Welcome to your worst Nightmare edit
This is a place where I can compile monsters from myths, games, books and legends all over the world, or even those from my own twisted mind. Beware; there are creatures so terrifying here even I hesitated to add some of them. Dive into a world of darkness-if you dare.
Tarasque edit
The Tarasque was a Dragon that terrorized a small village in France during the Middle Ages. It was squat for a dragon, but it was lethal. Oral tradition maintains that no weapon could penetrate its thick armour. The creature began to feed on villagers, causing them to go to the local saint, St. Martha. Saints could be found in every town in the world in those days, it seems. Martha splashed holy water on the dragon, rendering it her servant. She then had a strong man hit it in the head with a club. The creature was thus given a lethal concussion, killing it instantly. The people of the town renamed the village Tarascon in honor of the event.
Evil Unicorn edit
Although Unicorns are usually good, some evil individuals have been recorded. This is so rare it is rarely mentioned, but when it does occur, the results can be disastrous. Think of it in terms of an extremely large horse with a long pointy horn charging towards you. You may then understand how terrible this occurence can be. Perhaps the most foul of this group was the Black Unicorn of Hamburg, which devastated a large portion of the countryside in the 13th century. This malevolent entity did not seem to follow the normal rules of Unicornhood. For example, it was not attracted to the fair maidens put out for it. Scholars have speculated that this was because the Black Unicorn was not pure like the other members of its species. Apparently, the people of Hamburg had the same thoughts, for they next put out one of the first bankers, the Templar Herman de Toggart. When confronted with a fellow villain, the Unicorn rushed towards him as to an old friend. Toggart subsequently sold it to a group of Mediterranean pirates, and this intriguing creature has never been heard of since.
Dobhar-chu edit
The Dobhar-chu, or water hound, is a Lake Monster found in Irish waterways. It's closest relative is the otter. Dobhar-chus have been blamed for the deaths of many swimmers, although this has yet to be substantiated. The most likely canidate for these killings is the Irish Crocodile, a different animal altogether. Water hounds are playful creatures, often stealing items belonging to river goers. They can grow to be ten feet long, and subsist on a diet of fish. They are friendly animals, not belonging in Terror World.
The Dobhar-chu is classified as Hydrocanis hiberniae.
Giant Racoon edit
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The Giant Racoon (Procyon giganteus) is an enormous carnivore that lives in the Pacific Northwest. This creature is extremly dangerous, as it finds violence amusing. The Giant Racoon feeds mainly on Bigfoot and Bison. It is highly intelligent. It is the most dangerous creature in North America, and it has destroyed many small towns in Oregon, Washington, and northern California. If you are ever confronted by one, say your prayers and hope for a quick end. There is nothing else you can do.
The Giant Racoon has been credited for driving the Sabre-Toothed Sasquatch to extinction. The fact that there is no evidence that the Sabre-Toothed Sasquatch ever even existed is perhaps the largest obstacle to this theory.
Giant Penguin edit
Giant Penguins are, well, giant penguins found in the Anarctic. They are the largest known predators on this continent, and some of the most lethal in the world. The average specimen is ten feet tall, weighs about as much as a grizzly, and has a beak full of razor sharp teeth. This is an ornithological oddity, since it was believed that toothed birds had been wiped out in the K-T Extinction. The Giant Penguin subsists on a diet of large Fish, other Penguins, and Seals. The Giant Penguin is highly territorial, killing any poor creature that strays onto its turf.
An interesting acount of a Giant Penguin fighting a Cryolophosaurus is here given by the Spanish Explorer Jose Fraudman in the 17th Century:
As I drew near the Southern Continent looking for native peoples to enslave and pillage, I came across a giant bird of the penguin family. It was eating a beached whale, looking very prim and proper. Suddenly, a Cryolophosaurus (if you will pardon the name, as no such creature will be discoved for hundreds of years) drew near and attacked it! I was terrified at the sight of this titanic battle, and fled without observing which won. I am given to speculation that neither won, as I have recently read that both species are now extinct.
This last line is incorrect. Although Cryolophosaurus is long gone, Giant Penguins still swim the southern seas...
Loch Ness Monster edit
The Loch Ness Monster is a surviving Plesiosaur found in Loch Ness, Scotland. Although many consider this Reptile to be an elaborate myth or hoax, the wise (and also insane) consider this beast to be the representation of metaphysical power on the Astral Planes. A full explanation of this mystical theory is found in the best-selling book, How I Know the Earth is Flat, by William Garfield Loon.
There is also a scientific view of the Loch Ness Monster. During the Ice Age, the ocean submerged much of Scotland, allowing sea monsters to come inland. When the sea receeded at the end of the Pleistocene, many lakes were formed. It is a known fact that Loch Ness is one of these. Plesiosaurs from the open sea were stuck in these lakes, as were many other species (fish, shrimp, etc.). Another plesiosaur, the Stronsay Beast, has been sighted in the ocean around Scotland, making this theory at the very least better than Loon's.
Twinkie Worm edit
The next time you feel compelled to purchase and then consume a Twinkie, do not! Step away from the shelf, and don't stop walking away from it until you are at least two miles away from the snack.
You may ask why such measures must be taken. After all, it's just a Twinkie, right? Well, under normal conditions, yes. It is just a Twinkie. But a growing number of snackers are falling prey to the most lethal parasite in the world: the Twinkie Worm (Woman screams in the background.) The Twinkie Worm's lifecycle involves burrowing into the rich, creamy filling of this delicious treat. When the consumer sinks his/her teeth into this sweet, fluffy goodness, the Worm may then travel through the esophagus and down into the intestines. From there it lays eggs, which hatch into razor-mouthed, demonic larvae. These burrow their way into the outside world, at the expense of the innocent snacker. The worms then seek more of these delicious treats, only available from Hostess, to burrow inside of.
So the next time you find yourself craving one of these wonderful, delicious, fantastic rolls composed of sugary cake surrounding a rich creamy filling, just resist and get some peanuts.
LEGAL: THIS USER HAS NEITHER NOW NOR EVER BEEN UNDER THE EMPLOY OF HOSTESS BRANDS
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