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Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Corinthian War

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Corinthian War

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Self nom. Everyone knows about the Peloponnesian War, but fewer people have heard about its successor, this little excercise in futility, in which ancient Greece spent another 8 years trying to bludgeon itself into a pulp. Draws on all the relevant ancient sources and several good modern commentaries. RobthTalk 21:57, 5 April 2006 (UTC)[reply]

  1. The Corinthian War (395 BC-387 BC) was an ancient Greek military conflict between Sparta and four allied states, Thebes, Athens, Corinth, and Argos, initially backed by Persia. What was backed by Persia, Argos or the Corinthian War?
    Rephrased for clarity.
  2. The immediate cause of the war was a local conflict in northwestern Greece in which both Thebes and Sparta intervened, but the deeper cause was hostility towards Sparta provoked by that city's unilateral domination of Greek politics in the years following the Peloponnesian War. Quite a long sentence...split this up replacing but with however. Also, a description of the local conflict would be helpful.
    Sentence has been split. Further details are given in the relevant body section of the article.
  3. The effects of the war, therefore, were to establish Persia's ability to interfere successfully in Greek politics and to affirm Sparta's hegemonic position in the Greek political system. I don't think this is what you mean and makes almost no sense...I think you mean the effects of war enabled Persia to interfere...(and so on).
    I'm not quite sure what you're saying, but I think it says what I'm trying to say right now, which is that the effects of the war were to make it clear that the Greek political system was a Spartan dominated system in which Persia wielded great influence with its financial clout. This had largely been the case at the start of the war, but was essentially codified by the end.
  4. Agesilaus campaigned effectively against the Persians, advancing as far inland as Sardis, in Lydia. Put the comma clause after Lydia for clarity.
    Changed.
  5. battle of Haliartus , battle of Nemea, battle of Cnidus, battle of Coronea,battle of Lechaeum. Capitalize Battle
    Done.
  6. but then defeating a group of Thebans who pursued too enthusiastically. How did the Theband pursue "too enthusiastically"? meaning is unclear.
    Expanded and clarified.
  7. The allies then sent emissaries to a number of smaller states, and received the support of many of them. The comma is not needed.
    Removed.
  8. which he placed under the command of his inexperienced brother-in-law Peisander How is Peisander inexperienced? Don't put in those kinds of adjectives unless you explain it.
    Clarified.
  9. Thibron was later replaced by Diphridas, who raided more successfully but without achieving any dramatic results. Again, explain what you mean by "more successfully"
    Expanded and clarified
  10. No Argive army challenged him, so he plundered the countryside for a time, and then, after receiving several unfavorable omens, returned home. So's aren't a good idea for FA's. Perhaps a better way of phrasing would be Since no Argive army challenged him, she plundered the countryside for a time...etc.
    Changed
  11. democrats Capitalization?
    No. These are, as they say "small-d democrats," that is, supporters of democracy as a political system. The capital is generally reserved for the US political party.
  12. He, judging that he could accomplish more by campaigning where the Spartan fleet was not than by challenging it directly, sailed to the Hellespont, where he won over several major states to the Athenian side and, at Byzantium, established a system for collecting dues on ships sailing through the Hellespont, as had been done during the later part of the Peloponnesian War. Again, another long, slightly confusing sentence.
    Split and rephrased.
  13. had outlived its usefulness For clarity's sake, "was no longer useful" is better phrasing.
    Changed.
  14. king Capitialization?
    Changed.
  15. treary Treary? Me thinks you mean treaty.
    What do you mean? Of course I meant treary. Ain't you ever heard of a treary? (...Changed.)
  16. were utterly abandoned to the Persians. Cut out utterly.
    I rephrased it, but the information needs to stay.
  17. Six red links a little much. (I'm not saying to cut them out, I'm suggesting to make them blue).
    I've been working my way through these--there were originally about 12. I should be done by the weekend.
  18. No external links
    There really aren't a lot of good internet sources for this kind of topic. I haven't seen anything that really seems worth putting in.
The writing, at times, was confusing, and the way you split up the article is also kind of odd. Sory about the screwed up numbering and hope I helped... -Osbus 23:22, 5 April 2006 (UTC)[reply]
All interspersed comments above are mine. Hopefully this addresses your concerns. Thanks for the comments! RobthTalk 03:29, 6 April 2006 (UTC)[reply]
Good comments, but neither the presence of redlinks nor the absence of external links is a problem. -- ALoan (Talk) 15:22, 6 April 2006 (UTC)[reply]
External links can he helpful, and more than three red links, in my opinion, is a little much. But since all of the above has been mostly addressed,
Oh, sure, external links can be helpful, and it is nice to turn red links blue, but what I meant by "not a problem" was "is not relevant in terms of WP:WIAFA". -- ALoan (Talk) 22:48, 6 April 2006 (UTC)[reply]
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