Talk:Wheels of Aurelia/GA1

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 22:25, 27 February 2018 (UTC)

• Grabbing this for a review if that is okay with you. Aoba47 (talk) 22:25, 27 February 2018 (UTC)

Lead and infobox

• I do not believe that the references in the lead are necessary. These bits of information should be found and cited within the body of the article.
• In the lead, you say that this is “a driving adventure game”, but in the body of the article, you call it “an interactive story visual novel" and in the infobox, you reference it as adventure game and a visual novel. Please be consistent throughout the entire article as this is very confusing.
• Do you think that it would be worthwhile to have Santa Ragione as a red link?
• This sentence (Wheels of Aurelia is a narrative-driven driving game set in Italy in 1978.) is rather repetitive, as you reintroducing the genre again. I would cut out the front half of the sentence and combine it with the next one (i.e. It tells the story of a woman, Lella, who drives along the Via Aurelia, alongside one or many companions.). You could also safely remove most of the first sentence as the only new information that it presents is that the game is set in 1978.
• Via Aurelia should be in italics.
• In the first sentence of the first paragraph, the name of the game should be in italics.
• I would link “bird’s-eye view”.
• This sentence (From a bird's-eye view, the player controls Lella's vehicle and can select what to say through a branching dialog system.) seems rather disjointed. You go from talking about controlling the vehicle to dialogue choices. It seems rather abrupt and it could be written/presented better.
• For this part “a branching dialog system”, I think you mean “dialogue”.
• For this sentence (On her way across Via Aurelia, she meets hitchhikers who all have their stories intertwined with Lella’s.), I am not a fan of the last half of the sentence (i.e. who all have their stories intertwined with Lella’s). It is rather generic as of course any supporting character who meets a lead character in any work of fiction can be described as this. I would either specify that part or remove it altogether.
• I have a few suggestions for this sentence (Whilst every run of the game is fairly short, the game offers sixteen different endings.). I do not believe the “every run of” is needed as you can just say “Whilst the game is fairly short” to have the same meaning. I would also exchange the second instance of “the game” with “it”. Also, all numbers over ten need to shown as numerals according to Wikipedia policy.
• For the phrase “arcade game”, the “arcade” part does not need to be capitalized.
• There are several issues with your mentioning of Il Sorpasso. First, it needs to be in italics and introduced as a film with the year in which it was released. The information about the film is also not even present in the body of the article.
• The lead seems to be missing a lot of information from the body of the article. I would incorporate information from the “Development” and “Reception” sections for instance.
• Please include ALT text for the infobox image. Please make sure that all of the images in the body of the article have ALT text.
• For the publisher parameter of the infobox, you do not need to include the person’s full name and can use only the last name as it can be assumed from the developer parameter.

Plot

• This section should be first so please move it up as the first section of the article.
• There is not reason to have characters’ names in italics.
• I am not entirely sure what is meant by this part (who stops in a nightclub to find someone to take her away.), specifically the “to find someone to take her away”. I think more context is needed here.
• This sentence (Finding Olga, who accompanies her for the trip, both looking to leave the highly political and dangerous Italy for France for different reasons.) needs major revision and to be completely rewritten from the ground up as it is very poorly constructed.
• A lot of the first paragraph seems rather abrupt. I would try to make the information flow more smoothly.
• Please spell out the NPC acronym in full on the first use in the article. You can use the acronym later on, but you need to define the terminology first.
• The phrase “cut scene” should be “cutscene”.
• For this sentence (The player can visit: Rome, Civitavecchia, Bracciano, Piombino, Siena and Viareggio during the trip, but only certain places per playthrough.), the colon is not needed.
• For this part (When reaching a new location, a cut scene will play, with dialogue,), I do not see why the “with dialogue” part is particularly interesting or important. A lot of cutscenes have dialogue so it is not really noteworthy.
• This sentence (The player may choose to change those that are in the car with them, ditch hitchhikers, and even the vehicle that Lella is driving at these locations, purely on the dialogue choice given.) is very rough and needs revision.
• Make sure that the game’s title is always in italics.
• For this part (Wheels of Aurelia explores many topics; ranging from single parents, fascism to the Mafia.), the semicolon is misused.
• This sentence (Experiences of the game can range from a car race against a stranger, to robbing a bank.) needs a citation.
• The screenshot from the “Development” section would seem more appropriate for this section.

Gameplay

• This phrase (an interactive story visual novel) is super repetitive. A visual novel by definition is an interactive story. And there is still the confusion on how you identify this as a lot of different genres.
• Unlink the phrase “sports car” and the word “sports” should not be capitalized. Please make sure that ideas are only linked once in the body of the article and only during its first instance.
• Something about the phrase (As the travelling progresses,) reads awkwardly. Maybe “As the journey/trip/drive progresses” would work better.
• This section like the entire article (I will make a larger note about this in my final comments) needs revision to read better.

Development

• I am confused by this sentence (Wheels of Aurelia was developed with a "unique" system in place, where a specific topic is tied within the code of the game, setting certain interactions to effect later events.). It does not sound “unique” at all as that sounds like a rather standard if not basic aspect of a visual novel?
• More context for this part (Double Fine's Studio's Anna Kipnis) is needed as I was left very confused.
• As with the other section, this section requires a lot of copy-editing so I will not list everything that needs work.

Reception

• This section does not appear to have a strong structure. Please look at this resource (Wikipedia:Copyediting reception sections) to better structure this section as a whole.

See also

• I do not see how this section is necessary. Via Aurelia is already discussed and linked in the body of the article. You do not cite the proposed influence from Il Sorpasso in the body of article. The second comment also applies to OutRun.

Notes

• You need a source to support this (A likely parody of Wikipedia, due to the informational tone). Same for this (The player has the option at all times to stay silent, as with similar games such as The Walking Dead), specifically the reference to The Walking Dead.

External links

• Remove the MobyGames link as it is unreliable.

Final comments

• Starting on a positive note, I want to thank you for introducing me to this game, and I will definitely check it out. It sounds very fascinating. On a more negative note, this article needs more work in my opinion to reach the GA standard. I would place a request at the WikiProject Guild of Copy Editors. There are also issues with the structure of the article as the “Plot” section needs to be moved up. Good luck with this, but I will have to ✗ Fail this as I believe there are just too many errors in the prose for me to continue reviewing this. Aoba47 (talk) 23:19, 27 February 2018 (UTC)

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.