Holbrook.alex98
| This user is a student editor in Clackamas_Community_College/English_Composition_(Summer_2018) . |
Welcome! edit
Hello, Holbrook.alex98, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Shalor and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 20:35, 6 July 2018 (UTC)
Draft notes edit
Hi! I wanted to give you a little feedback on your draft. My main note is to be very careful of tone - you have great information in the article but at times it comes across a little non-neutral, like it's more of a narrative, persuasive piece to get the reader to see the topic in a certain, sympathetic light. Some of this is fairly subtle, like this sentence:
- Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only 36.9% of those suffering receive treatment.
It's not a bad sentence, but it needs to be a bit more "just the facts, ma'am". Maybe write it like this?
- According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety disorders are highly treatable but only 36.9% of people receive treatment.
This attributes the claim (which is definitely important) and states it a little more straightforward. A lot of what I mentioned about tone is more a case of tweaking a word here or there, as well as attributing where needed. Also, as a general rule avoid using the word "you" or similar in articles, as this is seen as too casual of a style for Wikipedia.
This could also use more sourcing to help back up claims, as medical articles definitely need to have all of the major claims sourced pretty thoroughly. This is coming a little late, but this training goes over Wikipedia's requirements for reliable sources as it pertains to medicine and psychology related articles.
With the lists, you may want to summarize some of these in paragraph format. This is more of a side suggestion, though.
I think that your draft looks good so far, so it should be ready to move live soon. ReaderofthePack (｡◕‿◕｡) 14:27, 10 August 2018 (UTC)
- Hi - that's my main account, I forgot to log out! Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 14:52, 10 August 2018 (UTC)