Albany Pine Bush edit
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it's a GA that I tried to promote to FA. Issues were raised in the FAC process, I believe I fixed them, but it was archived. So I'd just like a second opinion before renominating.
Thanks, Gyrobo (talk) 23:10, 4 November 2010 (UTC)
Ruhrfisch comments: Thanks for working on this article. Having read it, I do not think it is ready for FAC yet, so here are some suggestions for improvement.
- The lead does not really summarize the article. One thing that should be in the lead, but is not, is some mention of Geology and the origin of the Pine Bush as result of ice age lakes and their sand dunes (if I read this correctly). If the lead is an accurate summary, it also serves as a better introduction to the whole article.
- I would give the acreage of the Woodlawn Preserve in the lead too
- I would also watch WP:OVERLINKing - for example Capital District is linked twice in just the lead. Some articles link terms only once in the whole article, others link once in the lead and once on first mention in the body of the article.
- Also try to avoid adding links that are to common terms or that add little to the reader's understanding (so linking Europeans in and when Europeans arrived in the early 17th century to European peoples, itself a redirect to Ethnic groups in Europe) does little to improve the reader's understanding of who these settlers were.
- I also think the article would greatly benefit from a map of New York state showing the two counties, cities of Albany and Schenectady, and Hudson River would help, as well as showing the original extent and current extent of the Pine Bush.
- To me there seems to be a bit too much on the Nabokov butterfly in the lead - see WP:LEAD and WP:WEIGHT
- Speaking of maps, the File:Kings_Highway_Albany_Crop.png seems to be rotated by ninety degrees. If it were rotated 90 degrees clockwise, it would be vertical. I can do this if you need it done.
- I think the biggest problem this would face under close scrutiny at FAC is the language, which is a bit rough in spots. WP:WIAFA criterion 1a "well-written: its prose is engaging, even brilliant, and of a professional standard;" . Some examples (not a complete list) of places that the prose could be polished follow
- To me at least, stretched seems more a linear description. WOuld covered work better in The Albany Pine Bush is the sole remaining undeveloped portion of a pine barrens that once stretched for over 40 square miles (100 km2),...?
- Awkward - avoid passive voice where possible This pine barrens was passed through by pioneers moving west and was the site of the first passenger railroad in the United States.[8][9] Why not something like Pioneers moving west passed through this pine barrens, which was later the site of the first passenger railroad in the United States.
- First sentence of the European colonization section would probably read better split in two (10,000 years ago as its own sentence)
- Next sentence is again awkward The Dutch from their trading outpost of Fort Orange, which was established in 1624, traded with both native groups. perhaps something like The Dutch traded with both native groups from their trading outpost at Fort Orange, which was established in 1624.
- Try to provide context to the reader for example, the location of Fort Orange is not given in the preceding sentence, so the uninformed reader has no idea without clicking on the link how far this fort was from the Pine Bush. Adding context concisely gives something like In 1624 the Dutch established an outpost at Fort Orange (present day Albany), where they traded with both native groups. As it now reads, Albany is not mentioned until the Dutch surrender it to the English later in the paragraph, and the connection between it and the fort is not very clear.
- Which war (or wars?) is (are?) meant here? First sentence uses wars (plural) and links to an article on four wars. The second sentence refers to a single war and gives dates not exactly matching any of the wars listed in the linked article: During the French and Indian Wars, the British military improved the road significantly, and after the war it was used by a large number of settlers moving west.[15] Also during the war from 1699 to 1707 Albany residents collected firewood from the Pine Bush for the large army that was camped at Fort Frederick.[11]
- Watch what goes in which sections. Herman Melville's 1851 description seems like it would be a better fit in the 19th century section (instead of the end of the Colonization section), and there are three sentence on 1910 in the 19th century section (that would be a better fit in the 20th century section).
- I am also not clear why the article does not follow chronlogical order. So the last paragraph of 19th century is 1871 and 1910. The first paragraph of 20th century is 1927, 1930s and 1940s, and then back to 1930 and 1933. The next paragraph is 1912, followed by 1950s and 1960s.
- Geography section is only three sentences and seems to contradict other parts of the article. The lead meantions Pine Bush in Schenectady city and county, but Geography makes it sound like it is only in Albany County.
- Surely some more photos could be added to the 20th century section - perhaps developments encroaching on the Pine Bush or one of the highways that cross it?
- Lepidoptera are moths and butterflies (not just moths)
- Another FA criterion is comprehensiveness. This includes sources. The article relies fairly heavily on internet and newspaper sources, with only four books in the refs that I saw. However, a quick Google Books serach find several books on the Pine Bush not cited here.
Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 05:25, 16 November 2010 (UTC)