An Adelaide citizen of no consequence. He enjoys certain recreational activities, and has often, by external parties, and some might say, critics, been described as a "prat" and/or a "boring tit". His party trick is being able to recount every single animated cinematic release by the Walt Disney studios, in chronological order. He lives with his wife and two children in an unknown suburb of Adelaide.
Early Life (May Contain Errors) edit
He was born in a cross hurricane, that was the tumultuous relationship of parents, well to do articulate socialite T. Capote and poet E. Dickinson. His parenting was provided mostly by E. Capote, though when she committed suicide while Ramsden was at the age of 14, his rearing was taken over my nurse L. Dickinson. L was a ardent feminist, and brought up Ramsden to fear and repress his masculinity. As a result, Ramsden found himself, in attempt to satisfy his male needs and urges, which he had taught himself not to understand, in a subconcious fantasy land of his own creation, where he was everything he failed to be in reality. He named his word, Tuffnul, and spent most of his time there.
Romantic Life (May Contain Error) edit
A porn poet, Ramsden struggled to initate and uphold any form of romantic and/or sexual relationships with members of the opposite genders. At first, this did not bother him, as he was content to stroll the meadows of his mind, enjoying the company of the centaurs and faun that occupied low-rent flats and worked as underground artists in Tuffnel. But, unfortunately for Ramsden, his poetic nature was to rear his beautiful head upon his meeting of B.
B was everything that Ramsden had been unable create within him self. An actuality. B, born in a remote and undisclosed french rural village, was from an early age, also a dreamer, but as Ramsden proved, she was not the only one. But to his dismay, she did not return his initial attraction, and a slow burning, slighty psychotic infatuation built up. Being a person of varying temperment, this frustration fuelled Ramsden with inspiration, and he became extraordinarly prolific, having two novels published within the space of six months, "My Life: The Starter Kit" and "Oprah at the Gates of Hell". These are considered his best work.
But as with all great artists, the flight of passion was short lived, and his inspiration dried up. B was still unvailable to him, and this unfulfillment provided him not with a content poetic notion, but a desperate lonliness. He set about an epic poem in her honour. It took him an entire thirteen hours to write. Upon finishing it, he singed it "anon" and posted it through her front door. This action of signing it anonymously has been considered unanimously to be an unwise descision, as B is later quoting as having said "it was such a wonder poem, but i had no idea who it was from. I thought it was a gas bill". The poem was entitled "B-owulf".
It is popular legend that B, that nigth, having read the poem three times, set forth and searched every house in the town in hope of finding her poet. Giving up in vain, she collapsed in the street, where upon Ramsden found her and took her home, sodomised her and nursed her back to health. The actual events were that B, depressed in the pub, was surprised when Ramsden admitted to having written the piece. They married three weeks later, and gave birth to twins, Buttercup Baby and Fergal
Works edit
Ramsden has in actuality produced 6 novels, 3 poetry collections and series of children's stories, though only his first two works are significant.
My Life: The Starter Kit edit
My Life: The Starter Kit, is a semi-autobiographical novel about a middle aged jewish comedy writer living in New York struggling to come to terms with his own mortality. Perhaps the most resonant quote from the book is "Why did i do that? I dont know why i did that. Oh". The narrator, who is considered comparable to such over literary depressives as AA Minle's alcoholic donkey Eeyore, Douglas Adams' Marvin the Paranoid Android and Dougal, the leggless dog, of The Magic Roundabout fame, is called Link, after the magical pixie of Zelda fame, just one of the many pop culture references that litter Ramsden's work.
Oprah at the Gates of Hell edit
Oprah at the Gates of Hell is similarly an semi-autobiographical piece set in three parts, each one symbolising Heaven, Hell and Purgatory, the silent protagonist in the end having to choose which one. The novel is interesting as it is written in series of vingettes, in which the action is described by external objective party, witnessing an event in the story. For example, at one point the protagonist, who also goes nameless, is locked in a fist fight outside a fancy west end club. The action is described by one of the members of crowd watching the fight. The gives the audience an detached effect, so to never really assimilate the protagonist, and therefore remain totally critical of his symbolic significance. The novel was later filmed, starring Johnny Knowville as the protagonist. Critics hailed it as his best work.
Other works by Ramsden are not worth mentioning.
B-Owulf edit
An excerpt from the epic poem: -
"Smile Chum
Don’t be so glum
Don’t be sad
It can’t be that bad
Drink some milk
And find some silk
And I know that you feel it’s all over
But I’ll find you a four leaf clover
Smile Chum
Don’t be so glum
Bethy’s here
My dear"
Bethy being the name of a local lesbian who Ramsden had first met B through. The piece was never officially published, but B sold the original manuscript to the Daily Star for in what sources claim was an amount in excess of $150.
Social Life edit
Ramsden's best friend was an underground intellectual by the name of T Windram. He never achieved any substantial recognition or receiving praise for any of his works.
Quotes edit
A selection of quotes by Ramsden: -
"snow white, pinochio, fantasia, dumbo, bambi, cinderella, song of the south, sleeping beauty, alice in wonderland, peter pan, lady and the tramp, jungle book, 101 dalmations, robin hood, sword in the stone, rescuers, great mouse detective, the black cauldron, little mermaind, beauty and the beast, aladin, lion king, pocohantas, hunchback of notre damne, hercules, mulan, tarzan, emperor's new groove, atlantis, lilo and stitch, brother bear, home on the range, chicken little"
"I love myself"
Unpublished Poem edit
Below is an unpublished, untitled poem, exclusive to this article: -
"Skinny legs, bigger breasts
Is all they want to see
Tiny waists and thinner arms
The opposite of me
The pressure to be perfect
Is slowly closing in
An utter suffocation
That doesn’t seem to end
Society is telling me
Beautiful is thin
And if I choose to starve myself
Perfections what I win
Shoving something down my throat
Will get me what I want
Bring me closer to that goal
Of a body I can flaunt
Society is telling us
Beauty is the prize
Measured in the size or your breasts
In weight and clothing
But let me tell you here and now
No good will come from that
It seems ok at first
But soon becomes a trap
A disease that clouds the mind
And believes what is untrue
Believes your never good enough
No matter what you do
There is one beauty that I know
Its the greatest prize of all
Its learning to accept yourself
Imperfections, flaws, and all
The beauty that really matters
Lies in our heart, our soul, our core
Because when you love what’s inside
You love what’s outside even more"
Bohemian tosspot 06:25, 2 February 2006 (UTC)