped as a spike' - everything struck out is clear from the preceding sentences and context
  • Done. dihydrogen monoxide (H₂0) 09:13, 25 February 2008 (UTC)
• 260 hectares - needs acres as other units have been converted previously and the source will be in acres
• Queensland was proclaimed a separate colony in June 1859 withand Brisbane was chosen as its capital, although. However, it was not incorporated as a city until 1902.
  • Done. dihydrogen monoxide (H₂0) 09:13, 25 February 2008 (UTC)
• "The tower’s other significant claim to fame" - perhaps identify clearly that the tower is the Windmill's tower
  •  Done Nicholas Perkins (T•C) 05:11, 24 February 2008 (UTC)
• "Royal Historical Society of Brisbane and effectively runs as a museum" - does this means it runs well as a museum or that in effect is is run as a museum ?
  •  Done although I've changed this a little bit and added that it is also used for functions. Nicholas Perkins (T•C) 05:11, 24 February 2008 (UTC)
• Another historic building is The Shrine of Remembrance in ANZAC Square,. dedicated on 11 November 1930, the Shrine of Remembrance is Brisbane's main war memorial. - not necessary to restate that this section is talking about historic buildings
  •  Done. Nicholas Perkins (T•C) 05:11, 24 February 2008 (UTC)
• Queenslander-style - should be wikilinked at the first occurrance rather than the second as, even to other some Australians, it is not self-explanatory. Perhaps reorder the part of Geography this comes in; so the definition comes before the first usage
• 43.2 °C (109.8 °F) on the 26 January 1940 - per MOS it seems that dates are not written with an indefinite article.
• the most severe drought in over a century, as supplying with dam levels dropped dropping below one quarter of their normal capacity. - the way this is written it seems that the dam levels are the cause of the drought.
  •  Done. Nicholas Perkins (T•C) 09:47, 25 February 2008 (UTC)

In the Utilities section

• Wivenhoe, Somerset and North Pine, all of which are at all time lows. This is a statement that dates quickly. They certainly won't be at all time lows for all times that the article is read. At the least revise to read "as of February 2008"
  •  Done Not at all time lows any more due to rain so this removed. Reworded this to make it a bit clearer. Nicholas Perkins (T•C) 05:01, 24 February 2008 (UTC)
• No information as to what the proposed pipeline is and where it runs
• "opened up the retail energy market" - no information as to what structure it had previously. Better to say "Until XXXX the energy market was controlled by a monopoly supplier then ....."
  •  Done, but worded differently to above. Nicholas Perkins (T•C) 05:01, 24 February 2008 (UTC)

- Peripitus (Talk) 02:43, 12 February 2008 (UTC)