Talk:Prince Oana

GA Review

This review is transcluded from Talk:Prince Oana/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Seattle (talk · contribs) 19:53, 8 August 2014 (UTC)

I will review this soon. Seattle (talk) 19:53, 8 August 2014 (UTC)

• No dead links, watch DAB links

• The lead inadequately summarizes his life
  • I don't see a need to list all the minor league teams he has played for.

• • More MLB statistics would be beneficial, as that's where MLB players derive their notability, especially as a pitcher and outfielder.

• • No mention of the "early years" section

• • No mention of the "Vision problems and later years" section

• I would much prefer that the "Hawaiian heritage and nickname" and "Reputation as a playboy" be merged into a "personal life" section.

• for Detroit Tigers in 1943 and 1945. article needed

• The quote parameter would work best for reference 19

• File:Prince Oana 1932 Zeenut PCL card.jpg: I would list the author as "Uncredited".

Those are my initial thoughts. I will go into greater detail when the broad issues have been addressed. Seattle (talk) 15:00, 9 August 2014 (UTC)

Issues mostly fixed, thanks for the review. Yeah I didn't like the lead as written so I had no problem redoing that. Only thing I didn't change is the heritage section, since I like that being in the playing career, since it gives a nice look at him while breaking up the career for a lay reader. I did move the playboy part to the personal life section, so that's available if you still disagree. Wizardman 01:34, 13 August 2014 (UTC)

OK, I can see the reason in that, and it's chronological. Progressing:

• the site of the former Oahu Sugar Company plantation, in either 1908 or 1910, although most evidences indicate the later date as his birth year. Baseball-Reference makes no mention of either the "Oahu Sugar Company plantation" or the alternate birth year, or those "most evidences"

• who later worked as a bookkeeper at the sugar plantation and later two "laters" too close.

• Oana was a boy when the Oahu Sugar Strike of 1920 resulted in the deaths of more than 150 persons so what? What's the connection?

• According to some accounts, Ty Cobb, who was himself barnstorming in Japan, could you be more specific than "some accounts"? Can you link or explain "barnstorming" somewhere?

• Ultimate, "[h]e found → "ultimately"

• Oana compiled impressive batting averages rmv "impressive"

• He also totaled 29 home runs, 63 doubles, and 11 triples in 686 at bats during the 1933 season.[11] Oana also reportedly led the Pacific Coast League in 1933 with 163 RBIs. Combine, and we doesn't Baseball Reference keep a record of that?

• Perhaps hoping to avoid having to pay Portland the full $20,000 purchase price if Oana stayed for the season sounds like OR if that's only referenced to Baseball-Reference

• Are the first bits in the "Hawaiian heritage and nickname" covered by The Sporting News reference?

• as some suggested that a full-blooded "Kanaka" can you link "Kanaka" somewhere?

• In the end, the lure of billing Oana as a full-blooded Hawaiian prince proved irresistible. I would remove that sentence entirely, that seems like OR

• Is the first paragraph of "Atlanta Crackers" referenced by "Cy Kritzer (July 31m 1946)." Watch that "m" too...

• Finding no interest from major league clubs after an impressive 1934 season in Atlanta I would remove "impressive", I think that's a WP:PEACOCK term.

• Can you mention the positions he played for Atlanta?

• While in Jackson, he became one of the best power hitters in the Southeastern League. A lot of PEACOCKs here.

• he became a sensation again, if someone called him a sensation, that's fine to quote with a reference, but saying it alone isn't.

• However, baseball commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis ruled that Oana was a free agent since the Texas League had disbanded. reference?

• Oana played a key role same as the "sensation" bit

• His only major league game as a starting pitcher was on September 12, 1945, against the Philadelphia Athletics. Oana allowed one hit through you can combine these two, use a colon

• He got off to a hot start no

• player manager hyphened above

• Beau Brummel link somewhere?

• Don't just link years in the lead per WP:EGG

• A note on his Hawaiian heritage and nickname would be contextual in the lead.

• DUP detector checks out. Seattle (talk) 18:55, 13 August 2014 (UTC)

  I think I got everything now. Atlanta I didn't add the position though since he was an outfielder from his start to the pitching conversion in the 40s, so it wouldn't have changed. Wizardman 22:53, 16 August 2014 (UTC)

• If you could link "barnstorming" somewhere, that would be great. Seattle (talk) 23:57, 16 August 2014 (UTC)

  Done Wizardman 03:19, 17 August 2014 (UTC)