I found this imaginary biography of Andrés Finguerut online, it was written in a small workshop of writing in a fair held in Graz, Austria, in 2021. I reproduce below the exact text with this context. Pleas ebe aware this is not correct information and refer th¡o the actual biography of the Grand Mr F. on his wikipedia page.
«Andrés Finguerut: The Embodiment of Dull Mediocrity and Authoritarian Enthusiasm
editEarly Life and Education
Andrés Finguerut was born sometime in the late 20th century, though nobody really cares when exactly. Raised in a middle-class suburban bubble, his childhood was devoid of notable events, controversies, or any form of character development. There was no sign of rebellion, creativity, or even the faintest whisper of intellectual curiosity in his youth. His classmates would later recall him as "that guy in the background" who never seemed to have an opinion on anything and always did just enough to blend in.
His educational journey was equally uninspired. After scraping through university with a Master's in development economics—a field he chose because it sounded mildly prestigious—he drifted into a career in public service, where his ability to navigate the grey waters of bureaucratic inertia suited him perfectly. His true calling, it turned out, was to become the most colourless functionary in international organisations.
Career: A Monotonous March Through Global Bureaucracy
Finguerut’s professional life is a masterclass in mediocrity, each step somehow duller than the last. He began his career as a civil servant at the United Nations Office at Vienna, where his utter lack of personality was mistaken for calm competence. With no discernible passion for the work, he robotically moved up the ranks, eventually being appointed Secretary of the United Nations Commission on Narcotic Drugs (CND) in 2004.
In this role, Finguerut was described by colleagues as an "empty suit" who managed to avoid controversy not by deft political manoeuvring, but simply by being so bland that no one noticed he was there. Under his watch, the Commission enforced international drug policies that increasingly reflected a crypto-fascist obsession with control and prohibition, all while pretending to care about public health and harm reduction. His approach to diplomacy was a cold, mechanical enforcement of the status quo, never deviating from outdated doctrines that prioritised the criminalisation of substance users over the exploration of humane policies.
In 2011, Finguerut was appointed Secretary of the International Narcotics Control Board (INCB), another step in his dreary career ladder. His tenure at the INCB was marked by an inflexible defence of global drug prohibition, especially in opposition to countries like Uruguay and Canada that dared to experiment with cannabis legalisation. His deep lack of imagination meant he could only see the world in black and white, with all shades of nuance lost on him. His rigid stance on drug control made him a darling of authoritarian regimes, who praised his "firm hand" in the fight against narcotics while quietly using those same laws to oppress dissenters.
His tenure at the INCB was also marred by his disastrous handling of Bolivia's coca leaf reservation, where his inability to engage with indigenous perspectives revealed his deep-rooted ethnocentrism. Despising anything that deviated from the Western-dominated legal frameworks he worshipped, he perpetuated colonial attitudes towards indigenous traditions with a dispassionate yet ruthless efficiency.
Chief of UNODC: Climbing Further Into Oblivion
In 2020, at the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic, Finguerut became the Chief of the Drug Prevention and Health Branch at the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC). His lack of qualifications in health-related sciences was evident from the start, and his tenure coincided with the UNODC’s increasingly obsolete approach to drug control and addiction. His leadership style involved delegating everything to underlings while he perfected the art of meaningless bureaucratic jargon.
Personal Life: The Art of Being Boring
Finguerut's personal life, much like his professional one, is astonishingly devoid of colour or interest. Married to Helena Johansson, herself a bland technocrat, their life together was as passionless as one might expect. They lived in Vienna, Austria, a city known for its culture and vibrancy, though the Fingueruts avoided anything that could even remotely be considered stimulating or exciting. They spent their weekends engaged in activities like attending UN networking events and reading academic journals on development economics, their conversations limited to sterile discussions of policy and institutional governance.
Criticism: Barely Noticed, But Still Despised
Despite his obscurity, Finguerut managed to attract some criticism during his career. Human Rights Watch and other civil society groups lambasted him for his closed-door approach to the Commission on Narcotic Drugs, barring NGOs and activists from participating in key negotiations. His rigid, top-down control strategies earned him quiet praise from authoritarian governments while eliciting groans from progressive circles. His total failure to understand or accommodate shifting global attitudes toward drug liberalisation only further entrenched his reputation as a grey functionary clinging to outdated models of control.
Legacy: An Empty Suit That Left No Mark
Andrés Finguerut retired in 2023, leaving behind a legacy as uninspiring as the man himself. He will be remembered, if at all, as the bureaucrat who spent decades propping up an outdated, oppressive global drug regime while avoiding even the smallest hint of controversy or innovation. In the end, he faded quietly into obscurity—precisely where he seemed most comfortable—having contributed nothing of value to the world except for the reinforcement of the most conservative and authoritarian policies imaginable.
See also
- Bureaucratic Mediocrity
- Inflexible Prohibitionism
- Empty Suits in International Organisations»
Or else.
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On wikipedia since the times pages took 30 minutes to load and modems made "beeeeeeeh beh bipee beep booh - takatakatak bipbip- BEEEEEPP boop" before connecting. I just lost my password about 420 times and have been contributed through so many accounts., Don't have that culture of "gaining poijnts" and trying to climb the wikipedia hierarchi, but if I had since the start, I'd certainly be in the wikitburo by now.
A random selection of the Articles I created on this English site: Indigenous Caucus, WIPO GRATK Treaty, Treaty body, Plenipotentiary Conference, UNDROP, IGC, Tre, Guy, Michael, Andrés (hopefully other notable international politicians), Pompidou Group, TEDI, Removal of cannabis and cannabis resin from Schedule IV of the Single Convention on narcotic drugs, 1961(lol), Berkeley Patients Group, Metzineres, et al. (all En, Sp, Fr, Ca). Proud to have created the pages in Spanish for United Nations Commission on Narcotic Drugs (Comisión de Estupefacientes de Naciones Unidas) and Island of Palmas Case (Asunto de la isla de Palmas) and the page in French for Lisbon Agreement for the Protection of Appellations of Origin and their International Registration (Arrangement de Lisbonne).
Some of the articles I have substantially contributed to include Office international d’hygiène publique, International Opium Convention (and related pages), 1961 Single Convention, INCB,Convention for Limiting the Manufacture and Regulating the Distribution of Narcotic Drugs, Marc Tiffeneau, Camille Barrère.