Talk:Organization XIII/GA3

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: PresN (talk · contribs) 14:09, 4 July 2016 (UTC)

Starting to review... --PresN 14:09, 4 July 2016 (UTC)

Lead

• The lead just seems... anemic. It doesn't cover concept and creation, nor discusses the "14th" member. Also, I'm allergic to 1 / 2-sentence paragraphs.

Concept

• "As of the end of Dream Drop Distance, the names of the Organization members' original selves are all known" - when was this? Like, is that the latest game? What year?
• "In terms of good and evil, Nomura tried to portray the characters ambiguously" - awkwardly phrased. "Nomura tried to portray the characters ambiguously, rather than explicitly good or evil."
• I think you're going to need to list out the games the organization appears in, since you keep name dropping them.

@PresN: like a real list? Or subheadings? Want to get a sense of how to tackle this.

I guess a list of titles would be awkward; maybe just put in that series timeline template from the series article in this section, and move the concept art down to Members. --PresN 03:18, 5 July 2016 (UTC)

• The last two sentences are unreferenced

Members

• If you're going to use the terms Heartless and Nobodies, then the explanation of them needs to be not in a note in the lead but in the article text (and referenced)
• The last few sentences are unreferenced.

Xemnas

• "is the Nobody of Xehanort though he uses an anagram of his stolen alias Ansem with an "X" added for his name" - you've already talked about the X thing, so "is the Nobody of Xehanort, though his name is based on his alias Ansem."
• "Xemnas takes advantage of the Sleeping Worlds to mess with Sora" - to "mess with"?
• about half this section is unreferenced

Will continue later. Note that there seems to be a lot going forward that is unreferenced. --PresN 17:53, 4 July 2016 (UTC)

Looks like a lot of it is plot summary, so I'll just call out when it seems more important to have a reference.

Xigbar

• paragraph 2 is short, and has tense problems
• "smirking" is a weird verb to use, and that sentence is muddled

Xaldin

• "set backs" -> setbacks

Vexen

• Starting here, the voice actors are listed at the start of the section, instead of the end; this should be consistent. I like having them at the start, though, so maybe just adjust Xaldin, Xigbar, and Xemnas
• It seems like all of the dead members get rezzed as the full person in DDD? This should be mentioned in the Members section (with reference), and not repeated in each member's section

Axel

• "Upon learning the truth that she is a Replica, Axel reluctantly hides it from Roxas while being forced in hunting down Xion" - grammar
• "Once learning the truth, Roxas left the Organization to Axel's dismay" - followed by tense

Luxord

• "Cheshrie Cat"
• "Shortly after, he laments his subordination to the Organization to Roxas" - the double-to makes this hard to parse

Roxas

• This section starts by recapping terms like it's the first section, not the 15th, including links that should be way higher up the page
• It seems like this one is just a copy of the lead from his article? The format is different from the others, and there's no references. I'd like it to be a little bit longer to give a better overview of his character arc, and not just rely on the main article
• "Since his first cameo in the series, director Tetsuya Nomura has stated that Roxas is an important character to the series" - awkward repetition, and written like a pre-KH2 article, not one games and games later

Xion

• "Zion is an original character created by Tetsuya Nomura" - Zion? And aren't they all original characters?
• Should be more clear that she was specific to 358/2, as opposed to also KH2 like most of the others
• The voice actors are unreferenced

Reception

• "The obscure nature of the Organization's activities throughout Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories and Kingdom Hearts II have led reviewers" - just "led", the tense is wrong
• "These interrogatives surrounding the group have created expectation" - wut
• "the writer praises the "Facedown" Reaction Command" - tense
• Actually, the whole second paragraph is a game guide about which boss fights are harder... some of it could be salvaged, but that's not really reception on the characters vs. the gameplay around them
• "Jeff Haynes of IGN felt that Roxas was a "likable kid", Ron Fahey of Eurogamer concurred" - needs a transition word or semicolon, not just a comma
• The last paragraph is odd- it claims that the various members got varied reception, but only mentions Roxas and Xion. It either needs to claim less or have more content. Preferably more content; I'm surprised that Axel didn't have anything, for one.
• Honestly, I'm a little underwhelmed by this section after the lengthy plot repetitions of the characters- I almost feel like if no more reception is out there that maybe this article should be cut and the development section merged into the series article. The characters that are individually notable have their own articles, and it feels like most of the 13 are just tacked-on minibosses without much substance, in turn giving the article length without any real content.

References

• There's a bunch of citations to Hollinger et. al., but no listed source.

Alright, placing on hold. --PresN 19:50, 5 July 2016 (UTC)

@Judgesurreal777: It's been a couple weeks; you still on this? --PresN 20:36, 20 July 2016 (UTC)

@PresN:, yeah, sorry I got really bogged down and haven't had any Wikitime lately. Let me see what I can do, but I really want to push through the three GA's I said I'd review first, they have also been waiting. Might have bitten off a bit too much, but i'll get it done. Judgesurreal777 (talk) 20:41, 20 July 2016 (UTC)

@Judgesurreal777: No worries, just wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten about it. --PresN 20:44, 20 July 2016 (UTC)

@PresN: I am not going to be able to fix these issues at this time, life has gotten very busy, so we should probably just close this review. Thanks for the thoroughness, I'm sure it'll be GA again someday. Judgesurreal777 (talk) 21:04, 6 August 2016 (UTC)

@JudgeSurreal777: Okay, closing. Are you going to be able to do the Commander Keen in Keen Dreams review, or should I delete the nom subpage there? --PresN 18:52, 7 August 2016 (UTC)