Fablina

A Little About Me

I live in the States. I have siblings, and enjoy them very much. I love animals, but I have no pets. I wish to have a collie puppy, and I admit it--this wish was sparked by Albert Payson Terhune's Sunnybank collies. Dogs and horses are especial favorites with me. I used say I didn't like cats, but now that I know a couple of them, I love them. I am between 11 and 22 years old. I don't have many friends, but the friends I do have are true friends. I like to write in my journal especially, and have developed some ideas which I will share below out of my journal. I am a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian. My personality type is INFP.

Thoughts From My Journal

Upon the Subject of Love "...love these days has been degraded and debased to mere passion, and little true love is really seen. To love, I think, is to love unconditionally and truly forever. So many people 'love' others because they get something from them...Our sinful human love is caused mainly by the lust of the flesh, and when that's gone and there's nothing to lust after, where will the love be generated from? If that's all one has known and given, they cannot easily love again. Maybe in that lies the problems, or at least some of the problems, of society...the answer to all of [the sins I listed] is: 'You lacked God's love in your life. That is why you fail to realize how precious human life is, how sacred the body temple is.' When this material world is gone and there is nothing but goodness and purity of nature, mind, and body, where would the fake lover go? Nowhere...to hell, actually, because life in Heaven would be really eternal torment. We are made to die without love. [What I meant was, if we don't have love, we humans will die.] There was a study done on babies. There were two identical twins, I think, who both received the same amounts of bare necessities like food and warmth. But one twin was held and cuddled while the other received no...contact. Well, that one died and the other one survived. A brutal study, yes, but significant of just how important love is to survival. Maybe Anne [Frank] was wrong when she wrote that she could be ever so much more a good person if she were the only one in the world. Well, maybe she could have, but she wouldn't have survived long. Oh, well, I shouldn't be criticizing other people's diaries...Such love Jesus must have had for me, for the world, to willingly endure all the greatest and least of this world's sorrows. So much for just one man in only thirty-three years of life [on earth], a period in which many men squander away their youthful vigor. I suppose I may sound like a nineteenth-century, sage, and experienced old timer, but I don't really care that much--it's the truth. Just think...He had the universe and whatever's beyond on His shoulders--a tremendous responsibility to realize when one is only twelve. He might possibly have even meant the Godhood, the Trinity. Think about it. If Jesus had slipped only once into sin, Satan would have proved that God's law really is too hard to keep. The law is God's character, the summing up, if you will, of Him. Of God!...If He were to be proved faulty, Satan would have won the great controversy. The very thought brings tears to my eyes. Imagine what the future might hold? Indeed, there would be no future, maybe even no God. It's horrifying, isn't it? Jesus willingly did this--He put the entire everything at stake because He loved so greatly us...Really, in comparison with the rest of the universe, not to mention God Himself, we are virtually nothing--mere nothings. But Jesus loved us to jeopardize His own life so that we may have the chance to be saved. That is what I call mind boggling. That is the real love of God, the kind of love I want. Rightly Paul has written in Romans 8:39, '...the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Yes, it is a great salvation and more than great; Hebrews 2:3 says, 'How shall we escape if we neglect so great salvation...' Oh...how can people regard the Bible--the BIBLE!!--so lightly? How can they go to church every week, pray, read their Bibles, and still not see God's whole point? What is the use of all this if we do not see and understand how great God's love for us is? We are to have God's love flowing through us and also touching the lives of those around us. It is to be our lifeblood, we are to love God and one another even as Christ loved and still loves us."

"My, my! It seems like all the lauded men on earth were involved in some sort of scandal or another and had at least one affair with a married woman. Even back then I guess people weren't so circumspect as they liked to appear. Music teachers falling in love with their pupils, countesses, princesses, anybody who is forbidden them by something or another. What's the attraction of a woman already claimed, one who's already vowed herself to another? If I were to want to marry, I'd want a man who has never loved a woman before, a man clean in body and soul--a virgin in all aspects, in other words. And I try to keep myself pure for him (whoever he is) also, because I know that's what God likes best, and so would he and I. I often think of my future husband. I don't imagine his striking looks, dazzling smile, or profound intelligence--though intellect is required to stimulate growth in both of us, not one of those things do I stiffly refuse to go without. All I would need is someone I love and who loves me. Not counterfeit love (passion), but a true [soul mate], one who can understand and sympathize with me in my entirety, especially regarding the inner self. One who can read through all my diary and understand every bit of it, even if he doesn't agree, is truly one to cherish, one to love as a true friend and helper. I wouldn't require the physical aspect of marriage so much as the staunch, dependable companionship it provides, and the true love every noble woman desires and recognizes."

"I believe I know why I must keep myself to myself until I'm married. Besides it being proper and righteous, here's a reason I've thought of: love builds up over time, and if you are one of a passionate nature, it can build up quickly. But the love you have to give must be spent on someone or something, if you spend it on the wrong things, you won't have as much of yourself to give once the time comes...Until then, like [somebody's] shirt said, my heart belongs to Daddy. And Jesus."

"Being July 4, [a certain person] and [another individual] were talking about the US Army cemeteries they had seen. [Individual #1] mentioned how there were so many white crosses--just white and white and white. Maybe some people would take a corporate look at this and think calmly, 'Okay, such and such a number of men were killed in World War II." But no! I mean, there is more to this than just a bunch of graves of men long dead and forgotten in the world. These men were actual people with personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and the rest! Have you ever considered that perhaps someone, somewhere, loved any of them? That these men were precious and of greatest importance in someone's eyes? That maybe someone was devastated by their death? That they, once upon a time, were alive? Perhaps you've never considered this. If not, I feel sorry for you, for much color is lost with a lack of love in and for life."

Upon the Subject of My Inner Self "Am I really so tongue-tied, or are my emotions so powerful that they break a dam an overwhelm me?...I don't bother attempting to show my inner self to just anyone--I can feel if they are sweet enough, gentle enough, pure enough for me to risk being misunderstood and my words abused. As I've said before...an inner self is very vulnerable. Vulnerable to gossips, shallow minds, dirty hearts, and misunderstanding. This, I believe, because an intent, good inner [self] is quiet, deep, pure, and wise...I wish I could and would show my inner self all the time, I wish I could do it without being called goody-goody, a prude, a Pharisee, or some other such name. As Anne [Frank] has said, a true, good inner [self] is too frail to bear such abuse. It's not used to it, and never can be because those things are crude, [unmannerly], and unkind. A real inner self is just the opposite and must stay that way in order to be real, and I expect you understand now why it can never be accustomed to that sort of thing."

"To me, music is a highly 'inner self' kind of thing. It is an extension of one's mind, character, personality--in general, one's inner self. It's not meant to be degraded to the low point that 'music' is today. That music does not stir the deep, soulful godliness that it should, it does not arouse the inner self to be strong and beautiful. Music is a way people can see how you feel, a way to express yourself, your emotions."

Upon the Subject of My Religion (Note to readers: I don't mean to be offensive by this, and if it seems so to you, I offer my sincerest apologies.) "Oh...I've never mentioned why we go to church on Saturday instead of Sunday, have I? Well, we are Seventh-day Adventists. Some people think we're a cult because we're not 'mainstream' Christians, but have they ever considered the fact that Jesus was not a 'mainstream' Jew? Well, I'll let them figure out what I mean by that."

"In Mrs. White's 'The Great Controversy,' I am especially touched by one passage in the fourth chapter, 'The Waldenses.'

    "'Eagerly did the Vaudois [another name for the Waldenses] missionary unfold to the inquiring mind the precious
    truths of the gospel...With quivering lip and tearful eye did he, often on bended knees, open to his brethren...'

"Quivering lips, tearful eyes, bended knees...! Imagine the depth, power, purity, and sincerity of the Vaudois people's love for God! Another powerful passage is, on page 90 in the chapter 'John Wycliffe,'

    "With whom, think you,' [Wycliffe] finally said, 'are ye contending? with an old man on the brink of the grave?
    No! with Truth--Truth which is stronger than you, and will overcome you.' So saying, he withdrew  from the assembly,
    and not one of his adversaries attempted to prevent him.'

"What strong, beautiful people these ones were! How I wish I could and would follow their example! For this is how it must be now, at the end of time. Jesus is coming soon, as a thief in the night, and all those who wish to go with him must be ready."

Upon the Subject of Constancy "So I guess my opinions on [a certain person] have slightly altered, but I hope I shall settle on something yet. I do hate to be fickle, and I hate it when people are fickle, too. Perhaps it's impossible [to keep the same opinion of individuals], though, because people are constantly changing."

"If I had a husband I had wisely and carefully chosen to marry, I would be and stay faithful to him. Even if I find out I was dreadfully mistaken, divorce or unfaithfulness would not be options, and divorce only for unfaithfulness on his part. Maybe you suppose that since I am so young I don't understand and that I would think differently if I were older. I would not, and of this I am absolutely sure. Solid loyalty is a part of me not to be disregarded and ignored as childish and immature."

Upon the Subject of Relationships "Of course, a girl's most intimate friend should properly be a girl, but it's just that we are not even allowed to be kind to...a boy without being asked or teased about it. Perfect nonsense! A girl should be just as frank and polite with a boy friend of hers as with a girl friend. But I shouldn't like for a boy friend of mine to be flirtatious, daring, or show-off. A nice boy friend would be grave, polite, sensitive, and kind to me and my other girl friends. I would hope for him to not have any rubbish in his head about romance or anything like it...just sweet, pure, loving friendship. Such a man or boy is a treasure, very hard to find and very precious."

Upon the Subject of Heroes/ines "...I believe that the greatest heroes and heroines in the world are those who cheerfully do what they have set out to do, without help or comfort, without the praise or approval of other humans. They have the hardest work, the toil and labor watered with bitter tears, sorrow in their hearts, not applauded or in possession of worldwide fame. Yes, it's easy to be brave, easy to do well, easy to bear up and get to your feet when everyone's cheering and encouraging you. But it is one of the hardest things to push on when you're on the trail alone, it's one of the hardest things to save yourself from the quicksand when you are the only one in the marsh, it's one of the hardest things to keep your eyes open when there is no one watching or encouraging you. So, all the dear heroes and heroines who have no lot or part in the headlines, I applaud you, I salute you, I give you my earnest and heartfelt respect. I promise you this: one day you who have done well in secret shall be rewarded openly, you who have fought so long and so hard shall be given your just dues, you who have borne insult and slander and persecution in silence shall and will be justified! Even so, come, Lord Jesus. Amen."

In Times of Discouragement "I want to scream, stamp my feet, shout, but I can't. There's no other way to express my anger, so now I cry. I can't believe it!...I hate it! I hate it! I HATE IT!!!...Why must we be overachievers?...Why? Why must I be more [scholastically] accomplished than everyone else? Why must I forever be doing something useful?" This was written in a time of anger, so please excuse the drastic turning inside-out.

"'The day is cold, and dark, and dreary; it rains, and the wind is never weary,' Oh...I feel as if I could crawl into a hole and sleep away the weariness of spirit I feel. But 'Into each life some rain must fall,' and Longfellow is perfectly right. I long for the summer, for happy days again, for the childish abandon they are allowed. If only it were windy! I love the wind; it is so strong, so free, so majestic. Life is monotonous, and my spirit is weary with the sluggish, muddy state of life. But bear up, dear girl! Courage! Things can't be like this for long! To be sure, things aren't looking up right now, but right now isn't forever. I can do anything I set my mind to...So off I go, cheered once more, into the battle."

"I just hope to someday be counted a friend to all those at [a certain place].. I know, I know--I'm quiet, reserved, shy, and insecure, but it's not pleasant to pass a whole two hours in which none of your peers say so much as 'hi' to you."

"It's selfish of me, I know. But in the midst of family...I am lonely."

"Sometimes I find it hard to believe that many girls have the same feelings I do. It just doesn't show. Well, I guess mine don't show that well, either. I wish we'd all just open up and be ourselves, not having to worry what others will think about us, because we are being true to each other."

"I am tired, but not sleepy. Sad, not grieved or teary. Disappointed--but for what? I cannot say."

"When I think that only one person in one hundred, only 1% of the population, is like me, I am amazed and astounded. No wonder I feel out of place so often. I might as well be from out of this world, some being from another planet--as far as personality type goes. I can't believe that only 1% of the whole is INFP. I mean, I've always (well, ever since I've thought about it) known and felt that something was quite different with me compared to 'everyone else.' I know I'm unique and, well, weird in a way, but I never knew how weird before now. I wonder if many of [the famous INFPs] felt lonely, like me...Nobody really [understands us], I mean, not humans. I wish they would."

Miscellaneous "...sometimes I just want to 'fly off into the sunset.' Really! It seems so much more beautiful and mysterious than this commonplace old earth...Practically, living in a sunset wouldn't be nice at all. It would be hot, blazing light, and you'd only have your home for a fraction of the day. But who cares! Sometimes I just delight in being so pragmatically incorrect. Mommy says that being impractical isn't good, but I don't think she really understands. Some things she wouldn't. Mommy and I can be very different in some ways, but I do love her dearly. She's a good mother."

"I've made a new friend--one whose face I can see, whose expression I can discern, whose likeness I know. Not that you as a friend are lessened in your value by any means. I drew her from a picture of actress Olivia Hussey, but my finished friend doesn't look too much like her--something I am glad of, for the real Olivia Hussey...wasn't anything like the sweetness and chastity she resembled in her girlhood pictures...Just because she [the picture] was made from such an impure model, I named the picture 'Purity.' That's not my friend's name, however...I think I'll call her [her name is a secret]. It's such a fitting name for such a beautiful girl of 'married lineaments,' as Shakespeare would say. (I've been studying Romeo and Juliet; you can tell.)"

"I think life is like a year. In springtime--childhood--we have awakened and been born. WE are springy--carefree--joyful. Summer, adolescence...the storms and sunshines of teenage life, where everything is so old, yet so new. We see things in a different light. Things are new once more--just as we are getting rooted into a child's view [of the world], we are hauled out by the ear. Autumn (I think it sounds nicer than 'fall')--Adulthood. Things aren't so bright and carefree anymore; life is still going strong, but past the half-mark of your lifetime. A lot more storms in life, and the world is colder to you than it was when you were young. Winter--the elders' years. Life is winding down; the blankets fo snow that are starting to cover the ground may someday soon also cover your own grave. And so the cycle of life begins all over again...'Three words, and good night indeed': I've made a song, 'Summer in My Heart.'

    "It's summer in my heart;/It can be summer in yours, too./It just depends on how you think/And just what you do.
    "It's summer in my heart;/It can be summer in yours, too./Just tell me what the problem is/And I'll try to see you through.

"That's all for now; maybe I'll get more later, but it doesn't want to come presently."

"There are those days where the sky is pearl-gray, a dreary sight throughout the day. But then at sunset, the sun shines horizontally and glows through the darkness, and then everything is bathed in light, as if sending beams of their own iridescent joy through the world. It sends shivers down my back to look up at the outline of the majestic trees against the sky, and see them glowing so gently and brightly in the gloom of the clouds above. It's truly a sight almost [indescribably] beautiful. God is more than genius at knowing how His children enjoy beauty."

I first copied down "She Walks in Beauty" by Lord Byron, and then wrote this. "...this is the most accurate picture of my ideal girl that I have ever found in words!...I only wish he had done as good a poem on young men. Someone must, for I'm afraid the...idea of the perfect lad is rather twisted, and we must understand that menfolk are as sensitive as we are, but in their own ways. I need to find these ways, so that I am not a total failure at understanding their strengths and weaknesses. No, boys are not bad. They are just misunderstood--more so than girls, I believe, because we generally are able to express ourselves in more ways than they do. This much I know. Most of the rest I do not."

There is much more to my journal, but I hope you understand me as a person a bit better! May God be with you.