Wikipedia:Peer review/Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan/archive1

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan edit

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to get input before taking it to FAC in the future. This is only the second film article I've extensively worked on, so if someone sees something missing, tell me. I know the 'cast' section hasn't been completed, but if people could look over my prose that would be great too.

Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 15:16, 26 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Really like the article. I'd just suggest reducing the use of the words "positive" and "negative"; a thesaurus should yield a variety of synonyms appropriate for one place or another. LL&P Fg2 (talk) 12:56, 29 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I found these phrases odd: "which moved Spock's death further in the story"; "Reliant's engine nacelle's destruction"; "Complaints about the film focus on what was seen as the tepid battle sequences"; "focused on what critics felt was aged acting by the stars". DrKiernan (talk) 09:53, 30 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]

What exactly do you find odd about them? Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 12:16, 30 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Prose-wise. "The destruction of the Reliant's engine nacelle" is easier to read than the double possessive. Similarly: "which moved Spock's death earlier in the story"; "Complaints about the film focus on battle sequences that were seen as tepid, and the age of the performers." DrKiernan (talk) 12:53, 30 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for clarifying. I made modifications to the above phrases. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 15:17, 1 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: I found this to be generally quite well done, although I agree there are some places where the language could be smoothed a bit, as well as some places in Cast that need to expanded (Uhura). Here are some suggestions for improvement. If you want more comments, please ask here.

Some references seem to be overused - for example in the William Shatner as James T. Kirk section, ref [3] is used three times in one paragraph without any direct quotes or intervening other refs. I think as long as everything in the paragraph can be attributed to the same source, one ref at the very end of the paragraph is fine.
Revealing my geekiness here - I recall seeing this film and thought it odd that Saavik (a female) is referred to as "Mr. Saavik", but later learned this is the proper address for a naval lieutenant - could this fit into the naval themes? I also thought it odd that Amazing Grace was played on the bagpipes for Spock's funeral - any commentary on this?
Problem sentence? should Besch and Shatner be possessive forms? Meyer stated that what he physically liked about Butrick was that his hair was blond like Besch['s ?] ([who played] the character's mother) but also curly like Shatner['s ?], making ...
Unclear whether the worldwide total includes the US total in Star Trek II grossed $78,912,963 in the U.S. and $97,000,000 worldwide.
Date linking is now generally deprecated but the dates in refs are all linked

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 01:07, 2 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the comments. I was wondering about the 'Mr.' nomenclature too when watching, but there's no discussion about such specific themes in the special features or refs I've seen (ditto on the bagpipes, unfortunately, but I'll double check.) --Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 19:44, 2 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

The article discusses Spock's death a lot and I think it should go in the lead, considering it is the start of the story arc ending in The Voyage Home? I know we maintain a fine line between courtesy and common sense on the readers' part, but what's the use of not mentioning such a famous cliffhanger? Alientraveller (talk) 15:21, 3 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I'm not leaving it out as a spoiler; I just didn't think it was that big a deal. It's not really a cliffhanger, per say. If you think it's important I will try and add it in. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 15:41, 3 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

OK, now that's sorted, I recommend:

Adding a few pictures, especially since I haven't seen the film in a while and therefore do not understand: "A scene taking place at Starfleet Academy, for example, used scenery in the foreground to give the sense of a larger set than was created. Instead of having operational elevators, walls were wheeled out of position while the lift doors were closed to give the illusion of moving between decks." Are we talking about forced perspective, or could you just show us this bit?
The themes like aging (a little bit is in the cast section) and vengeance? I looked at the Memory Alpha page and there's great quotes which I hope are on the DVD.
Who created the Kobiyashi-maru test?

Alientraveller (talk) 18:24, 3 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I could add a 'Themes' section using Meyer's commentary (I know some of the quotes were definitely on the DVD, others I'm not sure.) I'm 90% certain the Kobiyashi Maru test's creator is not noted, but I'll double check the text and audio commentary. Forced perspective is what we're talking about, so I'll link to that. I'll try to make the lift think clearer, because an image wouldn't really illustrate it that well either. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 18:30, 3 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Started the section. I think more or less it has what we need, although I found a possible good source for the life/death part that I have to get off Interlibrary Loan. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 22:15, 3 October 2008 (UTC)[reply]