Talk:B. Jayaram/GA1
GA Review edit
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: Premeditated Chaos (talk · contribs) 19:42, 17 August 2022 (UTC)
Dibs, I usually get around to doing reviews within a week or so; ping me if it takes longer. ♠PMC♠ (talk) 19:42, 17 August 2022 (UTC)
Sorry! Here we go. Reviewer schpiel so you know what you're getting into: I review like a FAC reviewer going through the article top to bottom. I focus on prose, especially conciseness and context. I am generally open to discussing suggestions if you disagree with them for any reason.
- Lead
- Per MOS:LEAD, this is too short. It needs to summarize the whole article. (See for example the leads at Andy Ganteaume and Malcolm Jardine, both of comparable length to this article)
- Caption for infobox image?
- Early life
- First sentence feels a bit jammed up in itself explaining the geographical situation. Can I suggest "Jayaram was born on 23 April 1872 in Bangalore, in the Kingdom of Mysore, a former princely state in the southern region of modern-day India." or something along that vein? It moves the explanation to the end, which flows a little better.
- Do we know when he went to college? (If not in any sources, just say so and it's no problem - and same applies to any other fact questions I may ask)
Okay, I'm going to stop here, because I went to look at the source to check on the college thing and noticed that this article appears to be a really close paraphrase of the Cricket Country source. Many paragraphs have the same structure and order of facts but use slightly different words - the Early life section in this article precisely mirrors the Early Days section from the source, for example. In another example, the article uses the phrase "was a regular at the club's nets", which was almost word-for-word from that same source - "was a regular at London County nets". There's more, but those are some examples of what I'm talking about.
The article needs to be rewritten to remove this close paraphrasing. In its current state, it shouldn't be a GA, and I'm going to have to quickfail. You can always renominate once that has been addressed. ♠PMC♠ (talk) 22:04, 29 August 2022 (UTC)