Jjservold These are my edits, but overall it was a solid topic.
• For the first sentence of the first paragraph, it should read…
o After the creation of the Women’s Freedom League in 1907, it…
• Many members were excellent writers
o Do not say excellent writers unless you have something to back it up with… remember the Taylor Swift example. o If you want to talk about the excellent writers put due to the fact that …(something)…the newspaper was produced.
• In the second paragraph when stating the names of the women…
o Switch the names of the women and Women’s Freedom League o Should read On October 28th 1908, three members of the Women’s Freedom League, Murial Matters, Violet Tillard, and Helen Fox, released a banner at the House of Commons. The women also chained themselves…
• Avoid using the word many
o Replace many with words that are from the facts o Reference the facts from credible sources
• Also in place of the word because, try using due to the fact that… • Stay in one tense
o Just in the first paragraph alone you alternate between past and present tense