Wikipedia:Peer review/2013 Penn State Nittany Lions football team/archive1

2013 Penn State Nittany Lions football team

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article, my pet project during the Penn State season, recently passed GA, and my long-term goal if for it to achieve FA status, and perhaps even be TFA someday, however lacking much experience with the FA process, I was hoping for some input on what it needs to get there. Thank you in advance.

Thanks, Go Phightins! 19:13, 30 January 2014 (UTC)

Comments from EricEnfermero

Hi Go Phightins! I noticed that this had not drawn any comments yet. Keeping in mind that I have less FA experience than you and that I've never participated in PR before, here are some things I see. Obviously a great deal of research and time went into this article. As I see it, jargon is one of the big challenges for these articles at GA and FA - how to make the article read well for both the sports fan and the non-fan.

Lead

• "in wake of the Penn State..." - "in the wake of" should be more common usage
• "ultimately true freshman Christian..." - ultimately appears a few times in the article and I think it can usually be left out
• "injuries could decimate the team, while surprise performances could lift them to success" - This is probably true of any team. You might mention that a specific expert had concerns about the durability of the offensive line, quarterbacks, etc.
• "In non-conference play..." - maybe change to "Penn State opened the season with two non-conference wins..."
• "Despite the team never being ranked..." - for the non-fan, maybe a wikilink to the 2013 Div I FBS rankings entry.
• I think conference awards (Receiver of the Year, Freshman of the Year) should use caps.
• may be simpler to leave out "scholar athlete"
• can condense the next to last sentence - "A few weeks later, O'Brien accepted..."

Recruiting

• Can the position key be moved up a bit, as you begin using the acronyms in the previous section?
• I would consider breaking up the long first sentence under Recruits.

Preseason buildup

• It looks like the first paragraph is one sentence. The quote doesn't fit into the structure of the sentence. One approach: "Penn State finished with an 8–4 win-loss record in 2012. USA Today's Paul Myerberg said that..."
• There is a vague reference to many college football experts in that paragraph.

Game Notes - Aug. 31

• "In the lead up to the game" - I think this can be left out. I would start a new sentence at "however".
• "After pulling within 6" - this may be a little informal.

Sept. 7

• period after Kyle Carter
• "Instead, the Lions wanted..." - take out instead
• "pushing a 42-yard field goal attempt wide right" - may be difficult for the non-fan

Sept. 14

• "As this was Penn State's..." - multiple clauses that begin with "as" - might help to break up into shorter sentences
• "pinned UCF deep" - what about "After Penn State punted the ball deep into UCF territory, the Knights marched..."
• "THUD" tackling - I know that at least one ref uses caps, but I think they are unnecessary here.
• "Speculation exists that..." - seems vague.

Sept. 21

• "In 2012, Archer rushed for" - the verb tenses are inconsistent in that sentence.
• "not exactly 'dazzled'" - would go with a more formal/neutral phrase unless that's a quote from someone.
• Check for more caps issues for player awards.
• After the first mention, you can refer to Hackenberg and others by last name.
• "Not surprisingly due to the rain" - maybe "The passing game faltered under the rainy conditions..." - avoids editorializing.

Sept. 28

• I would clarify/source "perhaps the biggest of the season."

Oct. 5

• "once again, as they had in 2012..." - they came in 2-2 again? or they were struggling defensively in the first four games again?
• Not sure about indenting the O'Brien quote at the end.

Oct. 12

• New sentence after series. I'm not sure of the significance of hometown paper being in quotes.
• This section seems a little more detailed than the other game summaries, but it may just be that this was such as long game.
• There are instances where you say the team capitalized, took advantage, wasted no time, etc. - may be best to just describe the drives objectively. These phrases are common in sports coverage, but I think you might run into resistance at FA that they may be unencyclopedic. This is something that could be evaluated throughout the article.
• "The four overtimes was..." - The four-overtime game was the longest...

Oct. 19

• focused (or forms of the word) - appears several times in the section. "instead focusing on conditioning" may be best left out.
• some repetitive word usage - tandem, citing, noting
• "Keys to the game..." - inconsistent verb tenses in this sentence

Nov. 2

• "Coming of a shellacking..." - change to coming off, or omit since you've covered the previous week's game
• Who concurred with Hull specifically?
• "Sam Ficken uncharacteristically" - can leave out uncharacteristically because of what you say after that.
• The quote near the end makes the sentence sound a little odd.

Nov. 9

• "running game supposedly led by Bill Belton" - clarify, WP:WTW
• "however an illegal block in the back on Jesse James" - this comes up a few times in the article. Generally a however should go at the beginning or the end of a sentence rather than the middle. Sometimes "but" would be a simpler word for some of these.
• "There was no scoring in the third quarter..." - overly long sentence

Nov. 16

• "Though expected to beat an overmatched Purdue squad..." - overly long sentence
• receiving corps - might go with wide receivers instead
• "Purdue's coach Darrell Hazell..." - long sentence
• "including one Penn State who joked" - missing word, probably player

Nov. 23

• "According to York Daily Record..." - I think we're missing a period in this sentence.
• "Offensively, Penn State's passing game was plagued by dropped passes..." - seems redundant

Nov. 30

• "same aforementioned preview" - can get rid of either same or aforementioned, or maybe both
• Seems like a lot of sports lingo in this section, like between the tackles and bubble screen. Wikilinks to some of these may help, as will either more explanation or maybe less detail.
• "In the game, Penn State sent its seniors off..." - this seems redundant to the previous paragraph.

Post-season

• "McWhorter, who was 63-years old..." - no hyphen
• Pennsylvania-native - same thing
• "in the ensuing days" - two uses of this phrase in close proximity

Again, good job! I think the success of the article will depend largely on controlling the use of jargon and any assertions that seem non-neutral. Clearly, a great deal of work has gone into this one and it's something that you can already be proud of. EricEnfermero ^HOWDY! 22:39, 11 February 2014 (UTC)

All specific concerns addressed, I believe. Thanks Eric for your thorough review! Go Phightins! 22:21, 1 March 2014 (UTC)