Talk:USS Oberrender/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: AustralianRupert (talk · contribs) 01:22, 21 November 2018 (UTC)

I will take a look at this article. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 01:22, 21 November 2018 (UTC)

General comments: G'day, Kges, nice work. I have a few suggestions to (hopefully) help take this through to GA and beyond. Happy to discuss any you disagree with. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 02:34, 21 November 2018 (UTC)

• in the lead, attack in early May: suggest adding "1945" here

• Done

• suggest adding mention of the ship's namesake to the body of the article, as it only appears in the lead and infobox

• Done

• suggest adding something to the lead about when the ship was laid down, launched and commissioned

• Done

• some of the conversions in the body and infobox are slightly inconsistent: e.g. the length and displacement figures

• Fixed. It was a significant figure conversion issue.

• the draft figures seem very different: "draft of 20 feet 6 inches (6.2 m)" v. "9 ft 5 in (2.9 m)"

• Fixed. I incorrectly used the depth from the Friedman book.

• "DE-344" appears in the lead and infobox, but isn't mentioned in the body of the article

• Done

• the first paragraph of the Design section is a single sentence. I wonder if this could be expanded a little, with maybe a brief sentence or two on the context of the class, i.e. why was it introduced? Was it in response to some issue, or emergency, etc. Obviously the majority of this detail would be more relevant to the class article, but a little bit of context here probably doesn't hurt as the article isn't too long

• Expanded a little from Friedman.

• wikilink officer and enlisted if there are relevant articles

• Done

• to protected against surface --> "to protect against surface"

• Done

• The destroyer escort was equipped with QC series sonar: did it also have radar?

• Yes, but I can't find which one.

• Done.

• Later that month, she conducted training, completed her fitting out at the Todd Galveston Dry Docks, and was depermed before sailing on 28 May where she conducted shakedown after arrival on 3 June, attached to Task Group 23.1 (the Bermuda training formation) of the Atlantic Fleet...: I wonder about splitting this sentence. For instance, maybe this might work: "Throughout the month she conducted further training and completed her fitting out at the Todd Galveston Dry Docks. Oberrender was then depermed before sailing for Bermuda on 28 May. After arrival on 3 June, the ship undertook a shakedown cruise attached to Task Group 23.1, the Bermuda training formation of the Atlantic Fleet"?

• Rephrased. I agree that flows better.

• wikilink Shakedown cruise

• Done

• post-shakedown availability: what does "availability" mean in this context?

• Parenthetically explained. This is jargon, any suggestions for rephrasing?

• arriving at Seeadler Harbor there five...: delete "there"

• Done

• being detached to escort the escort carriers: is there any way to reduce the repetition of "escort" here?

• Rephrased.

• remained anchored in Seeadler Harbor, and on 10 November was anchored: same as above for "anchored"?

• Done

• Task Force 79 of Seventh Fleet --> "Task Force 79 of the Seventh Fleet" or "the Seventh Fleet's Task Force 79"?

• Done

• departed for the Invasion of Lingayen Gulf: lower case "invasion" as it isn't really a proper noun, IMO

• Done

• which killed eight and wounded 53: the DANFS source says "Twenty-four Sailors were killed, wounded, or listed as missing..." Is it Morison p. 268 that provides the eight and 53 figure? If so, I suggest maybe adding a note clarifying that sources disagree about casualties

• Morison agrees with the captain's after-action report, so that is why I included it, as well as being more specific with exact number of KIA and WIA. Have added a footnote.

• her hulk was sunk by gunfire on 6 November 1945: the lead says she was used as a target, so I suggest tweaking the body to include this. Potentially this might work: "her hulk was used as a target for gunnery practice, and was sunk on 6 November 1945"?

• See below.

• Stripped of all worthwhile equipment, her hulk was sunk by gunfire on 6 November 1945: suggest reworking this as it is word for word from the DANFS source, and while that is PD, I think it is best to avoid using their wording where possible

• Rephrased accordingly.

• same as above for forces pushed closer to the Japanese Home Islands

• Done.

• "File:Aerial view of USS Mindanao (ARG-3) after the explosion of USS Mount Hood (AE-11) at Seeadler Harbor on 10 November 1944.jpg": the caption for this image is probably unnecessarily long. Suggest trimming it a bit.

• Substantially trimmed to make it only relevant to Oberrender.

• in the Bibliography, "Ancestry.com" is overlinked

• See below.

• in the Bibliography, the title of the Morison work should use title case capitalisation

• Done

• in the Bibliography, the Destroyer Escort Photo Archive link doesn't appear to be specifically cited, so it would probably be better placed in the External links section

• I have inline cited navsource for the ribbons, solving that problem.

• in the Awards section, the DANFS ref supports the three battle stars, but I couldn't see where it supports the ribbons?

• That is supported by navsource, however. Have added accordingly.

• images seem appropriately licenced as US government/Navy works (no action required)
• the Earwig tool reports copyright violations as unlikely: [1] (no action required)
• regarding the War diary source, would the publisher in fact be the US Navy rather than Ancestry.com? I suggest changing this, and then using the "|via= " parameter for Fold3 AustralianRupert (talk) 05:53, 21 November 2018 (UTC)

• Done. Kges1901 (talk) 15:09, 21 November 2018 (UTC)

• Changes look good to me. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 23:51, 21 November 2018 (UTC)

Criteria:

• It is reasonably well written.

  a (prose): b (MoS):

• It is factually accurate and verifiable.

  a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):

• It is broad in its coverage.

  a (major aspects): b (focused):

• It follows the neutral point of view policy.

  a (fair representation): b (all significant views):

• It is stable.

  No edit wars etc.:

• It contains images, where possible, to illustrate the topic.

  a (tagged and captioned): b (Is illustrated with appropriate images): c (non-free images have fair use rationales): d public domain pictures appropriately demonstrate why they are public domain:

• Overall:

  a Pass/Fail: