Wikipedia:Peer review/Alexa McDonough/archive1

Alexa McDonough edit

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because the article is stable, seems to be stuck at B-level, and I would like to get it to at least a Good-level article, in preparation for a Feature-level article. Looking for comments on tone, style, and anything else that needs fixing.

Thanks, Abebenjoe (talk) 19:42, 13 May 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Nikkimaria

The nominator stated on my talk page that FAC was an eventual goal, so if this review seems nitpicky, that's why ;-). Feel free to respond here, I've got this page watchlisted. Nikkimaria (talk) 22:25, 13 May 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Lead section should be at least two paragraphs for an article of this size, and probably three would be better
Make sure the article would pass a paraphrasing/verifiability spotcheck (I haven't done this)
Picture is appropriately licensed, though it'd be nice to have a second
Make sure ranges use endashes
"He served as the first research director for the NDP's predecessor" - provincially or federally?
Does she have siblings?
"sociology and psychology Bachelor of Arts degree" - would usually see "Bachelor of Arts degree in sociology and psychology"
"the same politician that she once supported back in 1970" - having both "once" and "back" is redundant
Make sure that the article is accessible to non-Canadians - wikilink Cape Breton Island, link or spell out MLA, etc
"one of the dominate issues" - do you mean "dominant"?
"convention was convened" - the repetition is repetitive, as with "moved a motion" later. Check throughout
McEachern or MacEachern?
visitors gallery or visitor's gallery?
Check use of commas before "and" - needed sometimes, but not always. In general, you have too many commas rather than too few
"that permeated within Nova Scotia's politics" - not sure "within" is needed here
"the province's entrenched patronage system" - can you elaborate?
"did not rub-off" -> "did not extend"? Be careful of using language that is too colloquial
"made her the longest-serving leader of a major political party" - in general, when making statements of this type, ensure that your frame of reference is clear. In this instance, for example, I think you mean in Nova Scotia?
"Under Audrey McLaughlin's leadership, the party suffered its worst defeat since the late 1950s, in terms of seats, when it was then called the CCF" - the bit about the CCF needs to be rephrased or moved, as right now it isn't clear which part of the sentence that's referring to
Be very careful about tone and making statements like "a divided party that was self-immolating"
"She would continue to win it consecutively three more times" - rephrase for concision
Watch for comma splices
"there were calls for party renewal, again" - suggest moving "again" before "calls"
"Some party activists perceived that the NDP had moved to the centre of the political spectrum and wanted to change that by bringing in social/political activists outside of the parliamentary process" - not entirely sure what this means, can you clarify?
"limiting how much control Labour Unions had in the party" - why the caps?
Don't space emdashes
"The issue that highlighted McDonough's federal leadership, occurred during the twilight of her career: the fight against the Islamophobia and general anti-Arab sentiment that swept through Canada and the United States in the wake of the 9/11 attacks in September 2001" - edit for concision and clarity
"She led the charge" and elsewhere - avoid cliched language
Wikilink Canada's secret service to CSIS?
Use hyphens for adjectives involving amounts, for example "one-year appointment"
Don't use commas between month and year
Too many commas!
"It was announced on December 30, 2009, that she will be appointed..." - given the date, presumably this has already happened? If so, update; if not, explain why
Use "p." for single pages, "pp." for multiple
Use a consistent date format
Be consistent in how you format CBC refs
External link title should use dash not hyphen
Given her prominence as a pioneering female politician, is she now asked to make speeches for various events?
Citation for Baptist faith?
Why the caps on Social Worker in infobox?
When did she marry? Nikkimaria (talk) 22:25, 13 May 2012 (UTC)[reply]

This is excellent, useful criticism. Thank you, it is exactly what I was looking for.--Abebenjoe (talk) 16:43, 14 May 2012 (UTC)[reply]