Talk:IPhone/GA1

GA Review

GA review (see here for criteria)

1. It is reasonably well written.

   a (prose): b (MoS):

2. It is factually accurate and verifiable.

   a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):

3. It is broad in its coverage

   a (major aspects): b (focused):

4. It follows the neutral point of view policy.

   a (fair representation): b (all significant views):

5. It is stable.
6. It contains images, where possible, to illustrate the topic.

   a (tagged and captioned): b (lack of images does not in itself exclude GA): c (non-free images have fair use rationales):

7. Overall:

   a Pass/Fail:

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Lead

• device does not have a physical keyboard, so a virtual keyboard..

Run-on.

• The iPhone's functions include those...

You can re-word this.

Take out "those" and "in addition"

Take out "It is..." syntax.

Take out semi-colon in lead, and capitalize "The" when breaking sentence.

Second paragraph.

• Preceded by rumors and speculation that circulated for several months...
• Apple announced the iPhone on January 9, 2007.

hyperlink United States

comma after 2007

combine sentences above

"Invention of the Year"

I fail to see how that first item is a run-on, but I've tried to fix as much as the other stuff as possible. I'll work through the rest of this list over the next few days.HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 00:14, 28 December 2008 (UTC)

The history section needs to be immediately after the lead.

Hardware

Screen and Interface

• d. A stylus
• move the content itself
• of a wheel.: The wheel.
• There are other visual effects, such as horizontally sliding sub-selections and co-selections from right and left, vertically sliding system menus from the bottom (e.g. favorites, keyboard), and menus and widgets that turn around to allow settings to be configured on their back sides.

Can reword sentence.

• "A software update"

transition word needs to be here: "Next, a ..."

• to use cell towers and Wi-Fi networks to locate itself despite lacking a hardware GPS

"for location"?

• The iPhone 3G includes A-GPS, but also uses cell towers and Wi-Fi for location finding.
• A single "home" hardware button below the display brings up the main menu.

Might need to put, "below the display" at the front of the sentence for clarity.

• Subselections are made via the touchscreen.

The touchscreen can make subselections ?

• Detailed pages display the equivalent of a "Back" button, to return returning to the parent menu.
• The iPhone has three physical switches on its the sides: wake/sleep, volume up/down, and ringer on/off.
• It also comes in white exclusively for the 16GB model.

This can be reworded.

Done.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 01:29, 3 January 2009 (UTC)

Battery

• The iPhone features a built-in rechargeable battery that is not user-replaceable, similar to existing iPods, which is not user-replacable. , but dissimilar to most existing cellular phones.
• If the battery prematurely reaches the end of its life, malfunctions or dies prematurely, the phone can be returned to Apple and replaced for free, while still in warranty.[21] The warranty is...
• The cost of having Apple provide a new battery and replace it an iPhone battery without warranty is when the iPhone is out of warranty is, in the United States, US$79 and US$6.95 for shipping.[22]
  • Done. Also complies with Wikipedia:NOPRICES.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 01:53, 3 January 2009 (UTC)

SIM Card

• The SIM card is located in a slot at the top of the device, which can be ejected with a paperclip or a SIM card ejection tool which is included with the iPhone 3G.

Wordy. miranda 00:09, 29 December 2008 (UTC)

The slot can be ejected? Not anymore. Fixed. HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 02:17, 29 December 2008 (UTC)

Storage

The iPhone was initially released with two options for internal storage size; either: a 4 GB or 8 GB flash drive both manufactured by Samsung) model was available. On September 5, 2007, Apple announced they were discontinuing the 4 GB models.[30] On February 5, 2008, Apple announced the addition of a released the 16 GB model to the iPhone iPhone's lineup.[31] The iPhone does not contain any memory card slots for expanded extra storage.

Done--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 22:30, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

Included items

• Seems like an advertising ploy; This section needs to be in prose form. miranda 00:13, 29 December 2008 (UTC)

Done.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 22:30, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

Software

• iPhone OS is based
  • If we did that (instead of "it"), three consecutive sentences would begin with "iPhone OS".--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 18:52, 2 January 2009 (UTC)

Ever heard of variety? Many ways exist in forming a sentence. miranda 09:16, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

• for the interface's smooth
• less than half a gigabyte (GB) of the device's storage
• It The iPhone is capable of supporting bundled and future Apple applications from Apple, as well as applications written by third-party developers and published through the iTunes Store. applications. The iPhone's Software applications cannot simply be copied from Mac OS X, but and have to be written and compiled specifically for the iPhone. miranda 01:07, 29 December 2008 (UTC)
• Why is the iPhone (store) hyperklinked?
• What were the effects of A lawsuit has been filed against Apple and AT&T by Klausner Technologies Inc. claiming the iPhone's visual voicemail feature infringes two patents.[57][dead link]? Any decisions?
  • Removed as unsourced. Other issues have been addressed.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 18:52, 2 January 2009 (UTC)

iPhone

• The iPhone allows audio conferencing, call holding, call merging, caller ID, and integration with other cellular network features and iPhone functions. Voice dialing and video calling are not supported by the iPhone. - both versions or just one version?
  • I think that it's apparent from the context that software features are identical on both models. I'll make a not of it at the beginning of the section.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 18:52, 2 January 2009 (UTC)
• Redundant sentences which are passive, not active:
  • "can be 3 to 30 seconds in length"
  • "for a fee equivalent to the price of a song on iTunes"

for a fee equivalent to an iTunes song

• • It is not yet available in all countries where the iPhone has been released.

Ringtones are not available in all countries which iPhones are available.

• Done.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 18:52, 2 January 2009 (UTC)

Multimedia

• Several broken sentences which need to be incorporated into the paragraph.
• Some sections are unsourced.
• As before, redundant sentences.
  • The iPhone supports neither Flash[74] nor Java technology
  • Consequently, the UK's Advertising Standards Authority banned an advertisement for the iPhone for false advertising because it incorrectly claimed that it could access "all parts of the internet". - wordy
  • Apple developed an iPhone application for accessing Google's maps service in map, satellite, or hybrid form, a list of search results, or directions between two locations, while providing optional real-time traffic information.

Kind of confusing. Need to break up into two sentences. miranda 10:39, 2 January 2009 (UTC)

• Still needs sources, but most of the phrasing has been fixed. [1] --HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 18:52, 2 January 2009 (UTC)

Internet connectivity

• This section doesn't flow well, because everything is mushed together.
• Internet access is available when the iPhone is connected to a local area Wi-Fi or a wide area GSM or EDGE network, both second-generation (2G) wireless data standards. - wordy
• Apple began "rolling" out. - "producing"?
• What's UTMS and EDGE, and HSDPA mean? I think you should spell out acronyms because people might get confused due to "alphabet soup".

Unfortunately, the full terms are not very helpful. I will try to emphasize the important points, the distinction between 2G and 3G.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 00:12, 10 January 2009 (UTC)

• Steve Jobs...in 2007...kind of not transitional, especially after the 2004 quote
• By default, the iPhone will ask to join newly discovered Wi-Fi networks and prompt for the password when required, while also supporting manually joining closed Wi-Fi networks. - wordy
• The ubiquitous Internet connection offered by the iPhone has been widely utilized by users. - wordy
• Second paragraph does not flow correctly.
• The iPhone is able to access the World Wide Web via a modified version of the Safari web browser.

The Safari web browser can be used to access the internet on the iPhone.

• Repetitive sentences:

According to Google, the iPhone generates 50 times more search requests than any other mobile handset.[68] According to Deutsche Telekom CEO René Obermann, "The average Internet usage for an iPhone customer is more than 100 megabytes.

• I think the controversial statement on the internet should be placed in the beginning or the end.

These statistics are now last in the section.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 00:12, 10 January 2009 (UTC)

• The maps application can access Google Maps in map, satellite, or hybrid form. It(?) can also generate directions between two locations, while providing optional real-time traffic information.

I think "it" refers to the "maps application" clearly enough.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 00:12, 10 January 2009 (UTC)

• Spell out numbers (thirty for "30" and fifty for "50")

Raw data should be numerical (1.4 Mbp/s), but yes, something like "thirty Starbuckses appeared on the screen" should be verbal. However, I can't find an incorrectly numerical value. Can you be more specific?--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 00:12, 10 January 2009 (UTC)

• Support for walking directions, public transit, and street view was added in a later update

Which update?

• During the product's announcement, Jobs demonstrated

The iPhone's? miranda 02:31, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

Done, except where noted above.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 00:12, 10 January 2009 (UTC)

Text

• Use iPhone on the initial introduction of a paragraph.
• The predictive word capabilities have been integrated with the dynamic virtual keyboard so that users will not have to be extremely accurate when typing—i.e. touching the edges of the desired letter or nearby letters on the keyboard will be predictively(sp?) corrected when possible. The keys are somewhat larger and spaced farther apart when in landscape mode, which is currently available using the Safari web browser and certain third-party applications with Landscape Mode support.

Wordy. miranda 02:40, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

• The virtual keyboard can accommodate 21 languages, including character recognition for Chinese.[78]

Needs to be incorporated earlier. miranda 02:41, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

Done.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 02:56, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

Camera and photos

• "located on the beach" - take out and put on the next sentence.
• "it" - the camera

Again, I feel the antecedent, if not implied by the grammar, is by common sense.

• "The iPhone's version 2.0"
• The camera application also lets users view the camera roll, also lets viewers see the iPhone's pictures the pictures that have been taken with the iPhone.

camera needs to be in lower case.

The phrase "the iPhone's pictures" can be misconstrued as the images on the device, when the Camera application can only view images that have been taken with the internal camera. The capitalized Camera refers to the software application, as distinct from the the hardware camera. It doesn't make sense to talk about safari, rather than Safari, does it? What would you say for Photos? "the photograph viewing application"?--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 03:57, 10 January 2009 (UTC)

• Those pictures are also available in the Photos app, along with any transferred from iPhoto or Aperture on a Mac or Photoshop in Windows.

app = "application"

Apple uses that abbreviation, but I'll use the full version of the word (except in the context of the App Store). That does leave us (us? try "me") a little short on variety of phrasing. I don't really like calling them programs. Otherwise, done.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 03:57, 10 January 2009 (UTC)

Rest of sections

The rest of the sections need thorough copyediting, because some sentences and grammar don't make any sense. miranda 09:12, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

History

• The genesis of the iPhone began with Apple CEO Steve Jobs' direction that Apple engineers
• Apple created the device during a secretive and unprecedented collaboration with AT&T Mobility—Cingular Wireless at the time of the phone's inception—at an estimated cost' development cost of US$150 million. by one estimate.
• The company rejected an early "design by committee" built with Motorola in favor of engineering a custom operating system and interface and building custom hardware.

Which company?

"and, and, and"? - "as well as," maybe?

• Apple closed its stores at 2:00 pm local time to prepare for the 6:00 pm iPhone launch, while hundreds of customers lined up at stores nationwide.[11]

Was "the local time" in California or New York, or in my hometown?

I think it's clear that "local time" means wherever the store was. New York got the iPhone before California. It also think that the "its" is necessary.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 04:25, 11 January 2009 (UTC)

• The original iPhone was subsequently made available in five other countries: Republic of Ireland, the UK, France, Germany, and Austria.

How soon afterwards?

• 'The first iPhone 3G in the world was sold in Auckland, New Zealand to Jonny Gladwell, a 22-year-old student, at one minute past midnight NZST.[14]

trivial

• In the United States, many units initially failed to activate because Apple's iTunes servers were overloaded.[16] Apple sold 1 million iPhone 3Gs in its first 3 days on sale.[17]

Not a good transition. Second sentence does not make any sense. miranda 04:08, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

• On October 21, 2008, Apple announced sales of 6.89 million iPhones in the fourth quarter of 2008, fourth quarter reports. totaling 13 million iPhones to date.[18]

both iPhones or iPhone 3Gs?

totaling 13 to date - recentism.

It's still useful.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 04:25, 11 January 2009 (UTC)

• They also noted that this quarter's iPhone sales surpassed RIM's BlackBerry sales of 5.2 million units and becoming the third largest mobile phone manufacturer in terms of revenue after Nokia and Samsung.[19] Within

They - who?

This sentence is just, confusing.

• Within Apple's fiscal fourth quarter, which is up to September 30, 2008, the iPhone represented the 39 percent (4.6 billion) of the company's total quarterly revenues, a statistic weakened by the deferral of this income.[20]

Wordy.

This needs to be updated. Probably, in the next weeks, Apple will be releasing fourth quarter sales — because of Christmas. miranda 04:08, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

Q1 fiscal quarter reports are due out on Jan 21. [2] Otherwise, done. [3]--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 04:25, 11 January 2009 (UTC)

Other

• Have there been recalls or any type of malfunctions with this product? miranda 02:33, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

Citations

• 18-20, 24, 56, 127-131, 123, 117-8, 95, 89-90 need to be properly formatted.
• 102's citation is dead.
  • 102 is fixed (actually, all the numbers are screwed up now; this version matches the numbers above). I'm working on the rest. refToolbar is wonderful.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 21:37, 10 January 2009 (UTC)

Images

• If captions aren't in a complete sentence, a period does not need to be present.
• The Title image doesn't need CC Attrib. 3.0 b/c copyright supersedes a free license as seen with File:IPhone EDGE and 3G.png and File:IPhone keyboard unblured.jpg; Could put, "picture was taken by X to illustrate the iPhone's Y"
  • The interface is copyright no matter what, so fair use claims have been made. The remaining pixels are released under the CC license. (Images from Apple are copyright in their entirety, and so unacceptable. That, and they're probably renderings, not photographs.)--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 14:18, 11 January 2009 (UTC)
• You need a Wikipedia logo rationale for File:Wikipedia-English Main Page on iPhone landscape.jpg
  • It would be easier to scale out the sidebar and take another screen shot. I'll do that once the fundraiser is over.HereToHelp^{(talk to me)} 22:48, 27 December 2008 (UTC)

• Done.--HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 17:21, 11 January 2009 (UTC)

• File:IPhonehomescreen.PNG has unnecessary code on the bottom of the page
  • Removed. HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 22:48, 27 December 2008 (UTC)

miranda 04:44, 27 December 2008 (UTC)

Response

Hi, thanks for all of your insightful comments. I'm busy in real life, but I promise I'll address everything here (either implement or argue why it shouldn't be). Just give me a week or two - but I am committed to making iPhone a GA. Thanks, --HereToHelp ^{(talk to me)} 22:16, 31 December 2008 (UTC)

That's fine. I will probably get this done tomorrow. But, I will give you eight days to clean this article up to GA standard. There is much work to be done. miranda 04:10, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

On hold for 7 days. You guys have a long way to go. miranda 09:13, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

I meticulously edited this page and made observations during this GA review. I understand that the holidays slowed the GA review, and that's okay. However, when I re-read the article's content, not enough improvement was made to merit GA status, as seen with non-addressing of issues. Thus, iPhone is not promoted to GA status. miranda 09:52, 16 January 2009 (UTC)