User talk:Jund NDSU/sandbox

Outline of Wiki-page: Do we want to add an "Later in Life section? Did he do anything else important after retirement with FBI? We will obviously need to include his time of death and such, but just wondering if we throw later life stuff somewhere as well. Trevor B. (talk) 02:23, 22 March 2018 (UTC)

Lead Section Feedback

Jund NDSU (talk) 16:10, 28 March 2018 (UTC)

• Jacob, I think your lead section is very well done, and does a really good job of summarizing all of the future parts of the wiki page. I like the fact that you included the years of when they were developing the criminal profiling methods, but I would double check the dates, as I believe they began in the 1960s. I also really like your explanation of what Mullany did as far as contributing to offender profiling and your concise, sort of definition of what criminal profiling is. Jund NDSU (talk) 15:54, 28 March 2018 (UTC)

• Trevor, I feel you lead section was well done. You did a good job of summarizing the main points of our article. I agree with Jacob in that I feel the way you included when he passed away at the end of the lead section was a good idea. The only critique I have is that I felt there were a couple of wording choices that could probably be fixed by reading through it again. Jund NDSU (talk) 00:34, 31 March 2018 (UTC)

• Jacob, the only critiques I can think of for your lead section are very minor. Try to avoid using the same word at the beginning of each sentence; I know it is difficult when trying to describe a person, but using the word "He" in a very short amount of time becomes repetitive and may cause the reader to lose interest. Also, try to incorporate a more fluid sentence structure with the assistance of commas or semicolons. Trevor B. (talk) 00:35, 29 March 2018 (UTC)

• Kate, only one thing stuck out to me, and that was the word "heinous". Although I do enjoy the emotion that comes with it, I believe we are suppose to avoid using such terms that hold implications or bias viewpoints (even though they were probably considered heinous crimes by the majority of people). Basically, I think the word is "charged", and we are suppose to avoid those sort of terms; but I may be wrong, idk. Trevor B. (talk) 00:35, 29 March 2018 (UTC)

I agree J.R. Council (talk) 17:32, 4 April 2018 (UTC)

Kate, I thought you did a really good job of summarizing all the important points. It gives enough detail but is still a good summary. One thing I saw was maybe splitting up the first sentence, it seemed to run on a little too long. Another error that I saw that I actually made too on the previous wiki assignment was him helping deveolp the behavior science unit. It was actually established quite a bit before he started in the FBI so it may be better just to say he was a part of it. Jacobgable (talk) 03:51, 29 March 2018 (UTC)

Trevor, I the thought your lead a really good overall. You summarized all of the main points really well and added some good background information on him. I think including when he passed away on the lead section will be a good way to end the paragraph like you did. Jacobgable (talk) 03:56, 29 March 2018 (UTC)

Feedback

@Jund NDSU, Trevor B., Jacobgable, and TBarneson: Nice work. A few improvements you could make

• You don't have any references in your lead section. While that's OK, make sure that everything you say in the lead is present in the body of the article, and is supported by references there.
• Most of your paragraphs have a sentence after the final reference. Since that sentence cannot be connected to any reference, by Wikipedia's standards it is unsourced. Make sure that you don't have any statements after the final references in a paragraph.
• In the section on criminal profiling, you say "To learn more about the topic of criminal profiling, please visit the linked Wikipedia page". Instead of doing that, add that following (in wikicode) after the section header: {{Main|Offender profiling}}. This will produce the following
  Main article: Offender profiling

• You could add more links to other articles. Topics and terms that are likely to be unfamiliar to the average reader should be linked the first time they appear in the article.
• In a few places your references were placed before the final period in the sentence. References should always be placed after punctuation. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 15:55, 3 May 2018 (UTC)

From Dr. Council: Looks like you still got a little work to do. However, it's really not that much. Let me know when you make these fixes so I can take a look before you publish. J.R. Council (talk) 21:23, 3 May 2018 (UTC)