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Wikipedia:Peer review/1995 Pacific Grand Prix/archive1

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1995 Pacific Grand Prix

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I've listed this article for peer review because I think it can become a featured article. It is similar to the 1995 Japanese Grand Prix article, which recently became an FA. Thanks, D.M.N. (talk) 13:38, 20 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

  • I'd consider merging the first two sentences since the second is a little stilted.
  • "race" gets four mentions in the first para of the lead, a bit too much.
  • " Hill, as a result, ..." = "As a result, Hill..."
  • "with Schumacher dropped down to fifth" - "dropping" or "and Schumacher dropped..."
  • "Schumacher managed to get past Alesi and Hill during the first of three pit stops, allowing him, on a new set of slick tyres to close on Coulthard, who was on a two stop strategy." - this sentence needs work. A few too many clauses and commas for good reading.
    • The only feasable option, I think, is to split it into two sentences. It now reads: "Schumacher managed to get past Alesi and Hill during the first of three pit stops. This allowed him, on a new set of slick tyres, to close on Coulthard who was on a two stop strategy." - I've also changed the comma positions. D.M.N. (talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • "to open a margin between the two of 21 seconds" - at what point? at the very end? So maybe "to win by a margin of 21 seconds?"
    • I've changed it to: "Schumacher opened up a gap between the two of 21 seconds by lapping two seconds a lap faster than Coulthard, so that when his third stop came, he was still leading the race." - D.M.N. (talk) 17:11, 21 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Reconfirm it was the 1995 Drivers Champion in that last line in the lead.
  • I wouldn't link "third round of the season" - instead I'd say "third round of the 1995 season
    • OK. Changed positioning of link.
  • "Only a maximum of 30 points were available for the remaining three races, which meant that Hill could still win the title." - why Only? If Hill could still win there's no real need for the Only there.
  • "third, fourth and fifth places were covered by three points:" not sure this is needed - the subsequent facts spell it out.
  • "In the two weeks leading up to the race, there was heavy criticism towards, Damon Hill," -I think you need only one comma, the one after Hill.
  • Brundle's quote doesn't have quote marks or anything around it so it looks a little odd because the infobox and image squeeze it in - it appears as a normal paragraph rather than a quote.
  • "title—rival" - no em-dash here, just a hyphen.
  • You use FIA as an abbreviation before abbreviating it.
  • "emphasied " -typo.
  • "The Benetton cars disappointed" - team, cars or cars and drivers? You're placing undue emphasis on the team/car here I think.
  • "albeit two seconds off the pace." - why "albeit"?
  • "commenting on wasting a new set of" - wasting seems a little POV?
  • "from the dirty side of the track." - dirty side probably needs explanation for non-experts (I take it you mean the side opposite to the racing line?)
  • "only two positions behind team-mate Blundell" - two places?
  • " 21 degrees celsius" - use the {{convert}} template for Imperial-ists...
  • "Coulthard converted his pole position to lead into " - pole position is lead so it wasn't converted. Perhaps you need to emphasise that he held his position at the front of the race?
  • "were baulked by the " I'm not sure what you mean by this?
  • Don't link Benetton in Benetton pitcrew - the section of the article you link to isn't specific.
  • The tables aren't sortable so I'm wondering if you need to relink repeats (like Williams, Renault etc).
  • I don't see a need to embolden the top six finishers - they have points in the points column so it should be obvious. If you leave it like that then you ought to have a key.
  • Any reason why Lap is capitalised in the second table?
  • Probably worth explaining to a non-expert what the Pos, No etc means.
  • No need to bold Schuey or Benetton in the Standings section. It's obvious they're top. Because they're at the top!
  • I may have missed it but did you mention this was the last running of the Pacific GP?

Hope these comments help. The Rambling Man (talk) 16:15, 21 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments - My peer-reviewing services were requested on my talk page, so I've come to offer some pre-FAC advice. Hopefully this won't take as long as the last one.

  • Couple of problems with the lead: It serves as a race recap only and could summarize the whole article better. The pre-race, qualifying and post-race sections aren't represented at all. Also, the one-sentence paragraph at the end of the lead could be moved to the end of the first paragraph.
    • I've rejiged it a little bit, but I don't want to go into too much detail. I don't want to represent the pre-race and qualifying too much there, as the main attention of the article is quite rightly the race. D.M.N. (talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Background: "Schumacher would be more than twenty points ahead of Hill with two races remaining." Should be 20, to match the others numbers nearby.
  • Citation required for the media's criticism of Damon Hill's driving.
  • "However, the Formula One's governing body, the FIA emphasised..." I think this would be tighter writing: "However, Formula One's governing body emphasised..." The last word is British English, correct?
    • Yeah. I've changed it to your version, seeing as how "the FIA" is mentioned a few lines earlier.
  • Practice and qualifying: Move the link for slick tyres up one line.
  • Race: Repeated Jean-Christophe Boullion link. Also a repeat racing line link.
  • "Hill in third, who himself only a few tenths behind Alesi." Connector needed.
  • Give Autocourse link italics.
  • "Irvine was heading for eighth place, but made an unsecheduled pit stop..." I'm pretty sure this isn't British English.
  • Might be going into original research territory with this one, but how rare is it for a driver to come back from fifth to win a race? I don't know much about Formula One, but from what I've watched there is never much passing. Could be an interesting angle for the article.
    • It's not very rare for that particular season, mostly down to luck depending on which of the main runners retires from the race - in this case, it was a good strategic move to get Schumacher ahead. D.M.N. (talk) 10:25, 22 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Hope this helps. The lead should be your primary concern, but overall it's in good shape. I actually think you have an advantage with this as compared to the other article, because this race sounds more exciting, giving you plenty to write about. Giants2008 (17-14) 22:30, 21 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

  • You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC. The sourcing looks good.
Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 22:46, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
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