Talk:To the Last Man (Torchwood)/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Ajmint (talk · contribs) 19:38, 24 September 2012 (UTC)

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

1. Is it reasonably well written?

   A. Prose quality:

   Should be of decent quality once the spelling/grammar/formatting comments below have been addressed.

   B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:

2. Is it factually accurate and verifiable?

   A. References to sources:

   B. Citation of reliable sources where necessary:

   C. No original research:

3. Is it broad in its coverage?

   A. Major aspects:

   B. Focused:

4. Is it neutral?

   Fair representation without bias:

5. Is it stable?

   No edit wars, etc:

6. Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?

   A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:

   B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:

7. Overall:

   Pass or Fail:

   See notes below.

This is my first review; I apologise if not all of the points below are necessary for GA, but at least they will help to improve the article even more, and they should all be easy enough to implement if you agree with them.

There are quite a few issues, and the prose is of low quality in some places. I have produced a fairly extensive list of changes needed, with some additional advice and best practices thrown in. I will put this article on hold until most of them can be resolved.

Lead

• "by BBC Two": I would say "on BBC Two"
• "The epiosde" begins two sentences in the first paragraph: perhaps change the second to "It", or reword to passive ("X were featured")
• The sentence about Helen Raynor in the second paragraph (covering plot) could be moved to the third, which is more about production/reception
• Link cowardice?
• "World War One" to "World War I", and capitalise "First World War"
• "time-slips" could be linked
• "fallen in love with" would be more formal and clear than "fallen for"
• "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe when not a contraction

Plot

• "(Anthony Lewis" is missing a closing bracket
• "During 1918" sounds weird, just "In 1918" will do
• "grow closer, and after an afternoon", or replace comma with semicolon
• I would change "Tommy's duty" to "Tommy's return"
• I would change first sentence of third paragraph to: "After spending the night together, Tosh and Tommy return to the hospital as the disruptions intensify, accompanied by Jack." to avoid using three commas.
• "and through Tommy, Jack relays instructions for them to" to "Jack relays instructions through Tommy to" and remove comma before it
• "Jack briefs Tommy on using the Rift Key before he steps"
• I would use a semicolon before "he is unable to operate", and not start a new sentence
• "recognize" should be spelled with an 's' (British English)
• I would join the third-last and second-last sentences: "the Rift Key, and the distortions"

Production – Writing

• "Torchwood series two" to "the second series of Torchwood"
• "provided by James Goss": did he write it, or find it?
• "bbc.co.uk" to "BBC Online"
• "The short document detailed a man": no need to say "short" twice
• "a man whom Torchwood would defrost"
• "Something else which inspired Raynor was" to "Raynor was also inspired by" or "X also inspired Raynor"
• The article uses both "shellshock" and "shell-shock"; I would spell it with a space ("shell shock") and use "shell-shocked" as the adjective, but just make sure it's consistent
• Hyphen used as a dash. I think a comma works better there, anyway
• I would unquote "human condition", and link it
• "hasn't" to "has not", or use a direct quote
• "Director Andy Goddard felt that a scene in which Tommy"
• Link Iraq War?
• "During the episode_ Jack suggests that" I would put a comma where my underscore is
• Link desertion?

Production – Filming and effects

• Link Adam
• I would say "It was originally intended to be the fourth episode to be transmitted"
• "were recorded on 9 May 2006 between heavy rainfall, and marked"
• "also filmed this day" to "also filmed on that day"
• "The episode's final scene, which shows Toshiko and Owen looking out over [link] Cardiff Bay, was recorded on 10 May."
• Link pool?
• Bit about the time-shift off-screen has two opening quotes at different positions; delete one
• "the biggest wind machine I've ever seen in my life"

Broadcast and reception

• Wrong episode title! I hope nothing else has been accidentally left in after copying from another article
• All times should be written as "9 pm" or "9:00 pm" with a non-breaking space ( ) and a colon rather than a dot per MOS:TIME (not required)
• Link Doctor Who
• Wrong "it's" again
• Comma after "spin-offs"
• "pre-watershed edition": I would say "version", and mention that it was edited when talking about the repeat in the previous sentence
• "January 31st 2008" to "31 January 2008"
• Comma before "amounting"

Broadcast and reception – Critical reception

• There is a spaced em-dash and a hyphen as a dash: I would remove the spaces around all dashes in the article and switch them to em, to ensure consistency per MOS:DASH (not required)
• "as an indicator of the show's flexibility"
• The citations for the critics are pretty clear of the multiple sentences they cover, so they are fine where they are
• Comma after "However"
• Comma after "Sleeper" and quote mark
• "Gwen whom he felt to be"
• Comma after "figure of hate" and quote mark
• I would say "a "monster-of-the-week" X-Files episode" or "a "monster-of-the-week" episode of The X-Files"
• Wikiquote box could be changed to {{wikiquote|Torchwood#To the Last Man [2.3]|"To the Last Man"}} for specific episode

Additional

• Alt text could be added to the images (not required); I have written some:
  • A man in a soldier's uniform looking anguished, and an Asian woman looking at him, concerned.
  • A man with a moustache wearing an army uniform and decorated cap.
  • A pier beneath a cloudy sky, with a large white and green building and some smaller huts on it.

Response

Thank you for the very comprehensive review. I'd rather tackle as many problems as possible rather than just do the minimum to get a courtesy pass. Some of your suggestions might also come in useful when editing other articles. think that I have tackled everything, although if there are any remaining issues please do not hesitate to point them out.

(NB: I've decided that I prefer "shellshock" and "shell-shocked]] for consistency) Eshlare (talk) 09:48, 25 September 2012 (UTC)

Further comments

Lead

• In the image caption, change "World War One" to "World War I" or "First World War"
• I would maybe say "the British science fiction television series"
• "first two series'": series shouldn't have an apostrophe after it

Plot

• Comma after "afternoon in the pub"
• I would change the semicolon to a colon after "when Tommy will be needed"
• "and prevent any disaster" to "to prevent disaster"
• "and is led back to his bed by nurses"

Writing

• "fictional" is used twice in a sentence: perhaps reword?
• "the first series" will do, no need to repeat the show's name
• "World War One" to "World War I" or "First World War"
• Do you need to include the actress of a character who does not appear in this episode?
• Link the premiere episode?
• Comma before "actress Naoko Mori"

Broadcast and reception

• On second thoughts, just "the fourth episode transmitted" sounds better, to avoid two "to be"s
• Link watershed?
• The dash after "characterisation of Toshiko" has a space after it
• Unquote "a "monster-of-the-week" episode of The X-Files" if they weren't the exact words used

References

• Remove the extra space at the bottom

Otherwise looking good, and once most are resolved, I will be happy to pass. Thanks, ajmint (talk•edits) 15:29, 26 September 2012 (UTC)

Pass; thank you. ajmint (talk•edits) 18:41, 27 September 2012 (UTC)