Talk:Harajuku Girls (song)/GA1
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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 04:28, 10 August 2016 (UTC)
Grabbing this for review, if that is okay. I will have my review up in a couple of days. Aoba47 (talk) 04:28, 10 August 2016 (UTC)
- Change city district to simply district. By saying that it is a district in Shibuya, the city part is already stated and does not need to be repeated.
Done
- While reading through the “Critical reception”, I found it odd that you coupled the “homoeroticism” and “racism” allegations together in the lead as part of why the song was panned. While the “racism” allegations are clearly critiques of the song, I do not believe the claims of “homoerotic” lyrics or connotations were necessarily negative criticisms about the songs. They seem more like observations to me. I would suggest revising the sentence in the lead to better reflect that. (I have not read the reviews in question so this may not be the case).
- Done
- I was confused by the following sentence (Eliana Dockterman of Time found the song full of "some extremely racist stereotypes", and concluding with: "The lyrics [...] aren't much better."). What aspects of the song did Dockterman find full of stereotypes other than the lyrics? Was it something with the instrumental? Stefani’s vocal delivery?
- You need a beginning quotation mark for Browne’s critique of Stefani promoting her fashion line in the song.
- Done
- You should add to the lead that there is some positive reception to the song to not unfairly focus on just the negative reviews. It is somewhat of a surprise to find positive reviews later in the article as they are not mentioned at all in the lead, and that should not be the case. Keep the part about the song being widely panned as that was the case, but include there were some exceptions in the critical response.
- Done
- Revise the ALT. It should say what is occurring in the image, and I have never heard Stefani referred to as a “rapper”. I would recommend “singer” instead.
- Done
- In the first paragraph of the “Live performances” section, place Reference 16 before Reference 17. Also you have two periods at the end of that sentence so remove one.
- Revise the sentence about Docterman’s criticism as it seems somewhat disjointed to jump from the performance to the reports of the girls' contracts. You could possibly break this into two sentence or just improve the flow/connections between the two ideas in one sentence, but it just reads awkwardly to me right now.
- Done
- I would change “referring to Stefani’s major influence” to “while referring to Stefani’s major influence”
- Done
- Change “At the 2016 This is What the Truth Feels Like Tour” to “During the…”. I would suggest flipping the sentence to read: (Stefani performed “Harajuku Girls” during the 2016…) as it reads better that way to me, but that part is entirely up to you.
- Done
- Why is there an asterisk in front of Bobby Ross Avila’s name in the Personnel subsection?
- Done
@Carbrera: This is a very interesting and informative read on a rather interesting part of Stefani’s career. I never knew exactly how to feel about her use of the “Harajuku Girls” as I can understand the racist allegations, but she did help four dancers achieve international recognition and I agree with Stefani’s response so it is difficult for me to say. Once you address my comments above, I will give the article another run-through and pass it. Great work. Aoba47 (talk) 05:21, 10 August 2016 (UTC)