Talk:Dustbin Baby (film)/GA1

GA Review

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YInitial assessment:

1. Prose: The prose is okay, but it needs some copyedit suggestions.

   Dealt with your suggestions.

2. Is using the infobox that's in the article standard fare for tv films? It seems odd to list it as having one episode.
3. References: The plot section is entirely unreferenced. I'll doublecheck the content of the refs later to check for accuracy and plagiarism.

   It's very difficult to find references for the plot, especially the ending, as newspapers don't want spoilers. The reference is to the actual episode, I suppose- the proposed guideline on when to cite specifically excludes plot sections. J Milburn (talk) 22:19, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

4. Coverage, neutrality and stability are all fine.
5. Image complies with image use policy.
6. There's a category: Films about suicide on the article with no indication suicide is part of the plot. Either the plot needs to be extended to mention it or the category should be removed.

   "She then visits the grave of Janet, a woman who April knew as "mummy" who committed suicide after her abusive husband left her." It was actually a rather brutal scene for a family film. I admit, it wasn't a massive section, but it was one of the themes explored. You've also just reminded me that the theme of youth crime- mentioned in the article- is not in the plot. I'll add it now. J Milburn (talk) 22:19, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

Copyedit suggestions:

• Based on Jaqueline Wilson's novel Dustbin Baby, the film's screenplay was written by Helen Blakeman, who had previously worked on Pleasureland.

Uncommon sentence construction. Suggestion: The film's screenplay was based on Jaqueline Wilson's novel Dustbin Baby and was written by Helen Blakeman, who had previously worked on Pleasureland.

YDone. J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

• ...and was produced by Kindle Entertainment, a production company specialising in children's television.

Suggestion: specialised (-ing implies they're still in the process of specialising)

YDone. J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

• Blakeman said that when she had read a copy of the novel, she "knew it was something I had to write".

The subjects don't match. Either it was something she knew she had to write (no quotes) or the entire thing needs to be quoted.

That's how the source does it. I don't really see what's wrong with it? J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

The combination of she and I is grammatically incorrect. Either a full quote or no quote should be used. I've included my preferred version. - Mgm|^(talk) 08:49, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

I've changed it again, to use square brackets. I forget the name of that. J Milburn (talk) 17:44, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

• The film's executive producers were Kindle co-founder Anne Brogan and Melanie Stokes for Kindle.

The phrase "Kindle co-founder" doesn't help identify Brogan in the context of this article and to me it even suggested someone might have made a typo and that Stokes was a co-founder too. Her status as a founder is not relevant to the film.

YRemoved. J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

• She said she "can really relate to the characters" in Wilson's novels, but found that April "is a really different person to me".

Again subjects not matching in and outside of the quotes.

YRephrased. Better? J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

• ...Skive...

Probably better to use a different phrase that's more commonly used worldwide.

"play truant" better? I dunno if that is a phrase used outside of England... J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

YNot sure, but at least it's not slang. - Mgm|^(talk) 08:49, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

• April then visits the now abandoned children's home where she had lived as a child.

Needs rewording. Since April is still 14 she's still a child, which this sentence contradicts. Suggestion: ... where she used to live when she was younger (perhaps mention specific ages if known)

Rephrased. I don't think the age is actually mentioned, but I only watched it once... J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

YIt is, it's her 14th birtday after all... - Mgm|^(talk) 08:49, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

I meant the age when she was living at the home :) J Milburn (talk) 17:45, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

• There, she had been cared for by a woman named Mo, as well as befriending an older girl called Gina, and being bullied by a girl named Pearl.

Grammatically incorrect sentence. Better rewrite entirely.

YTried to rephrase. Better? J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

• At the boarding school, April befriended Poppy, and, after an attempt to run away, was banned from extra-curricular activities.

The final clause of the sentence is missing a subject. I don't think these should be put together in one sentence either since the sentence doesn't explain how or if Poppy is involved in getting her banned. Split the sentences and explain how Poppy is important to the story.

Poppy is not frightfully important to the story- she's just another explored theme. I think she's meant to be autistic. I thought she was worth listing in the cast, but I didn't want to list anyone who I hadn't mentioned in the plot. The only significance is that Poppie's purse can be seen in April's box of memories that Marion looks through. Tried to rephrase- is that better? J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

YAt least now the reader knows how she's relevant to the plot. People tend to built closer relationships with roommates than random people. - Mgm|^(talk) 08:49, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

• Ringing it, she is disappointed to hear a male voice, believing it to be her mother. Instead, Frankie, the pizza boy who found her as a baby, meets April in the restaurant.

Ungrammatical. Don't start a sentence with -ing verbs if possible. Why does she believe the male voice is her mother? Don't you mean she expected it to be her mother? Why that? Does she get any clues the phone number might be her mother's? The current phrase doesn't show Frankie is the one who picked up the phone though the narrative suggest it.

YI see what you mean. Rephrased. J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

• The phrase "writing for the..." is repeatedly used. Any chance of variation?

Rephrased two. Better? J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

I've done another rephrasing. - Mgm|^(talk) 08:49, 29 January 2009 (UTC)

• This view was a reflection of Brogan's view.

By this time the reader is unlikely to remember who Brogan is and why her opinion counts.

YFixed. J Milburn (talk) 22:15, 28 January 2009 (UTC)

-- Mgm|^(talk) 23:48, 27 January 2009 (UTC)